Friday, October 27, 2006

Here I go again on my own [Whitesnake]

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Our Photo of the Week was an amateur who beat out 2 VERY BEAUTIFUL professional pics, one of a child on the beach in her mum's hoddie, the other of an exquisite Salt Lake Valley town in the shadow of a snowy summit. Yes folks, it was a hard race, but our winner is worth every single excruiciating moment of indecision I had to go through to find her.

And now, an unveiling:

"Life is Beautiful!" by Chuchogm [flickr]

If to her share some female errors fall, Look on her face, and you'll forget them all.

She's gorgeous, isn't she?

With a smile like that, she would never be affected by THIS: (excuse the link. stupid windows...)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20010701-000023&print=1

Wow. Seriously... wow. How true. And not just for men. I find myself doing it everyday.

Speaking of which: I know I tend to exaggerate things (please God, don't let Bryan read this entry) and a prime example was when I became infatuated with (a total of) 5 guys this week. But, world, I FOUND HIM. The one for me. The man of my dreams. And get this: he is so not my style AT ALL. He is deeply into Heavy Metal, extremely shy, very gentlemanly and polite, and -gasp- in ACCOUNTING. And he's ASIAN. WTF?! Since when have I ever been interested in asian men?!

But he's a god. He's 23. He's beautiful. And he sits just 7 cubicles away from me.

Woe to those who know Thai at E!,
or any girl who can quote Metallica better than Me!

What a whirly, windy week. And cold! The valley slumbers, and I shiver... and OH NO! E! News Weekend is not processing correctly! I must vamoose!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Bulb Replaced. Start from the top...

Hemingway once wrote a story in just six words ("For sale: baby shoes, never worn.") and is said to have called it his best work. Wired.com heard and had other people try, writers and artists from all over the globe, and compiled a list.

Take a look.

The title for this blog is my first. It's a riddle, too... do you know what it means?

"Maybe I finally found it, way down here in the mud. Maybe from down here I can start up again, be something I can be proud of, without having to fake it, be a fake human being." -Platoon

Monday, October 23, 2006

The meaning of (my) life

I've thought it over since my last post. I was really stressed, so I started cleaning my room (has it come to that?!) when I found my peace corp book:



I finished reading it a couple weeks ago... it's pretty good. Kris Holloway (the peace corp volunteer who wrote it) is not a professed writer but she does a good job in telling her story. It's about how Monique (pictured), the only midwife in a small village in the African country of Mali, saved and changed the lives of hundreds of Malian women.

And while I looked at the book in my obsessive drudgery, the lights turned on.

I know why I am alive! I was put on this earth to make a difference.

Now, this might sound a bit crazy (or- OMG!- corny) but let me explain... All my life I have been pulled by this hunger to reach out and touch people. I have written stories since the day I was born, and when I started growing some intellect I also put as much effort in trying to help those in need of it. I was on the newspaper at the same time that I was a physical trainer. I wrote novels with Brandi and drove with Chau to give dinners to the homeless. While in film school I was the vice president of the SGA, and wrote on an underground student paper created for the sole purpose of taking down the corrupt administration. In stages, I have wanted to join the army, the red cross, and now the peace corps. I struggle with myself to figure out which I want most- to help the world or to write about it.

BUT THATS WHEN IT ALL BECAME CLEAR! Filmmakers and writers make a difference too! Boo to you who think that filmmaking is all about the pretty lights and explosions, or that books are for teachers or mothers with nothing to do. A prime example of how the art of storytelling can change lives is through studying Oliver Stone, who in his need to tell of his experience in Vietnam has affected the lives of the millions of people who viewed his tale. Veterans who were alienated from their friends and family could finally feel that someone understood, and also used the chance to try and get their loved ones to see how it was when no other form of communicating about it worked. And young ones like me, who have ever experienced anything and would never have a clue about the effects of war on the people involved, can learn as well, and grow from it.

!!!!

I'm happy again. Not completely- this doesn't clear up my issue of what I need to do with the next few years of my life- but at least now I have a map to hold on to when I question the way. I know what my ultimate purpose is. Whether I'm meant to find it through obscurity or through fame I don't know, I admit I hope for the latter, but at least the fog has cleared, and I can see the road.

first i find out that i'm addicted, then i realize that my life is sh*t

I just saw Platoon.



God... have you guys seen that movie?! I know I'm a little late in the game, but still! Jesus!

How can you watch something like that and then go about your life normally without feeling completely irrelevant and useless?!

ARGH!

First off, let me explain my heading for today. Earlier in the evening I found out that I was an addict. Chris, Sophia, and I had just come from the El Capitan theatre (they screened Nigthmare Before Christmas in 3-D and WE HAD to go see it), and Sophia suggested we stop by Hot Topic so she could invest in some "Halloween costume comparison shopping". We went, and waited, and while we were there I bought some fake Sugar Shoes.

Anyone in LA will tell you that for the last 4 months I have been desperately wanting a pair of Sugar Shoes. Specifically? The Smokin Cat or Hook Up Cat brands... any and all colors, if possible. So you can imagine my euphoria when I finally got the chance to own a fake(cheap) pair of my own, a snazzy set with black and white stripes and a blue star on the corner.



I loved them. I loved everything about them- the idea of them, the fact that I owned them, and the mere presence of them in my closet. So much so, that I started to become hungry for the chance to accessorize them with matching clothes.

And that's when it happened. I went shopping.
And spent $100 on CLOTHES.

I don't know how. I don't remember a thing. All I can recall is my walking into the store, and then I have blank spots in my memory until I found myself back home, tired, hungry, and somewhat lighter in my (new)purse.

Astounded I was- yes, my friends, this tomboy had suddenly relinquished her dark side on the world- and even more was my shock when I realized that I was still ansy for more. I HAD to shop again, and tonight. I was addicted, and the one and only thing that could stop me from self destruction was immediately the first comfort I ran towards:

I watched a movie.

My heart and soul. My warmth on a cold morning. The thing that drives me, that brings the life into my flesh. My movies.

If there was ever a picture of pure happiness in the encyclopedia that is Summer, you would see a combination of 5 things. Family, Friends, Cats, Books, and Movies. And in those moments in life when I find myself at my worst, I throw my all into one of those in a last ditch effort to save myself.

And so I saw Platoon. I saw the realism of hate, war, fear & pain. I saw what countless people have gone through since the beginning of time, and what they are undoubtedly going through right now as we speak. Most importantly: I saw my own ignorance towards it all and the contemptuous bubble I live in.

And I realized that my life is sh*t.

And now I don't know what to do.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Feed the birds

Photo of the Week: "Annie" by vgmayes [Flickr]



"All around the cathedral the saints and apostles
Look down as she sells her wares
Although you can't see it,
You know they are smiling
Each time someone shows that he cares"
- Mary Poppins

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Everyone on the internet is a big, fat liar



It's true.

Since the day I decided to join the Peace Corps I have been scared shitless. Undecided. Aggitated. Unsure. I have had fear so strong that my whole day is spent listlessly on my bed while my mind does sprints around me deciding which direction to lead my life.

I have also had my good days, GREAT days, where my mind is clear and my heart is happy and the angels sing in the sky. These days are stronger and more frequent than the aforementioned ones- and they steer me along and I am glad for it- but I don't ever want anyone to think I am blind to my fear.

I have fear. It lives with me. I wake with it, eat with it, and slowly become more comfortable with it. It does not go away, but I do not ignore it. Therefore (and most importantly):

IT DOES NOT GET STRONGER.

I have been steadily collecting bookmarks and links online of favorite blogs from Peace Corps volunteers (present and past), as well as a bigger library of books and videos I rent and read, and articles I study, to add to my knowledge of the PC experience. So far it's been great homework- the community soup we call the 'internet' is endless and my growing hunger never wants- and happily there has been a great unbalance between the people who loved the Peace Corps and the people who hated it (heavy on the first option). But one thing irks me.

No one mentions their fears.

Come on guys- we're all human here! So we like to embellish a little... it's the internet, after all, and we can if we want. But don't tell me NO ONE was a little afraid, a little hesitant... was NO ONE unsure of signing their life away for TWO WHOLE YEARS? Did NO ONE have something else they could be doing, someone else they could be spending that time with?

Is no one else afraid?

*sigh*

I have been searching the ends of cyberspace looking for someone who admits to their fear, and who eventually conquers it. Endlessly, and vainly. Well, NO MORE. THIS STOPS RIGHT HERE.

I stand before you, naked. Hello World, I am Summer, and I am afraid. And I am proud of it. So don't worry, my fellow PC padawans... if you happened upon my blog looking for someone who feels a little like you, look no more. You're in the right place, and you're not alone.

We will get through this together.

Monday, October 16, 2006

I've changed my mind

I no longer want to join the Peace Corps.

I want to pack my bags, rent an unconventional house made of glass sitting atop a lake on stilts and fall in love with a man who I send letters to who is living his life 2 years before my time.

Oh, and I want to be perky and sweet and cutely distraught about the whole situation, Sandra Bullock-esque.

Keanu Reeves must be sent by Pan. I know this because he was put on this earth to make me fall in love with him over and over and over again, only to be taken away after 2 hours time. Pan seems to have the reputation of teasing people with their dreams, and within Keanu Reeves he has found the perfect tool to tease mine.

Not that Keanu Reeves is a dream of mine, but he tends to find characters (Jack Travern in 'Speed', and now Alex Wyler in 'The Lake House') that are SO PERFECT AND DREAMY AND CONSIDERATE AND ROMANTIC AND WHO PINE FOR THEIR IMPOSSIBLE LOVE/GOAL WITH A LOOK OF PURE INNOCENCE AND FRAILTY THAT (despite the acting) I TEND TO FALL COMPLETELY IN LOVE THEM WITH EACH TIME.

So there. Forget the Peace Corps. Forget filmmaking, writing, and whatever else I want to do. I will go, get a perky haircut, a cute disposition, and find some lake house/speeding bus to live my life in, until my own Mr. Reeves decides he wants to join the story, and shows up.




Oh, and while we're on the subject of Korean films ("Il Mare" anyone?) let me just say one thing:

Chan-wook Park is one of the greatest storytellers of our generation, and he has yet to dissappoint. I saw 'Lady Vengeance' yesterday (I KNOW! How can I own 'Oldboy' and not see the first and third movies of the trilogy?!) and I didn't think it possible but I like it more than I like 'Oldboy'. I must rectify my ignorance at once and finally see 'Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance'. Backward, maybe, but there is no connection between the 3 so at least I'm saved from any confusion storywise. I plan to buy the other two as soon as my budget deems it possible. I admit, I'm moronic for not buying the 3 together originally. I know! But I am only human! STOP JUDGING ME!

I've had my say. Now leave me alone so I can pack... I have a lake house to prepare for.

Friday, October 13, 2006

A Part of Pakistan You Don't Get to See...




Photo "Fairyland Indeed" from Flickr, taken by Heartkins.

On Friday nights during the wee hours of work I do my "Photo Fridays." I start with Msnbc.com's "Week in Pictures," then head over to Flickr to see the "Last 7 Days" photos that show the best of the week. I have been doing this since I was a freshmen in college... something like a hobby, you can say. This photo is not my favorite today... not at all, by far- but I got the shock of my life when I opened it (expecting to hear it was taken in Switzerland) and saw that it was taken in Pakistan.

The world is beautiful. It is we that make it ugly.

So here starts my "Photo of the Week." I love pictures so much, why not show you my favorites? This one is my first ever, and all though it is not the best, it stands alone here today because it means something more than a 'pretty picture.' It is about finding beauty where you would never expect it, and to recognize the power that you have to discover it wherever you go.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Happiness Double Time

Item #1: Vegan Cupcakes from Mani's Bakery on Fairfax



Item #2: Dude kicking @$$ in Krav Maga



OMG. Put the 2 together and you'll realize how AMAZING my week has been so far.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Asian Americans in the Peace Corps

By Bert Eljera

Noel Lee still remembers the bewildered look on her father�s face when she announced she was joining the Peace Corps and going to Mongolia.

"He could not understand it," said Lee, recalling her family�s shocked reaction. "Here I was making good money working for Chase Manhattan Bank in New York, and I was kind of throwing it away by going to Mongolia."

Her father, an immigrant from China who worked hard to send her to college, wondered why she would leave a good-paying job, go to a foreign country, and work for free, Lee said.

That was back in 1992. Lee, 25 at the time, figured there was more to life than making money. "I wanted to make a difference," she said. "I wanted to help people."

So, despite her father�s misgivings, Lee spent two years in Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia, and worked on a United Nations loan program to help Mongolian women set up their own business.

Eventually, Lee�s family, including her father, came around. Now, she described those two years in Mongolia as the best in her life. "I�ve learned that I can do anything. If I can do it in Mongolia, I can do it anywhere."

Lee is not alone. An increasing number of young Asian Pacific Americans are joining the Peace Corps, the agency established in 1961 by then-President John F. Kennedy to "fight hunger, disease, illiteracy, poverty, and lack of opportunities around the world."

Of the more than 140,000 volunteers who have served on the program for the past 35 years, 900 were Asian Pacific Americans-more than blacks, Latinos, or Native Americans.

This year, the Peace Corps has 6,500 volunteers in 90 countries around the globe. Four percent, or 268, are Asian Pacific Americans.

But, despite the impressive numbers, there�s much debate in Asian American households, pitting young APAs eager to serve and make a difference against pragmatic parents who insist that the family comes first.

Children argue that going abroad is an adventure; parents insist it�s dangerous and the benefits are not worth the risk.

Moreover, in most Asian cultures, volunteerism is not traditional, although most communities encourage mutual help and cooperation as evidenced by the benevolent societies among the Chinese and the bayanihan spirit among Filipinos.

At the Organization of Chinese Americans national convention in San Francisco last month, the Peace Corps booth drew large crowds if only a few on-the-spot volunteers.

"I�d love to do it," said Stephen Ng, 21, a student at City College in San Francisco. "But I can�t afford it. I don�t have the time. I�m better off working and supporting myself and my family."

Emily Nye of San Jose, who also visited the Peace Corps booth, said she considered volunteering when she graduated from college 10 years ago, but her parents did not allow her.

"Maybe my children will get the chance," said Nye, a mother of two girls.

If Asian Americans tend to shy away from volunteer work, "it has nothing to do with culture," said Robert Fung, a professor of Asian American studies at San Francisco State University. It�s all about pragmatism and survival, he said.

Fung said the Peace Corps is a mixed bag for Asian Americans. While altruism is admirable, "there are enough problems at home that we have to take care of. Everyone is looking at Asian Americans as the model minority, but it�s not an accurate picture."

Stanley D. Suyat, an associate director and the highest-ranking Asian Pacific American in the Peace Corps, agrees that the Peace Corps is not for everybody. "It takes a certain type of personality and circumstance-those not ready for a career yet and want to see the world."

Suyat, 52, who was born to parents of Filipino heritage and grew up in Hawaii, served as a volunteer in the Philippines in the 1960s and said the Peace Corps offers a life of adventure, which is appealing to young people.

But he acknowledged that in most Asian Pacific American families, children are expected to find jobs and contribute to the family after finishing school. While there are obvious benefits, volunteering involves sacrifices, he said.

Liz Lee, a Korean American who volunteered to serve in Namibia in southwest Africa in 1991, said her parents were very much against her joining the Peace Corps.

"It�s not something that a lot of Asians do," Liz Lee said. "My parents thought it was very strange that I would want to go to Africa. They said I was better off going back to school."

Louie Abanilla, who came to the United States from the Philippines when he was a boy, joined the Peace Corps and volunteered to go to Poland in 1990-against his parents� wishes.

His parents virtually disowned him, but when he was invited to the White House by then-President George Bush for the send-off, his parents had a change of heart.

"His father came to the U.S. with $200 in his pocket," said Suyat, a friend of the Abanilla family. "And there they were in the White House, at the invitation of the president. It was overwhelming."

Abanilla now works as a recruiter for the Peace Corps in the East Coast, Suyat said.

The average Asian Pacific American volunteer is 27 years old and either fresh from college or has worked for about a couple of years. The majority of APA corps volunteers-59 percent-are female.

Most volunteer out of idealism and a desire to make a difference. Others volunteer because the two years spent with the Peace Corps enhance the prospects for a good career, either in international trade or in nonprofit organizations.

"I gained a wonderful experience," said J. D. Hokoyama, president of the Los Angeles-based Leadership Education For Asian Pacifics Inc., who went to Ethiopia in 1967. "Going and living outside of the country forced me to adopt a much broader view of the world."

Hokoyama said the experience opened his eyes to the need for nonprofit groups, which he has been involved with for more than two decades.

Kelvin Mow, who now manages an importing business in Mill Valley, Calif., said the years he spent in Kenya from 1993 to 1995 offered him a chance to learn a new culture and society.

He lived with a Kenyan family for nearly three months, taught at a computer school, advised women and self-help groups on starting their own business, and conducted business seminars in Kitala, Kenya.

He also set up soccer leagues, coached at a local high school, created videos for the Peace Corps, and solicited funds for various projects in Kenya. "It was a fabulous experience," said Mow, who was 24 when he volunteered. "It was hard being away from my family, but it�s amazing the knowledge you learn about yourself under difficult situations."

Mow, born in New York to a Chinese American father and a mother who is part Chinese, said his parents supported his decision to go to Africa.

"It would only improve my career," said Mow, who was two years out of graduate school when he volunteered. "I wasn�t dependent on them. We�re financially independent of each other."

Henry Der, deputy superintendent for external affairs of the California Department of Education, volunteered to serve in Kenya for the Peace Corps from 1968 to 1970.

"It was a precursor to a lot of social activism, there�s no doubt about it," said Der, who served for more than 20 years as executive director of Chinese For Affirmative Action until his appointment to the education post this year. "If I can go halfway around the world to help people, I surely can help people in my own community."

Suyat, the Peace Corps associate director, said volunteers come back with more experience and with more marketable skills.

"Knowledge of another culture and language are attractive to business," said Suyat, who points to himself as an example of how a stint with the Peace Corps can advance one�s career.

After teaching English in the Philippines, Suyat came back to the United States in 1968, and immediately landed a job with the United Parcel Service in New York.

The line on his resume-Peace Corps volunteer-was the clincher, he said. "UPS felt that I could offer a different perspective to the company, a slightly different way of making a contribution."

Suyat, who was in San Francisco for the OCA convention, spent five years with UPS, then became a partner of a law firm, and later White House liaison to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for the Clinton administration. In 1993, he was appointed Peace Corps associate director.

"It�s not a picnic," he said. "It�s a tough job. You don�t live in ideal conditions. The food is often not familiar, you don�t understand the language. But it�s the toughest job you�ll ever love."

There are practical benefits. Volunteers receive the best language and cross-cultural training by living overseas. They receive career counseling assistance once they finish their volunteer work. They get preference in federal government jobs.

Many student loans are deferred, and a percentage of the principal and interest for a Perkins Loan, a federal student loan program, may be canceled for each year of service.

In addition, volunteers receive housing, food, clothing, and a miscellaneous expenses allowance. After three months of training and two years of service, a volunteer receives a $5,400 readjustment allowance.

These practical benefits often help parents to eventually support their children�s decision, Suyat said.

But, sometimes, parents are hard to appease. Liz Lee said her mother was so worried that the two years she spent with the Peace Corps would limit her chances of meeting a good man and getting married.

"My mother said I should think of marriage," said Liz Lee, 25 and an employee at a biotech company in Emeryville when she volunteered in 1991. "She tried to match me up with a man."

Now 29, Liz Lee works as a Peace Corps recruiter in San Francisco. She is still single.

Margaret Choi, an immigrant from Hong Kong, said she was scared when her daughter, Rhonda Choi, decided to volunteer for Nicaragua in 1993.

She relented, eventually, because Rhonda was persistent, she said. "I just told her that I hope you meet a jungle prince," she said with a laugh. "Find a prince, not a bear or crocodile in the jungle."

She did not find a jungle prince, but Rhonda came back a changed woman, more mature and caring, Margaret said.

But she said she was always apprehensive of her daughter�s safety while Rhonda was in Nicaragua, which is a common concern for parents.

Suyat said the Peace Corps is vigilant about the safety of its volunteers and would not put them in harm�s way. But because they go to all corners of the world, safety problems sometimes crop up. He could not provide figures, but some volunteers have died on assignments, most often due to accidents.

In 1990, a Peace Corps volunteer was kidnapped in the Philippines, Suyat said. The volunteer was unharmed, but it forced the cancellation of the program there for two years, he said.

"The safety of our volunteers is foremost," Suyat said. "We go to some extreme measures, such as stopping a program completely, until we ensure that our volunteers are completely safe."

Suyat himself volunteered to serve in the Philippines back in 1966. He worked as an English teacher in the southern Philippines. A third-generation Filipino American, Suyat said he wanted to learn his roots.

"It was a wonderful education about my culture," Suyat said. "There is no better way to learn about your culture than live in the community."

At the end of his two-year stint in the Philippines, Suyat married his first wife, Victoria, who also was a Peace Corps volunteer. They had two children but are now divorced. Suyat is married to Linda Suyat, a Japanese American.

It may seem a contradiction, but Asian Pacific Americans say becoming a Peace Corps volunteer makes them more American and conscious of their ethnic heritage at the same time.

J.D. Hokoyama, a third-generation Japanese American, said he became more aware of his heritage when he volunteered to go to Africa. "People were always surprised when I said I was an American," Hokoyama said. "They figured I was from the Orient. They were surprised that an American would have an Asian face."

Der, who worked in an agricultural project in Kenya, said the Kenyans thought he was black because he did not have the European features of most Americans.

But Der, born in Stockton, Calif., to Chinese immigrant parents, said he was accepted for who he was, and built lifelong friendships with some Kenyans and volunteers from other countries that he met in Africa.

"You learn to respect other cultures and gain better appreciation of your own," Der said.

That was the most rewarding part of her Mongolian experience, said Noel Lee, whose mother is German.

Lee said the Mongolians told her that she looked more Mongolian than American, with her high cheekbones, porcelain skin, and Asian features.

"They thought all Americans have blond hair and blue eyes," said Lee, who was born in New Mexico and raised in Oklahoma. "I became closer to them because I looked like them."

Lee said the Peace Corps is recruiting more minorities to reflect the changing face of the United States. "We want to tell the world there are Asians in this country, too."

Lee, who moved to San Francisco in 1994, now works at a natural foods store and is learning yoga, hoping to someday open her own holistic health business.

A graduate from Baylor University with a degree in marketing, Lee said she now wants to pursue her own dream. "I was raised to make money, but life is too short to not do what you�re really interested in doing. I want to help people with stressful lives."
Peace Corps at a Glance

Since 1961, 900 Asian Pacific Americans have served on the Peace Corps. Last year, the 268 Asian Pacific American volunteers accounted for 4 percent of worldwide volunteers. Nearly a third of all current minority volunteers (31 percent) are APAs.

Among Asian American volunteers and trainees, 59 percent are women and 41 percent men. Worldwide, 55 percent of volunteers are women and 45 percent men.

Asian Pacific American volunteers tend to be younger than other volunteers. The average age for APAs is 27, compared with the overall average age of 31 for volunteers. Only 4 percent of Asian Pacific American volunteers are over 40, compared to 11 percent for the total group. The oldest Asian Pacific American volunteer is 68.

Asian Pacific Americans have served in every Peace Corps region. Forty-two percent, or 381 volunteers, have been in Africa; 24 percent, or 223 volunteers, in the Americas; 17 percent, or 193 volunteers, in Asia and the Pacific; and 17 percent, or 103 volunteers, in Europe, Central Asia, and the Mediterranean.

Asian Pacific Americans currently serve in 70 of the 94 Peace Corps countries. The countries with the highest number of Asian Pacific American volunteers are Thailand (13); Malawi (11); Nepal (10); and Cameroon (10).

In terms of skill sectors, 28 percent of Asian Pacific American volunteers serve in education; 25 percent in health; 15 percent in environment; 14 percent in business; 10 percent in agriculture; and 5 percent in special projects/urban.

Eighty-nine percent of Asian Pacific Americans have previous language training and 16 percent have nine years or more foreign language experience, which may reflect those who are native speakers of Asian languages.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Peace Within

I'm joining the Peace Corps!

It's official. I've broken the news to my parents and friends, and have set a move-out date with my roommates. I'm doing it! I'm finally doing it!

After much (MUCH) deliberation, after many sleepless hours and a countless amount of soul searching, I sat down and FINALLY starting filling out my Peace Corps application.

tingles!

The application process takes a while. It's like a final exam, this thing. I need to find records and official docs about myself that I didn't even know I had. Also, after I turn it in, I need to do a complete medical and dental checkup and give them the results and wait for a "pass" grade. ooftah. All the websites online say that the paperwork is the worst part, though, so I'm ok with the hassle :)

Wait, what? Why? Are you asking me why?

Well, it's a lot of things really. Most importantly: it's time. My job is ending in December and that familiar tug is pulling at my belly. Do you know the line from Beauty and the Beast, when Belle is running up the hill? If I remember correctly:

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can stand."

The first time I heard that line I was a wee girl in the 4th row at the movie theater, and I cried. Not because I felt bad for Belle. Not because the film was astoundingly breathtaking and could bring my emotions to the surface instantly (which it still can); no- because someone had somehow found something I was holding safely inside me and announced to the world that they were feeling the same way.

To this day, when she says that line (and THE WAY she says it), brings me to tears. It's the tug. The tug that happens to me every year, when life is lulling and the days are beautiful and I'm sitting in my familiar setting (wherever it is), bored.

I want adventure!

Lastly: I want to help! Somehow, some way, doing whatever needs to be done. I YEARN to help. I see so much trauma and pain and devastation going on in the world, and I sit in front of my computer/tv and do NOTHING about it. Nothing. But with the Peace Corps I can help! I can go out in the world and try, try whatever, but at least try!

That being said, I can't wait to start. But I must wait. 2007 is not the time to leave and go fulfill any ol' destinies. My sister is having another baby, and Brandi is getting married. Respectively, I will be an aunt and a maid of honor... and I refuse to miss it. And THAT'S how joining the Peace Corps is perfect for my timing right now.

You see, my job is ending in December. For the last 2 years (after graduation) I have been agonizing over the fact that I'm not fitting with the world I have surrounded myself in. I'm too young, too naive, too scared. I haven't exactly wanted to tuck tail and run (never!) but I have felt an urgent need for a break- a calm- to collect myself and figure it all out. You know, prepare myself for the battle.

Well, this is the perfect opportunity. Once my job ends, I can go home. I can spend 2007 with my family, my friends, (myself), and reach the calm I've been needing. And with 2 important things happening in the lives of Hazel and Brandi, it's better to spend the year with them than far away.

So my plan:
- End the year in Los Angeles (spend Christmas with my roomies). Maybe do some touristy things I never got to before because of my work schedule.
- Move back home in January.
- Get a random job (possibly at American Airlines or something so I can travel for free on my year off) & pay off some debts without the added cost of rent and misc. bills for my own place
- Help Hazel with the girls.
- Help Brandi with her wedding.
- Take misc. classes at the community college (namely: photography, writing, and self defense)
- Continue with my workout schedule (I'm doing good! 4-5 months in so far and flying fine)
- Save some money, maybe buy a camera/laptop for the trip
- 2008, start the adventure of a lifetime.

Solid.

If you're curious... I specifically want to go to Mongolia (although anywhere that needs me is fine). I saw a documentary on Mongolia when I was young and I was entranced by the country and it's people. (Plus it has a whopping 0 fatalities). I read somewhere that if you want to go to Mongolia in the Peace Corps, you have to put June as your starting month because that's when the people leave for it. So, I guess right on my 25th birthday I'll be starting my trip. Also: Peace Corps requires 27 months from their volunteers, so when I get back I'll be almost 2 1/2 years older. Better I do it now than when I'm older and have a family or more substantial bills to worry about.

Random:
- Speaking of fatalities... why is it that the Philippines has the highest fatalities due to murder in the Peace Corps? We're nice people! WTF?
- And why don't I choose the Philippines since I'm from there, you ask... well I would if I could, but I'm not allowed to go to a country that houses any living relatives (company policy). Maybe I'll visit on my way home :)

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Sleeping with Nick

I can't sleep anymore.

Last friday morning I brought Chris to the airport. I'm no good at waking up in the morning (what do you expect? I work the night shift!), so my brilliant idea was to come home from work, stay up until it was time to go, then sleep when I got back.

Good idea, except now I can't sleep EVER.

Since that night I havent been able to sleep. YES, I've been sick (and slightly depressed, which- I admit- tends to happen when I feel feverish), but STILL. COME ON. I'll turn off the light, get into bed, then BOOM. All this ENERGY suddenly comes out of nowhere and slaps me in the face. Like, hard.

It's gotten pretty severe. I'll lie in bed from 2am to 4 just twiddling my thumbs. Then, when I maybe might get a little snooze action, the Dutchess herself will help me out of it. Halfway through my tumbling Cleo will jump on the bed (purring like a train, BTW) and position herself in the most deliciously uncomfortable spot on my body at that given moment. Lying on my side? She'll sleep on my face. Lying on my back? She's vibrating under a leg. Cute, yes, but no cigar.

What's worse is that tv wont even help. I had this problem, before, in Miami, when I started hating my job and was feeling restless in life and all... I wouldn't be able to sleep and would stay up at ungodly hours watching uber marathons on Nick @ Night. My poison back then was Wings.

Well, guess what guys? Now it's Roseanne.

I'm starting to love it. Good, because it's a great show and should be loved... but Bad because now I cant turn away.

"But Summer, why dont you just turn the tv off?"

You aren't paying attention. I don't turn the tv on until around 4. Before that I just soak in the silence of my room and think. Bad thing, thinking. It keeps you awake worse than any other energy drink you could ever create in a lab...

I stopped this cycle once, in Miami. When I think back to it I can't specifically remember how, but I do know that it was around the time that I decided to move to LA when I started to sleep again. I stopped feeling frustrated and lost, and somehow that warmed me up more than anything else. I was happy.

Roseanne's reruns are starting to reach the final season... I need to hurry up and find my happy before it does. If not I'll be stuck watching Designing Women :(

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Depression

"Everyday is so wonderful. Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe"

Leave the cold,
I like it.
Go away.
Please, don't stay.

Keep me, Dark
keep to myself.
keep me here
hold it at bay.

I am a paragraph,
not merely a line.
dont cheapen me with sing-song
let the true me rhyme.

Leave the night,
I need it.
Go away.
No sun today.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Celebrity Look-Alike





Ummm... 3 things:
1.Tiger Woods?! WTF?
2.Woo-hoo! Halle Berry! OMG my ego is gonna EXPLODE!!! LOLOLOLOLOOL
3.Norah Jones? Ok, this is now my official favorite site in life.