HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAMERON ADDISON BYRD!!!

Hazel and BK had another baby today!! YAY!!

(Mommy- does this mean I don't owe you any anymore?)

STATS
Sex: Female
Name: Cameron Addison Byrd
Weight: 8lbs and 13ounces
Height: 20inches

That's about all I know so far... as soon as I get pictures I'll put them up :) I'm going home in a week anyway, so maybe I'll just take my own!

Now that my heart is invested in 3 future adults, my devastation over the plight of the world has gone into overdrive. It doesn't help that we watched "Who Killed The Electric Car" today at the house.

Depressing. Really.

I cried. Louie- who had seen it already before- didn't, but he admitted to me that he was crying like a baby the first time he saw it. The futility is endless. On the way to work I almost decided to go on a Gandhi-esque media-heavy fast (of course- my overdramatic imagination made it into a "breaking world news" primetime event)... but that lead me to a heavier question.

What can we do?

It's time our generation started a revolution. Others before us have done it, why can't we? There are SO MANY THINGS going on that are SO WRONG... WE need to take control or nobody else will!

No, I didn't stay up watching 'V for Vendetta' all night. But I did just become an aunt 3 times over, and the welfare of the ones I love is worth it enough for me to care more than those who don't.

I'm busy this weekend with, ironicly, volunteer stuff (cleaning up a shelter for mistreated animals - yay! - and seeing if there are other homeless organizations in LA than those who say "Go to Skid Row") but once I'm done, I've got to figure this stuff out. I can't sit still until I know that there's something I (WE!) can do to help stop us from destroying ourselves.

interested? come with me!

On Christmas Day (Monday, December 25, 2006) VNA Meals on Wheels will deliver hot meals to 2,500 homebound seniors and disabled persons throughout Dallas County. A central meal distribution point (1440 W. Mockingbird Dallas, TX 75247) will be used for volunteers to pick up their pre-assigned delivery routes between 8:30am and 9:30am. Volunteers will be given a map, client list, two food coolers (hot and cold foods), and a holiday gift bag for each client on their route. Once the route is finished the empty coolers are returned to the meal distribution point by noon. This is a great family opportunity! For many of our clients you will be the only person they see on Christmas Day. Help us make the holiday bright!

I'm human too

Being Vegan doesn't change that fact... SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

&$%#*!!!

I'm tired of ignorance, people. I know I have to learn to live with it, but sometimes- like now- it's just a little too much to handle. (Especially since, technically speaking, my humanity should not be in question here. Aren't I even more humane then someone who eats living creatures?)

And I don't care if you're not. Really, I don't. That's why I don't bring up that fact during conversation (unlike you). That's why I don't critique your food, or your life, and judge you by the way you live it (unlike you). Really... I don't even give a shit what you do with yourself- why do you care so much about me?

And (and I hate to say this) if it still bothers you THAT MUCH that I don't eat meat, just think of as a gift to you. You can have more now, because I don't want my share.

HAPPY?! GET OVER YOURSELF!

There are much more important things going on in the world right now that you should be worried about. Like, for instance: Genocide. Pollution. Poverty. Destruction. You are of the top 2% of all society in our world. Look outside yours, and see what's really going on.

God. Really... (unmentioned) ignorant people made me break my blog-fast, I'm so mad!

*sigh*

While I'm at it, I might as well do some Random Thoughts:
- I miss my blog, but I love my life :)
- Shannon and Roberto had a baby boy! Yay!
- Is it too late to sign up for environmentalist/activist/underground resistance leader? Where do I line up for that job?
- Mad Hot Ballroom. Hot.
- I changed my mind on the Peace Corps, yes, but technically I still have a year to turn in my application. I'm still filling it out. So I still have a year to change my mind back. Maybe I'll give it a chance after all...
- Our new Christmas tree is up and pretty at the Filmmaker House. I dubbed him Zissou :)
- New Hero: Wes Anderson. I've always loved him, but for some reason I've gotten closer to him in the last few weeks. Coen Brothers and Noah Baumbach aren't far behind, but Wes makes me cry happy tears.
- I've lost more weight as a vegan than I ever did before. I only have about 10 pounds to go until I reach my "normal" weight!
- This year I've decided instead of Christmas presents I'm donating money to charities of peoples' choice. If you'd like me to do that for you this Christmas, let me know :)

Slight differences are no less different than big ones...

...and are usually much more noticeable.

I love my blog, more than I love myself. It gives me a freedom from myself yet, at the same time, brings me closer to me. Does that make any sense? I dunno. Unfortunately, despite it all, for reasons unexplained whenever big things happen in my life that are more worthy of being written about than most others, I stop writing.

And now, for a short while, it's gonna happen again.

I'm sorry guys, I can't explain... but hopefully I will write again very soon. So as not to leave you completely out in the proverbial cold:

Random Thoughts:
-The holidays get better every year.
-And colder.
-Happy Birthday Darryl, David & Bean! (The last of which, Mommy, explains a pricey sum on my bank account at the local bowling alley, as well as a Vegan resturant shortly thereafter)
-Also, while I'm at it- though my bank account reflects otherwise, I'm not going on a "eating out" rampage... I'm just paying back people who have paid for my meals before(since I have some extra dough).
-A clean room does wonders
-So does Mountain Dew (not in a good way)
-Foosball tournaments should be on the list of 'Things that can make people exhilarated and devastated at the same time'
-GO COWBOYS!
-Welcome back home Bran!
-RIP Rikka's brother(?)/uncle(?)/dad(?)... as well as the mother of the animal pyshic lady :(
-Shannon started a 2 week stay in the hospital on the day after Thanksgiving, so that the doctors can watch her and her (unborn)baby closely. Prayers for her, Roberto, and baby Bobby please!
-I would say prayers for Hazel, as well (who is due in the next few weeks), but SINCE SHE NEVER ANSWERS THE PHONE I can't tell you how it's going.
-Thanksgiving Day thanks: to the "supreme sky guy" who works overtime to make my veganism the easiest choice I ever made (go to www.certifiedhumane.com to see how I nixed my meat desires on Thanksgiving Day)
-Not to forget on Thanksgiving Day: you(Americans specifically) MUST look outside what America and it's government/big business-run news channels want you to see and open your eyes to what is actually happening. You have the internet. Use it.
-Lastly (because I hate to end this with a downer) I'm finally getting over the fact that I was born a girl. Who woulda thunk it?

Community responds to Taser use in Powell

see corresponding video footage below

An incident late Tuesday night in which a UCLA student was stunned at least four times with a Taser has left the UCLA community questioning whether the university police officers' use of force was an appropriate response to the situation.

Mostafa Tabatabainejad, a UCLA student, was repeatedly stunned with a Taser and then taken into custody when he did not exit the CLICC Lab in Powell Library in a timely manner. Community Service Officers had asked Tabatabainejad to leave after he failed to produce his BruinCard during a random check at around 11:30 p.m. Tuesday.

UCPD Assistant Chief of Police Jeff Young said the checks are a standard procedure in the library after 11 p.m.

"Because of the safety of the students we limit the use after 11 to just students, staff and faculty," Young said.

Young said the CSOs on duty in the library at the time went to get UCPD officers when Tabatabainejad did not immediately leave, and UCPD officers resorted to use of the Taser when Tabatabainejad did not do as he was told.

A six-minute video showed Tabatabainejad audibly screaming in pain as he was stunned several times with a Taser, each time for three to five seconds. He was told repeatedly to stand up and stop fighting, and was told that if he did not do so he would "get Tased again."

Tabatabainejad was also stunned with the Taser when he was already handcuffed, said Carlos Zaragoza, a third-year English and history student who witnessed the incident.

"(He was) no possible danger to any of the police," Zaragoza said. "(He was) getting shocked and Tasered as he was handcuffed."

But Young said at the time the police likely had no way of knowing whether the individual was armed or that he was a student.

As Tabatabainejad was being dragged through the room by two officers, he repeated in a strained scream, "I'm not fighting you" and "I said I would leave."

The officers used the "drive stun" setting in the Taser, which delivers a shock to a specific part of the body with the front of the Taser, Young said.

A Taser delivers volts of low-amperage energy to the body, causing a disruption of the body's electrical energy pulses and locking the muscles, according to a report by the American Civil Liberties Union.

"It's an electrical shock. ... It causes pain," Young said, adding that the drive stun would not likely demobilize a person or cause residual pain after the shock was administered. Young also said a Taser is less forceful than a baton, for example.

But according to a study published in the Lancet Medical Journal in 2001, a charge of three to five seconds can result in immobilization for five to 15 minutes, which would mean that Tabatabainejad could have been physically unable to stand when the officers demanded that he do so.

"It is a real mistake to treat a Taser as some benign thing that painlessly brings people under control," said Peter Eliasberg, managing attorney at the ACLU of Southern California.

"The Taser can be incredibly violent and result in death," Eliasberg said.

According to an ACLU report, 148 people in the United States and Canada have died as a result of the use of Tasers since 1999.

During the altercation between Tabatabainejad and the officers, bystanders can be heard in the video repeatedly asking the officers to stop and requesting their names and identification numbers. The video showed one officer responding to a student by threatening that the student would "get Tased too." At this point, the officer was still holding a Taser.

Such a threat of the use of force by a law enforcement officer in response to a request for a badge number is an "illegal assault," Eliasberg said.

"It is absolutely illegal to threaten anyone who asks for a badge â€" that's assault," he said.

Tabatabainejad was released from custody after being given a citation for obstruction/delay of a peace officer in the performance of duty.

Neither Tabatabainejad nor his family were giving interviews Wednesday.

Police officers said they determined the use of Tasers was necessary when Tabatabainejad did not do as they asked.

According to a UCPD press release, Tabatabainejad went limp and refused to exit as the officers attempted to escort him out. The release also stated Tabatabainejad "encouraged library patrons to join his resistance." At this point, the officers "deemed it necessary to use the Taser in a "drive stun' capacity."

"He wasn't cooperative; he wouldn't identify himself. He resisted the officers," Young said.

Neither the video footage nor eyewitness accounts of the events confirmed that Tabatabainejad encouraged resistance, and he repeatedly told the officers he was not fighting and would leave.

Tabatabainejad was walking with his backpack toward the door when he was approached by two UCPD officers, one of whom grabbed the student's arm. In response, Tabatabainejad yelled at the officers to "get off me." Following this demand, Tabatabainejad was stunned with a Taser.

UCPD and the UCLA administration would not comment on the specifics of the incident as it is still under investigation.

In a statement released Wednesday, Interim Chancellor Norman Abrams said investigators were reviewing the situation and the officers' actions.

"I can assure you that these reviews will be thorough, vigorous and fair," Abrams said.

The incident, which Zaragoza described as an example of "police brutality," left many students disturbed.

"I realize when looking at these kind of arrest tapes that they don't always show the full picture. ... But that six minutes that we can watch just seems like it's a ridiculous amount of force for someone being escorted because they forgot their BruinCard," said Ali Ghandour, a fourth-year anthropology student.

"It certainly makes you wonder if something as small as forgetting your BruinCard can eventually lead to getting Tased several times in front of the library," he added.

Edouard Tchertchian, a third-year mathematics student, said he was concerned that the student was not offered any other means of showing that he was a UCLA student.

Sadness

An Iranian UCLA student is handcuffed then tasered for refusing to show school ID in the library.



Where is the news on this?

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

despair

*sob*





Now I truely am alone.


:(

Life on Mars

Busy!

The last few days are a mash of mess in my memory... I can't decifer one from the other.

But I will try :)

Thursday
Come in early (10am) to shoot the E! Dr.90210 Christmas commercial. Italian producer Vivi came up with the idea and a bunch of us volunteered to come in and do it. OMG SO MUCH FUN! Studio B was set up pretty sparsely (white background, one main light and one fill light w/a boom). What I (and the others) had to do was step in front of the camera alone and say what we wanted for Christmas- plastic surgery-wise. I know, I know... the feminist/naturalist in me is dying slowly of torture for my intrepid acts, but the hollywood-hungry sellout in me is thrilled. Vivi gave us a list of things we could say, but also mentioned that we could make up things we thought were good.

Among the possible things to say on Vivi's list:
"I want botox on my temple"
"I want breast augmentation"
"I want a nose job"

Among the things ACTUALLY said during the shoot:
"I want implants on the small toe in my left foot"
"I want a round, perfectly shaped ass" (said with a VERY SERIOUS FACE by my big scottish bossman Stephen)
"I want anal bleaching, you know... to raise my confidence"

And, lastly, the things that I said:
"I want EVERYTHING"
"I want to augment my left buttock"
"I want to get rid of my 3rd nipple"

hehe :)

Also... my design for the Halloween Conference Room Bash helped the international department win 1st place among all of E!, and apparently some unexpected recognition. A promo producer came to my desk and asked if I could be the Art Director for a new commercial he was planning. The job? Create a miniature replica of the "Central Perk" from the tv show Friends for a hand puppet reinactment of the opening scene. Would I be interested?

Resounding: YES

Due Date: the following monday.

Panic. I stayed up until 5am wrestling with how I should do everything, and contemplating my design.

Friday
I came in early (again) to attend the screening party for the commercials. We all sat in Big Bonference Room 3A, ate snacks, and laughed hysterically at each person's turn. People would stop by the more we laughed... and soon there was a huge crowd. Awesome.

Had a small meeting with the commercial producer. He gave me relative creative freedom with only a few restrictions. An artist's dream!

Because of a technical error, worked until 4:30am. Bossman Bryan let me crash at his place, and then... bright and early at 10am on Saturday morning..

Saturday
.. came back to work to help with- of all things- ACCOUNTING. Bryan is the best boss ever- he bought us lunch for coming in. Finished at 3:30pm

4:30pm got home and straight from there started working on the set. I plopped down on the living room floor and made myself a permanent fixture to behold by all... Chris came in and joined me (he had a comic strip that was due with about the same amount of turnaround time) and we kept popping movie after movie into the dvd player to keep us company.

I collapsed and dragged myself to bed at 2am. I hadnt moved from the spot AT ALL.

Sunday
Woke up at 8am, showered, and resumed living room control. Again, Chris, movies, and work until about 3:30-4am. Again, never moving.

Monday
Deep, drowning despair. It's crunch time! Woke up at 9, worked until noon.... finally finished the main set pieces and the furniture. Then got ready for work and brought everything with me.

And the producer loved it!

And now I am working (til midnight, my usual shift) and then when I get home I need to do the finishing touches and be fresh and ready by 9am tomorrow, when we actually shoot the commercial.



All I want is to sleep.

...

And I'm starting to think that my choice to stay in LA was a good one. :)

Hometown Loving

I never really thought I would grow up and live in the U.S. I always wanted to live in a villa in Italy, a fort in Scotland, or a rice hut in Japan... some hermit-like abode near water and nature that screamed magical. I never thought anything in America could be old-world enough for me to like it. Now, though, I think I found a couple places that might suit me just fine.

#1 Shelter Cove http://www.sheltercove-lostcoast.com/
Located in northern California, this place boasts not just a magical name (the area it's in is called the "Lost Coast"), but a very sparse population and- the kicker- BLACK SAND BEACHES from which you can whale watch. It's mostly retirees and weird rich hippies living there, so it's perfect for me!

#2 Bakersfield, Vermont
While I was looking for the Photo of the Week I came upon a woman's photo page that blew my heart into bits. See for yourself: http://www.flickr.com/photos/63348497@N00/
She's from Bakersfield, and upon further inspection I found out that Bakersfield boasts a mere 1,000 + residency and (judging by her pictures) is CHALK FULL of magical natural things to enjoy. Although it's not near the beach, it is surrounded by rivers and streams. Heaven on earth, if you ask me.


Anywhoo... this is kind of out of the blue, but I didnt want to forget about these places so I figured what better way to remember than by putting them in blog form?

Desperately

run inside and lock the door
but still she follows me
knocking through the glee
please bother me no more

seeping past my skin i sit
and watch the silence fall
but still it's ever there
those memories to recall

and worst of all i know ive dropped the ball
i suddenly got lost inside the wall
i'm running from me
the little girl that i see
reflections of the dreams i'll never be

Desperately
she calls me through the glass
past fears i cant surpass
why cant she just go away?

Desperately
though each day is less perfect than last
with glimmers of broken dreams cast
she grabs for me desperately

lean against the wall
i feel the cold against my skin
i hear her crying call
shes trying to get in

cant she see that i will never
be a different way
expect a better me
she's reaching for yesterday

and worst of all it's me who has to pay
this pain i feel will never go away
all i can be
isnt coming from me
failure is all that's left for her to see

Desperately
she calls me through the glass
past fears i cant surpass
why cant she just go away?

Desperately
though each day is less perfect than last
with glimmers of broken dreams cast
she grabs for me desperately

$@*#&

WHAT IS WRONG WITH CALIFORNIA?!

honestly... Prop 87 is the best thing I could have ever seen happen to California. It was the most adamantly pushed Prop BY BOTH PARTIES on the west coast.

And what do we do?

We vote no.

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

Do people even know what "voting" means?! Do they even read the ballots?! COME ON! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Also, if you take a look, the STUPID PEOPLE are voting no on same sex marriage. BY A LANDSLIDE. Surprisingly, they are voting yes on legalizing abortion and are having a close-but-no-cigar race on legalized marijuana. It shocks me, really. I thought abortion & drugs were more taboo subjects than same sex marriage, but apparently the IGNORANT PRUDES OF AMERICA are MORE AFRAID of two happy people in love than killing innocent little ones (btw- I'm very pro choice) and supporting oversees druglords (I'm ok with MaryJ). But then again, I guess that's obvious what WITH THE WAR and all.

Whatever.

In other news, I've made my new years resolution 2 months early (drumroll please):

STICK TO A BUDGET

My debt is not gonna go away if I ignore it.

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!!!!... and "Veganism is The Matrix" by Summer Berdin

TAKE THAT B*TCHES!!!

DEMOCRATS RULE!

Finally, after YEARS of wondering WTF America was (not)thinking, FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY the smart people have reached the front of the line.

I am PROUD to be an American today!

F*CK YOU REPUBLICANS! F*CK YOU BUSH! F*CK YOUR WAR! F*CK YOUR POLLUTION-MAKING-CHILDREN-STARVING-PEOPLE-DYING-MONEY-HUNGRY A$$! GET OUT, AND STAY OUT!



*cough* except for Bran. Bran can stay *cough* and Pete's girlfriend *cough*

OTHER GOD-GIVEN GOOD NEWS:
- I went on a lunch date with Metallica Man today!
- Keith Ellison won the Minnesota vote! A Muslim in congress! Awesome!
- Kelly's back! With a new blog... a link will come up soon, but unfortunately I can't tell her because I'm not a member of friendster :(

Not so good news that STILL cannot bring down my freedom-happiness:
- Sallie Mae charged me TWICE for one of my loans on "accident". That's a $400 accident.
- People still are voting against gay marriage. Stupid hypocrites. Whatever happened to "all men are created equal" or "love thy neighbor"?
- Faith Hill = not so Grace Kelly anymore
- AND, MOST AWFULLY ASTOUNDING:

BEING A VEGAN IS LIKE ENTERING THE MATRIX.
by Summer "thinks shes better than everyone cuz shes vegan" Berdin

First, you have to choose a pill. The red pill: Acute Awareness, embodied by realization through anything from a happy little video named "Meet Your Meat" to a little girl crying about her dead pet pig. The blue pill: Beautiful Oblivion, a constant state of acceptance for something that you do not know because your brain does not acknowledge it's existence. If you choose the red one, you can never go back.

But that doesn't mean you wont want to.

The character 'Cypher' in The Matrix is a little like me. Although he betrayed his friends and ultimately caused their lives- and that, I hope, is not what makes us similar- you have to agree that of all the people in the Matrix universe, his character is the most human. Neo and Trinity, with their beautiful stoic expressions and ultra-cool black goth wardrobe, are too elevated and too... how you say?... PURE for us. They can do no wrong. They are the ultimate good destroying the ultimate evil, and without so much as a trip do they veer from the path they behold. Because of that ONE fact I cannot connect with them. They are Superhuman. I am not. And neither is Cypher.

Veganism, above all things, adheres to the Red Pill Policy (RPP). Once you take the red pill, your life will change forever. You will know things you have never known, through which your world and the people around you will change and look different. This heightened sense of reality is ultimately good for you, and you cannot help but acknowledge that fact, but because of this heightened sense you cannot forget the life you led before.

Cypher has a good quote about the RPP:

"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss"

I hear you Cypher. I miss meat. I have since Tuesday morning, 2 weeks ago. I miss it daily, dearly, and with drive. I miss the smell of it as it's cooking, and the taste of it on my tongue. Most of all, I miss licking the mess of it off of my fingertips.

But at the same time, I cannot stand in front of meat and NOT remember my red pill. I can't NOT remember what I have learned since I took it 5 months ago. And I can't eat, because I know that no matter how much I might enjoy that bite I will always remember what was done to give it to me.

And I am torn.

I don't want to leave the Matrix. I don't want to be a drone hooked up to a machine. But life inside is hard, and my stomach aches for something more.

"It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied."

"She's a Maneater"

"The female equivalent to the more male-associated words like pimp or player. An irresistable woman who chews and spits out men after using them for some sort of gain -- be it sexual, financial or psychological." - www.urbandictionary.com

WHAT?! How DARE you call me that?! YOU, of all people! YOU STARTED IT ALL. 2 weeks ago I was content and fine, and you had to go ruin it! What I do I do only because it was done to me, and so far no one has objected.

Except for you. How DARE you.


*&$%#@


Whatever.

More spending. Music, movies, clothes... you name it I buy it. But I think I'm over it now... i went to Forever 21 and didn't buy ANYTHING yesterday. (There's hope in me yet!)

*sigh*

It's been a rough 2 weeks for my wallet. My goal for next week is to not spend any money at all. It's hard though... I haven't been NOT overweight in so long that seeing things fit me and look good at the same time is enough to make me swear my life to it. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me tonight.

Random Thoughts:
-Bryan's 30th birthday party at the Bungalow Club was cool. Me, James & Jason carpooled since we were stuck at work until 10:30... but it's good I didn't drive because I wouldn't have been capable of it later on in the night. Kudos James, for thinking ahead. :)
-In the last 2 weeks parties, celebrations, and a holiday have past- AND I DIDNT BRING MY CAMERA TO ANY!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!
-This thursday E! is filming a series of commercials for their show Dr. 90210, and I will be in them! I'll try to see if I can post them on here when they're done.
-Grace Rocks
-So does her apartment
-I can't stop grooving to my Pat Benatar cd. I bought Justin Timberlake's new one, the Gorillaz semi-new one, and a compilation of Nat King Cole's greatest hits, but yet the only one I've listened to so far is Pat Benatar. I dunno... she just fits my mood I guess.
-Pumpkin carving pictures will be up on my next blog, I promise. I'm busy, remember? I'm a maneater.

Here I go again on my own [Whitesnake]

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Our Photo of the Week was an amateur who beat out 2 VERY BEAUTIFUL professional pics, one of a child on the beach in her mum's hoddie, the other of an exquisite Salt Lake Valley town in the shadow of a snowy summit. Yes folks, it was a hard race, but our winner is worth every single excruiciating moment of indecision I had to go through to find her.

And now, an unveiling:

"Life is Beautiful!" by Chuchogm [flickr]

If to her share some female errors fall, Look on her face, and you'll forget them all.

She's gorgeous, isn't she?

With a smile like that, she would never be affected by THIS: (excuse the link. stupid windows...)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20010701-000023&print=1

Wow. Seriously... wow. How true. And not just for men. I find myself doing it everyday.

Speaking of which: I know I tend to exaggerate things (please God, don't let Bryan read this entry) and a prime example was when I became infatuated with (a total of) 5 guys this week. But, world, I FOUND HIM. The one for me. The man of my dreams. And get this: he is so not my style AT ALL. He is deeply into Heavy Metal, extremely shy, very gentlemanly and polite, and -gasp- in ACCOUNTING. And he's ASIAN. WTF?! Since when have I ever been interested in asian men?!

But he's a god. He's 23. He's beautiful. And he sits just 7 cubicles away from me.

Woe to those who know Thai at E!,
or any girl who can quote Metallica better than Me!

What a whirly, windy week. And cold! The valley slumbers, and I shiver... and OH NO! E! News Weekend is not processing correctly! I must vamoose!

Bulb Replaced. Start from the top...

Hemingway once wrote a story in just six words ("For sale: baby shoes, never worn.") and is said to have called it his best work. Wired.com heard and had other people try, writers and artists from all over the globe, and compiled a list.

Take a look.

The title for this blog is my first. It's a riddle, too... do you know what it means?

"Maybe I finally found it, way down here in the mud. Maybe from down here I can start up again, be something I can be proud of, without having to fake it, be a fake human being." -Platoon

The meaning of (my) life

I've thought it over since my last post. I was really stressed, so I started cleaning my room (has it come to that?!) when I found my peace corp book:



I finished reading it a couple weeks ago... it's pretty good. Kris Holloway (the peace corp volunteer who wrote it) is not a professed writer but she does a good job in telling her story. It's about how Monique (pictured), the only midwife in a small village in the African country of Mali, saved and changed the lives of hundreds of Malian women.

And while I looked at the book in my obsessive drudgery, the lights turned on.

I know why I am alive! I was put on this earth to make a difference.

Now, this might sound a bit crazy (or- OMG!- corny) but let me explain... All my life I have been pulled by this hunger to reach out and touch people. I have written stories since the day I was born, and when I started growing some intellect I also put as much effort in trying to help those in need of it. I was on the newspaper at the same time that I was a physical trainer. I wrote novels with Brandi and drove with Chau to give dinners to the homeless. While in film school I was the vice president of the SGA, and wrote on an underground student paper created for the sole purpose of taking down the corrupt administration. In stages, I have wanted to join the army, the red cross, and now the peace corps. I struggle with myself to figure out which I want most- to help the world or to write about it.

BUT THATS WHEN IT ALL BECAME CLEAR! Filmmakers and writers make a difference too! Boo to you who think that filmmaking is all about the pretty lights and explosions, or that books are for teachers or mothers with nothing to do. A prime example of how the art of storytelling can change lives is through studying Oliver Stone, who in his need to tell of his experience in Vietnam has affected the lives of the millions of people who viewed his tale. Veterans who were alienated from their friends and family could finally feel that someone understood, and also used the chance to try and get their loved ones to see how it was when no other form of communicating about it worked. And young ones like me, who have ever experienced anything and would never have a clue about the effects of war on the people involved, can learn as well, and grow from it.

!!!!

I'm happy again. Not completely- this doesn't clear up my issue of what I need to do with the next few years of my life- but at least now I have a map to hold on to when I question the way. I know what my ultimate purpose is. Whether I'm meant to find it through obscurity or through fame I don't know, I admit I hope for the latter, but at least the fog has cleared, and I can see the road.

first i find out that i'm addicted, then i realize that my life is sh*t

I just saw Platoon.



God... have you guys seen that movie?! I know I'm a little late in the game, but still! Jesus!

How can you watch something like that and then go about your life normally without feeling completely irrelevant and useless?!

ARGH!

First off, let me explain my heading for today. Earlier in the evening I found out that I was an addict. Chris, Sophia, and I had just come from the El Capitan theatre (they screened Nigthmare Before Christmas in 3-D and WE HAD to go see it), and Sophia suggested we stop by Hot Topic so she could invest in some "Halloween costume comparison shopping". We went, and waited, and while we were there I bought some fake Sugar Shoes.

Anyone in LA will tell you that for the last 4 months I have been desperately wanting a pair of Sugar Shoes. Specifically? The Smokin Cat or Hook Up Cat brands... any and all colors, if possible. So you can imagine my euphoria when I finally got the chance to own a fake(cheap) pair of my own, a snazzy set with black and white stripes and a blue star on the corner.



I loved them. I loved everything about them- the idea of them, the fact that I owned them, and the mere presence of them in my closet. So much so, that I started to become hungry for the chance to accessorize them with matching clothes.

And that's when it happened. I went shopping.
And spent $100 on CLOTHES.

I don't know how. I don't remember a thing. All I can recall is my walking into the store, and then I have blank spots in my memory until I found myself back home, tired, hungry, and somewhat lighter in my (new)purse.

Astounded I was- yes, my friends, this tomboy had suddenly relinquished her dark side on the world- and even more was my shock when I realized that I was still ansy for more. I HAD to shop again, and tonight. I was addicted, and the one and only thing that could stop me from self destruction was immediately the first comfort I ran towards:

I watched a movie.

My heart and soul. My warmth on a cold morning. The thing that drives me, that brings the life into my flesh. My movies.

If there was ever a picture of pure happiness in the encyclopedia that is Summer, you would see a combination of 5 things. Family, Friends, Cats, Books, and Movies. And in those moments in life when I find myself at my worst, I throw my all into one of those in a last ditch effort to save myself.

And so I saw Platoon. I saw the realism of hate, war, fear & pain. I saw what countless people have gone through since the beginning of time, and what they are undoubtedly going through right now as we speak. Most importantly: I saw my own ignorance towards it all and the contemptuous bubble I live in.

And I realized that my life is sh*t.

And now I don't know what to do.

Feed the birds

Photo of the Week: "Annie" by vgmayes [Flickr]



"All around the cathedral the saints and apostles
Look down as she sells her wares
Although you can't see it,
You know they are smiling
Each time someone shows that he cares"
- Mary Poppins

Everyone on the internet is a big, fat liar

It's true.

Since the day I decided to join the Peace Corps I have been scared shitless. Undecided. Aggitated. Unsure. I have had fear so strong that my whole day is spent listlessly on my bed while my mind does sprints around me deciding which direction to lead my life.

I have also had my good days, GREAT days, where my mind is clear and my heart is happy and the angels sing in the sky. These days are stronger and more frequent than the aforementioned ones- and they steer me along and I am glad for it- but I don't ever want anyone to think I am blind to my fear.

I have fear. It lives with me. I wake with it, eat with it, and slowly become more comfortable with it. It does not go away, but I do not ignore it. Therefore (and most importantly):

IT DOES NOT GET STRONGER.

I have been steadily collecting bookmarks and links online of favorite blogs from Peace Corps volunteers (present and past), as well as a bigger library of books and videos I rent and read, and articles I study, to add to my knowledge of the PC experience. So far it's been great homework- the community soup we call the 'internet' is endless and my growing hunger never wants- and happily there has been a great unbalance between the people who loved the Peace Corps and the people who hated it (heavy on the first option). But one thing irks me.

No one mentions their fears.

Come on guys- we're all human here! So we like to embellish a little... it's the internet, after all, and we can if we want. But don't tell me NO ONE was a little afraid, a little hesitant... was NO ONE unsure of signing their life away for TWO WHOLE YEARS? Did NO ONE have something else they could be doing, someone else they could be spending that time with?

Is no one else afraid?

*sigh*

I have been searching the ends of cyberspace looking for someone who admits to their fear, and who eventually conquers it. Endlessly, and vainly. Well, NO MORE. THIS STOPS RIGHT HERE.

I stand before you, naked. Hello World, I am Summer, and I am afraid. And I am proud of it. So don't worry, my fellow PC padawans... if you happened upon my blog looking for someone who feels a little like you, look no more. You're in the right place, and you're not alone.

We will get through this together.

I've changed my mind

I no longer want to join the Peace Corps.

I want to pack my bags, rent an unconventional house made of glass sitting atop a lake on stilts and fall in love with a man who I send letters to who is living his life 2 years before my time.

Oh, and I want to be perky and sweet and cutely distraught about the whole situation, Sandra Bullock-esque.

Keanu Reeves must be sent by Pan. I know this because he was put on this earth to make me fall in love with him over and over and over again, only to be taken away after 2 hours time. Pan seems to have the reputation of teasing people with their dreams, and within Keanu Reeves he has found the perfect tool to tease mine.

Not that Keanu Reeves is a dream of mine, but he tends to find characters (Jack Travern in 'Speed', and now Alex Wyler in 'The Lake House') that are SO PERFECT AND DREAMY AND CONSIDERATE AND ROMANTIC AND WHO PINE FOR THEIR IMPOSSIBLE LOVE/GOAL WITH A LOOK OF PURE INNOCENCE AND FRAILTY THAT (despite the acting) I TEND TO FALL COMPLETELY IN LOVE THEM WITH EACH TIME.

So there. Forget the Peace Corps. Forget filmmaking, writing, and whatever else I want to do. I will go, get a perky haircut, a cute disposition, and find some lake house/speeding bus to live my life in, until my own Mr. Reeves decides he wants to join the story, and shows up.




Oh, and while we're on the subject of Korean films ("Il Mare" anyone?) let me just say one thing:

Chan-wook Park is one of the greatest storytellers of our generation, and he has yet to dissappoint. I saw 'Lady Vengeance' yesterday (I KNOW! How can I own 'Oldboy' and not see the first and third movies of the trilogy?!) and I didn't think it possible but I like it more than I like 'Oldboy'. I must rectify my ignorance at once and finally see 'Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance'. Backward, maybe, but there is no connection between the 3 so at least I'm saved from any confusion storywise. I plan to buy the other two as soon as my budget deems it possible. I admit, I'm moronic for not buying the 3 together originally. I know! But I am only human! STOP JUDGING ME!

I've had my say. Now leave me alone so I can pack... I have a lake house to prepare for.

A Part of Pakistan You Don't Get to See...

Photo "Fairyland Indeed" from Flickr, taken by Heartkins.

On Friday nights during the wee hours of work I do my "Photo Fridays." I start with Msnbc.com's "Week in Pictures," then head over to Flickr to see the "Last 7 Days" photos that show the best of the week. I have been doing this since I was a freshmen in college... something like a hobby, you can say. This photo is not my favorite today... not at all, by far- but I got the shock of my life when I opened it (expecting to hear it was taken in Switzerland) and saw that it was taken in Pakistan.

The world is beautiful. It is we that make it ugly.

So here starts my "Photo of the Week." I love pictures so much, why not show you my favorites? This one is my first ever, and all though it is not the best, it stands alone here today because it means something more than a 'pretty picture.' It is about finding beauty where you would never expect it, and to recognize the power that you have to discover it wherever you go.

Happiness Double Time

Item #1: Vegan Cupcakes from Mani's Bakery on Fairfax



Item #2: Dude kicking @$$ in Krav Maga



OMG. Put the 2 together and you'll realize how AMAZING my week has been so far.

Asian Americans in the Peace Corps

By Bert Eljera

Noel Lee still remembers the bewildered look on her father�s face when she announced she was joining the Peace Corps and going to Mongolia.

"He could not understand it," said Lee, recalling her family�s shocked reaction. "Here I was making good money working for Chase Manhattan Bank in New York, and I was kind of throwing it away by going to Mongolia."

Her father, an immigrant from China who worked hard to send her to college, wondered why she would leave a good-paying job, go to a foreign country, and work for free, Lee said.

That was back in 1992. Lee, 25 at the time, figured there was more to life than making money. "I wanted to make a difference," she said. "I wanted to help people."

So, despite her father�s misgivings, Lee spent two years in Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia, and worked on a United Nations loan program to help Mongolian women set up their own business.

Eventually, Lee�s family, including her father, came around. Now, she described those two years in Mongolia as the best in her life. "I�ve learned that I can do anything. If I can do it in Mongolia, I can do it anywhere."

Lee is not alone. An increasing number of young Asian Pacific Americans are joining the Peace Corps, the agency established in 1961 by then-President John F. Kennedy to "fight hunger, disease, illiteracy, poverty, and lack of opportunities around the world."

Of the more than 140,000 volunteers who have served on the program for the past 35 years, 900 were Asian Pacific Americans-more than blacks, Latinos, or Native Americans.

This year, the Peace Corps has 6,500 volunteers in 90 countries around the globe. Four percent, or 268, are Asian Pacific Americans.

But, despite the impressive numbers, there�s much debate in Asian American households, pitting young APAs eager to serve and make a difference against pragmatic parents who insist that the family comes first.

Children argue that going abroad is an adventure; parents insist it�s dangerous and the benefits are not worth the risk.

Moreover, in most Asian cultures, volunteerism is not traditional, although most communities encourage mutual help and cooperation as evidenced by the benevolent societies among the Chinese and the bayanihan spirit among Filipinos.

At the Organization of Chinese Americans national convention in San Francisco last month, the Peace Corps booth drew large crowds if only a few on-the-spot volunteers.

"I�d love to do it," said Stephen Ng, 21, a student at City College in San Francisco. "But I can�t afford it. I don�t have the time. I�m better off working and supporting myself and my family."

Emily Nye of San Jose, who also visited the Peace Corps booth, said she considered volunteering when she graduated from college 10 years ago, but her parents did not allow her.

"Maybe my children will get the chance," said Nye, a mother of two girls.

If Asian Americans tend to shy away from volunteer work, "it has nothing to do with culture," said Robert Fung, a professor of Asian American studies at San Francisco State University. It�s all about pragmatism and survival, he said.

Fung said the Peace Corps is a mixed bag for Asian Americans. While altruism is admirable, "there are enough problems at home that we have to take care of. Everyone is looking at Asian Americans as the model minority, but it�s not an accurate picture."

Stanley D. Suyat, an associate director and the highest-ranking Asian Pacific American in the Peace Corps, agrees that the Peace Corps is not for everybody. "It takes a certain type of personality and circumstance-those not ready for a career yet and want to see the world."

Suyat, 52, who was born to parents of Filipino heritage and grew up in Hawaii, served as a volunteer in the Philippines in the 1960s and said the Peace Corps offers a life of adventure, which is appealing to young people.

But he acknowledged that in most Asian Pacific American families, children are expected to find jobs and contribute to the family after finishing school. While there are obvious benefits, volunteering involves sacrifices, he said.

Liz Lee, a Korean American who volunteered to serve in Namibia in southwest Africa in 1991, said her parents were very much against her joining the Peace Corps.

"It�s not something that a lot of Asians do," Liz Lee said. "My parents thought it was very strange that I would want to go to Africa. They said I was better off going back to school."

Louie Abanilla, who came to the United States from the Philippines when he was a boy, joined the Peace Corps and volunteered to go to Poland in 1990-against his parents� wishes.

His parents virtually disowned him, but when he was invited to the White House by then-President George Bush for the send-off, his parents had a change of heart.

"His father came to the U.S. with $200 in his pocket," said Suyat, a friend of the Abanilla family. "And there they were in the White House, at the invitation of the president. It was overwhelming."

Abanilla now works as a recruiter for the Peace Corps in the East Coast, Suyat said.

The average Asian Pacific American volunteer is 27 years old and either fresh from college or has worked for about a couple of years. The majority of APA corps volunteers-59 percent-are female.

Most volunteer out of idealism and a desire to make a difference. Others volunteer because the two years spent with the Peace Corps enhance the prospects for a good career, either in international trade or in nonprofit organizations.

"I gained a wonderful experience," said J. D. Hokoyama, president of the Los Angeles-based Leadership Education For Asian Pacifics Inc., who went to Ethiopia in 1967. "Going and living outside of the country forced me to adopt a much broader view of the world."

Hokoyama said the experience opened his eyes to the need for nonprofit groups, which he has been involved with for more than two decades.

Kelvin Mow, who now manages an importing business in Mill Valley, Calif., said the years he spent in Kenya from 1993 to 1995 offered him a chance to learn a new culture and society.

He lived with a Kenyan family for nearly three months, taught at a computer school, advised women and self-help groups on starting their own business, and conducted business seminars in Kitala, Kenya.

He also set up soccer leagues, coached at a local high school, created videos for the Peace Corps, and solicited funds for various projects in Kenya. "It was a fabulous experience," said Mow, who was 24 when he volunteered. "It was hard being away from my family, but it�s amazing the knowledge you learn about yourself under difficult situations."

Mow, born in New York to a Chinese American father and a mother who is part Chinese, said his parents supported his decision to go to Africa.

"It would only improve my career," said Mow, who was two years out of graduate school when he volunteered. "I wasn�t dependent on them. We�re financially independent of each other."

Henry Der, deputy superintendent for external affairs of the California Department of Education, volunteered to serve in Kenya for the Peace Corps from 1968 to 1970.

"It was a precursor to a lot of social activism, there�s no doubt about it," said Der, who served for more than 20 years as executive director of Chinese For Affirmative Action until his appointment to the education post this year. "If I can go halfway around the world to help people, I surely can help people in my own community."

Suyat, the Peace Corps associate director, said volunteers come back with more experience and with more marketable skills.

"Knowledge of another culture and language are attractive to business," said Suyat, who points to himself as an example of how a stint with the Peace Corps can advance one�s career.

After teaching English in the Philippines, Suyat came back to the United States in 1968, and immediately landed a job with the United Parcel Service in New York.

The line on his resume-Peace Corps volunteer-was the clincher, he said. "UPS felt that I could offer a different perspective to the company, a slightly different way of making a contribution."

Suyat, who was in San Francisco for the OCA convention, spent five years with UPS, then became a partner of a law firm, and later White House liaison to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for the Clinton administration. In 1993, he was appointed Peace Corps associate director.

"It�s not a picnic," he said. "It�s a tough job. You don�t live in ideal conditions. The food is often not familiar, you don�t understand the language. But it�s the toughest job you�ll ever love."

There are practical benefits. Volunteers receive the best language and cross-cultural training by living overseas. They receive career counseling assistance once they finish their volunteer work. They get preference in federal government jobs.

Many student loans are deferred, and a percentage of the principal and interest for a Perkins Loan, a federal student loan program, may be canceled for each year of service.

In addition, volunteers receive housing, food, clothing, and a miscellaneous expenses allowance. After three months of training and two years of service, a volunteer receives a $5,400 readjustment allowance.

These practical benefits often help parents to eventually support their children�s decision, Suyat said.

But, sometimes, parents are hard to appease. Liz Lee said her mother was so worried that the two years she spent with the Peace Corps would limit her chances of meeting a good man and getting married.

"My mother said I should think of marriage," said Liz Lee, 25 and an employee at a biotech company in Emeryville when she volunteered in 1991. "She tried to match me up with a man."

Now 29, Liz Lee works as a Peace Corps recruiter in San Francisco. She is still single.

Margaret Choi, an immigrant from Hong Kong, said she was scared when her daughter, Rhonda Choi, decided to volunteer for Nicaragua in 1993.

She relented, eventually, because Rhonda was persistent, she said. "I just told her that I hope you meet a jungle prince," she said with a laugh. "Find a prince, not a bear or crocodile in the jungle."

She did not find a jungle prince, but Rhonda came back a changed woman, more mature and caring, Margaret said.

But she said she was always apprehensive of her daughter�s safety while Rhonda was in Nicaragua, which is a common concern for parents.

Suyat said the Peace Corps is vigilant about the safety of its volunteers and would not put them in harm�s way. But because they go to all corners of the world, safety problems sometimes crop up. He could not provide figures, but some volunteers have died on assignments, most often due to accidents.

In 1990, a Peace Corps volunteer was kidnapped in the Philippines, Suyat said. The volunteer was unharmed, but it forced the cancellation of the program there for two years, he said.

"The safety of our volunteers is foremost," Suyat said. "We go to some extreme measures, such as stopping a program completely, until we ensure that our volunteers are completely safe."

Suyat himself volunteered to serve in the Philippines back in 1966. He worked as an English teacher in the southern Philippines. A third-generation Filipino American, Suyat said he wanted to learn his roots.

"It was a wonderful education about my culture," Suyat said. "There is no better way to learn about your culture than live in the community."

At the end of his two-year stint in the Philippines, Suyat married his first wife, Victoria, who also was a Peace Corps volunteer. They had two children but are now divorced. Suyat is married to Linda Suyat, a Japanese American.

It may seem a contradiction, but Asian Pacific Americans say becoming a Peace Corps volunteer makes them more American and conscious of their ethnic heritage at the same time.

J.D. Hokoyama, a third-generation Japanese American, said he became more aware of his heritage when he volunteered to go to Africa. "People were always surprised when I said I was an American," Hokoyama said. "They figured I was from the Orient. They were surprised that an American would have an Asian face."

Der, who worked in an agricultural project in Kenya, said the Kenyans thought he was black because he did not have the European features of most Americans.

But Der, born in Stockton, Calif., to Chinese immigrant parents, said he was accepted for who he was, and built lifelong friendships with some Kenyans and volunteers from other countries that he met in Africa.

"You learn to respect other cultures and gain better appreciation of your own," Der said.

That was the most rewarding part of her Mongolian experience, said Noel Lee, whose mother is German.

Lee said the Mongolians told her that she looked more Mongolian than American, with her high cheekbones, porcelain skin, and Asian features.

"They thought all Americans have blond hair and blue eyes," said Lee, who was born in New Mexico and raised in Oklahoma. "I became closer to them because I looked like them."

Lee said the Peace Corps is recruiting more minorities to reflect the changing face of the United States. "We want to tell the world there are Asians in this country, too."

Lee, who moved to San Francisco in 1994, now works at a natural foods store and is learning yoga, hoping to someday open her own holistic health business.

A graduate from Baylor University with a degree in marketing, Lee said she now wants to pursue her own dream. "I was raised to make money, but life is too short to not do what you�re really interested in doing. I want to help people with stressful lives."
Peace Corps at a Glance

Since 1961, 900 Asian Pacific Americans have served on the Peace Corps. Last year, the 268 Asian Pacific American volunteers accounted for 4 percent of worldwide volunteers. Nearly a third of all current minority volunteers (31 percent) are APAs.

Among Asian American volunteers and trainees, 59 percent are women and 41 percent men. Worldwide, 55 percent of volunteers are women and 45 percent men.

Asian Pacific American volunteers tend to be younger than other volunteers. The average age for APAs is 27, compared with the overall average age of 31 for volunteers. Only 4 percent of Asian Pacific American volunteers are over 40, compared to 11 percent for the total group. The oldest Asian Pacific American volunteer is 68.

Asian Pacific Americans have served in every Peace Corps region. Forty-two percent, or 381 volunteers, have been in Africa; 24 percent, or 223 volunteers, in the Americas; 17 percent, or 193 volunteers, in Asia and the Pacific; and 17 percent, or 103 volunteers, in Europe, Central Asia, and the Mediterranean.

Asian Pacific Americans currently serve in 70 of the 94 Peace Corps countries. The countries with the highest number of Asian Pacific American volunteers are Thailand (13); Malawi (11); Nepal (10); and Cameroon (10).

In terms of skill sectors, 28 percent of Asian Pacific American volunteers serve in education; 25 percent in health; 15 percent in environment; 14 percent in business; 10 percent in agriculture; and 5 percent in special projects/urban.

Eighty-nine percent of Asian Pacific Americans have previous language training and 16 percent have nine years or more foreign language experience, which may reflect those who are native speakers of Asian languages.

Peace Within

I'm joining the Peace Corps!

It's official. I've broken the news to my parents and friends, and have set a move-out date with my roommates. I'm doing it! I'm finally doing it!

After much (MUCH) deliberation, after many sleepless hours and a countless amount of soul searching, I sat down and FINALLY starting filling out my Peace Corps application.

tingles!

The application process takes a while. It's like a final exam, this thing. I need to find records and official docs about myself that I didn't even know I had. Also, after I turn it in, I need to do a complete medical and dental checkup and give them the results and wait for a "pass" grade. ooftah. All the websites online say that the paperwork is the worst part, though, so I'm ok with the hassle :)

Wait, what? Why? Are you asking me why?

Well, it's a lot of things really. Most importantly: it's time. My job is ending in December and that familiar tug is pulling at my belly. Do you know the line from Beauty and the Beast, when Belle is running up the hill? If I remember correctly:

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can stand."

The first time I heard that line I was a wee girl in the 4th row at the movie theater, and I cried. Not because I felt bad for Belle. Not because the film was astoundingly breathtaking and could bring my emotions to the surface instantly (which it still can); no- because someone had somehow found something I was holding safely inside me and announced to the world that they were feeling the same way.

To this day, when she says that line (and THE WAY she says it), brings me to tears. It's the tug. The tug that happens to me every year, when life is lulling and the days are beautiful and I'm sitting in my familiar setting (wherever it is), bored.

I want adventure!

Lastly: I want to help! Somehow, some way, doing whatever needs to be done. I YEARN to help. I see so much trauma and pain and devastation going on in the world, and I sit in front of my computer/tv and do NOTHING about it. Nothing. But with the Peace Corps I can help! I can go out in the world and try, try whatever, but at least try!

That being said, I can't wait to start. But I must wait. 2007 is not the time to leave and go fulfill any ol' destinies. My sister is having another baby, and Brandi is getting married. Respectively, I will be an aunt and a maid of honor... and I refuse to miss it. And THAT'S how joining the Peace Corps is perfect for my timing right now.

You see, my job is ending in December. For the last 2 years (after graduation) I have been agonizing over the fact that I'm not fitting with the world I have surrounded myself in. I'm too young, too naive, too scared. I haven't exactly wanted to tuck tail and run (never!) but I have felt an urgent need for a break- a calm- to collect myself and figure it all out. You know, prepare myself for the battle.

Well, this is the perfect opportunity. Once my job ends, I can go home. I can spend 2007 with my family, my friends, (myself), and reach the calm I've been needing. And with 2 important things happening in the lives of Hazel and Brandi, it's better to spend the year with them than far away.

So my plan:
- End the year in Los Angeles (spend Christmas with my roomies). Maybe do some touristy things I never got to before because of my work schedule.
- Move back home in January.
- Get a random job (possibly at American Airlines or something so I can travel for free on my year off) & pay off some debts without the added cost of rent and misc. bills for my own place
- Help Hazel with the girls.
- Help Brandi with her wedding.
- Take misc. classes at the community college (namely: photography, writing, and self defense)
- Continue with my workout schedule (I'm doing good! 4-5 months in so far and flying fine)
- Save some money, maybe buy a camera/laptop for the trip
- 2008, start the adventure of a lifetime.

Solid.

If you're curious... I specifically want to go to Mongolia (although anywhere that needs me is fine). I saw a documentary on Mongolia when I was young and I was entranced by the country and it's people. (Plus it has a whopping 0 fatalities). I read somewhere that if you want to go to Mongolia in the Peace Corps, you have to put June as your starting month because that's when the people leave for it. So, I guess right on my 25th birthday I'll be starting my trip. Also: Peace Corps requires 27 months from their volunteers, so when I get back I'll be almost 2 1/2 years older. Better I do it now than when I'm older and have a family or more substantial bills to worry about.

Random:
- Speaking of fatalities... why is it that the Philippines has the highest fatalities due to murder in the Peace Corps? We're nice people! WTF?
- And why don't I choose the Philippines since I'm from there, you ask... well I would if I could, but I'm not allowed to go to a country that houses any living relatives (company policy). Maybe I'll visit on my way home :)

Sleeping with Nick

I can't sleep anymore.

Last friday morning I brought Chris to the airport. I'm no good at waking up in the morning (what do you expect? I work the night shift!), so my brilliant idea was to come home from work, stay up until it was time to go, then sleep when I got back.

Good idea, except now I can't sleep EVER.

Since that night I havent been able to sleep. YES, I've been sick (and slightly depressed, which- I admit- tends to happen when I feel feverish), but STILL. COME ON. I'll turn off the light, get into bed, then BOOM. All this ENERGY suddenly comes out of nowhere and slaps me in the face. Like, hard.

It's gotten pretty severe. I'll lie in bed from 2am to 4 just twiddling my thumbs. Then, when I maybe might get a little snooze action, the Dutchess herself will help me out of it. Halfway through my tumbling Cleo will jump on the bed (purring like a train, BTW) and position herself in the most deliciously uncomfortable spot on my body at that given moment. Lying on my side? She'll sleep on my face. Lying on my back? She's vibrating under a leg. Cute, yes, but no cigar.

What's worse is that tv wont even help. I had this problem, before, in Miami, when I started hating my job and was feeling restless in life and all... I wouldn't be able to sleep and would stay up at ungodly hours watching uber marathons on Nick @ Night. My poison back then was Wings.

Well, guess what guys? Now it's Roseanne.

I'm starting to love it. Good, because it's a great show and should be loved... but Bad because now I cant turn away.

"But Summer, why dont you just turn the tv off?"

You aren't paying attention. I don't turn the tv on until around 4. Before that I just soak in the silence of my room and think. Bad thing, thinking. It keeps you awake worse than any other energy drink you could ever create in a lab...

I stopped this cycle once, in Miami. When I think back to it I can't specifically remember how, but I do know that it was around the time that I decided to move to LA when I started to sleep again. I stopped feeling frustrated and lost, and somehow that warmed me up more than anything else. I was happy.

Roseanne's reruns are starting to reach the final season... I need to hurry up and find my happy before it does. If not I'll be stuck watching Designing Women :(

Depression

"Everyday is so wonderful. Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe"

Leave the cold,
I like it.
Go away.
Please, don't stay.

Keep me, Dark
keep to myself.
keep me here
hold it at bay.

I am a paragraph,
not merely a line.
dont cheapen me with sing-song
let the true me rhyme.

Leave the night,
I need it.
Go away.
No sun today.

Celebrity Look-Alike

Ummm... 3 things:
1.Tiger Woods?! WTF?
2.Woo-hoo! Halle Berry! OMG my ego is gonna EXPLODE!!! LOLOLOLOLOOL
3.Norah Jones? Ok, this is now my official favorite site in life.

It's a girl!

Wow... rare site. Look Mommy- your youngest can be pretty too!



hehe.

To my myspace friends who have already seen these pics... sorry. I had to. I'm just so proud of them... I had to show them to my family. It's not every day that they get to see me look like a female. :)

The best choice I ever made

"I think I have what could be accurately called an obsessive personality. I was discussing this with Jacob last night as it relates to my moods: when I'm angry, I think really hard about how angry I am until I can barely see straight and I hate everyone. When I'm happy, I bounce around on my toes talking to myself about what an incredibly fantastic day/hour/minute I'm having. When I'm tired, I think tired tired tired tired to myself (but slowly) until my heels are dragging and my eyes want to close. Apparently I have a megaphone built into my brain that amplifies everything.

At the moment it's amplifying donuts. I've been thinking about them since I ordered my sister's birthday package. "Donut donut donut," my brain said to me while I waited for her to get it. "DONUT." My hands staged a bloodless coup on Friday night and placed an order for some donuts of my own with, I admit, little resistance from the rest of my body (particularly my mouth). "Donut," said my brain, "good job, Dianna, donut." I keep checking my mail to see if my order has been shipped yet. Unshipped, unshipped, donut, donut, where are my donuts? Unshipped. It's been one whole business day since my order was placed; can I write to veganessentials and plead with them to figure out what's wrong?

At this point it's almost certain that if I don't get donuts this week I'm going to die. It's true that there are few authenticated cases of death from donut deprivation, but I'm unconvinced that I won't be the first. The word "donut" is throbbing in my head like the Tell-Tale Heart, threatening to be my undoing. Don't believe me? Try counting how many times I just used it in a three-paragraph blog entry."

Alright... so many of you will agree that the above statement fits me like a glove. Hardy Har Har. But if you did, then you'd be missing the point of me showing it to you anyway. The point?

DONUTS.

VEGAN DONUTS.

Today I was DEVASTATED to find out that Krispy Kreme donuts were not vegan friendly. Seriously, devastated. So much so, that I considered becoming vegetarian instead of vegan. This of course is a culmination of a lot of stuff over the last few days, but my thoughts were no joke and I probably would've turned by the end of the night.

If not for the blog entry I read above.

If you go to google and you type in "Can vegans eat donuts?" (which is what I did) then you will get a couple of random links, and this: http://snoqualmie.cementhorizon.com/archives/003677.html

I opened it, and it led me to the answer to my prayers. Not only was this girl EXACTLY like me, but she was feeling the EXACT SAME WAY I was feeling at the time. And better yet: she pointed out oh-so-blatantly that there was such a thing as happiness for the vegan crowd.

And so I started an expedition. 2am. Donut time. I found a vegan donut place close by and Chris and I went to check it out. Can I say, awesome?

It's on Glenoaks in Glendale, called Sesame Donut, and the nightshift guy is Billy... he's very sweet and he slipped us like 5 donuts for free. Thanks Billy!


OOoooohhhh yyyeeeaaahhhh


Chris and a cinnamon bun


Yeah, that's right- 2 at a time baby!


One box of 2 that we brought home.


Cool little antique coffee maker :)

Total, sublime happiness.

I've eaten enough donuts in the last 20 minutes to last a year, and the boxes are still full of more. Really- I'm ecstatic. I knew it would be hard becoming a vegan, but the temptation to turn was never so bad as it was today. But God (and whatever others) up there must be really sweet... every time it gets tough they throw me 500 pillows. Thank you so much! It just deepened my determination to keep doing what I'm doing... Every fork I've come across in this road has just led me to bigger and better things. 90% of the amazing food I've tasted and the places I've been I would have never been able to experience if I wasn't a vegan. So I think I'm heading in the right direction.

If God thinks I'm doing a good job by not eating his animals, then so be it. I'll try my best to keep him happy. I hope he knows how thankful I am to him for making this easy for me. :)

Getting ready for the prom

Note: Anyone looking for sketch crawl pics... dont worry. I'll have them up by FRIDAY.

As I may or may not have previously mentioned, roommate Sophia is taking movie special fx classes. This encompasses many many things, the main emphasis being on MONSTER MAKEUP.

"Monster Makeup?" You say, "What's that?"

Well, my naive reader, monster makeup, aptly put, is the makeup that is done behind the scenes to make "monsters" look convincible in front of the camera. It can consist of the smallest cuts and bruises to full-fledge head and body prosthetics. And this process, specifically if you want it to look believable (which most, if not all, filmmakers do), can only be done by a select group of people.

Enter the FX team.

Suffice it to say that no good FX team is fresh out of the batch. Nope... each and every player must go through years and years of practice until they can even be CONSIDERED good enough to be part of this complex cast. Sophia (and her classmates), must do the same. And what else are roommates for, if not for practice?

:)

So last Thursday and Friday Me, Chris, and Louie went to help out (Louie for only thursday). For 6-7 hours (8am to 2pm-ish) each day we sat in little actor chairs while they polished they trade. AND THEY DID AN AWESOME JOB! Ignore all of the above, I think we got some pros up in this house!


We brave few


Meesey and Louie lost their hair!


Maybe I should have washed my face better?...


Prosthetics. Beautiful. Who needs plastic surgery?


L to R: Luis the dead punk zombie, Meesey the jolly young st. nick, and Me the leper


Leprecy rocks!


Chris and Louie, and pumpkin head...


End of Day #1... Summer tired...


Me on Day #2... and some new molds


Sophia GLUES the skin cap on me. That's right: GLUE


5 of the maybe 12 prosthetics used


Final blow: Fire Victim. How disgustingly delicious!


Taking it off... Sophia looks tired, because this one took almost 8 hours.


Me, free, and happy.

Cool huh? If you notice, each pile of monster mash took from 6-8 hours. Puts a new light on those actors who have to do a full day's worth of acting/action AFTER going through all that, huh? Mucho respect.

And yes, of course I kept it. But then I threw it away, cuz it started to smell :)

Twizzlers are

the bane of my existence

Plunged into perpetual sunset

Sunny California. 2pm.

And the sunlight on my car is a deep sepia.

Above the swatch of blue sky is a new horizon- a darker one. I noticed it first while turning onto Vineland... and not by spotting it visually. I noticed it because my body was reacting to the things I was seeing around me. A 'miracle hour' overlay surrounded all of the things on the street. Lusty yellow and dusty brown engulfed everything. I started to feel tired, and a little relaxed.

Why? Because I thought it was sundown.

And then I felt the heat around me and turned my car's AC on... strange, I thought. The nights now were getting cold. Why do I need the AC?

Then it hit me: it's early afternoon.

There is a big cloud of brown in the sky. Big. Really big. The view from Mulholland (where you can see all of LA) shows a dusty fog surrounding the city. Denizens of brown dust swirl in the sky, and the sun fights to be seen through the haze.

There is fire in our midst. Close by. The air is screaming it's pain.

News From Thailand

A lone blogger has been spreading news over the internet:



Alpha_Binary 286 points 10 hours ago*
A Thai here, reporting live from the capital.

23:25 Sep 19 local time... All local television channels are shut down. Tanks are rolling in the city. The capital has been completely taken over by the MILITARY coup, facing no resistance. Cellphones have also been cut. It is also rumored that some government representatives have been held captive.

No blood shed so far. Streets are dead quiet.

Of course, their biggest mistake is forgetting about the Internet.

update @ 23:58 : FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT
The coup operation team have made their first announcement.

Mainly, they plan to seize over the complete control from the current "temporary" government, and hand it back to the people. Actually I don't quite get their point, since that is what we call an election, and one is due in several weeks. I will edit again should there be another event or announcement worth mentioning.

On the other hand, it appears that the only cable TV service, UBC, has recently been cut as well. Some radio stations are accessible, almost all of which are still airing regular programs. Rumors are that there are plans to take down the Internet in a few hours.

It is raining outside. This is going to be a long night for us Thais.

On an unrelated note, looks like my chemistry exam tomorrow is going to be canceled; making the first good news in several hours.

urgent update @ 0:16 : LINKS GOING DOWN?
Inside news from the Telephone Organization of Thailand confirms that all intranational CELLPHONE and INTERNET links will be cut within no more than TWO HOURS.

I will try my best to keep you guys updated until the very end. Thank you for the kind words. In these times, it feels really good to know that there are people out there, on the other side of the globe, who care.

more update @ 0:25 : SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT
The second announcement has come out.

They demand that all military personnels in service do report to the nearest commander/supervisor and do not move without explicit permisson from the operation team.

Martial law is now in effect.

ISPs are beginning to drop their service one by one.

Surprisingly, the links for both AIS and DTAC (two largest mobile phone providers in Thailand) have been restored.

even more update @ 0:40 : THIRD ANNOUNCEMENTThey declare

The Constitution, in use since 1997, VOID
All representatives, the parliament and the constitution court, VOID
Privy councillors, working normally
All other courts, in operation under supervision of the coup operation team
Thailand is now a democratic country with no constitution.

Universities in Bangkok will shut down indefinitely until things clear up. Oh lawd.

The military is all over the Communication Authority of Thailand's building. It is INTERNALLY CONFIRMED to a degree that all mobile phone and Internet links will cease to operate within, I repeat, no more than 2 hours.

Stay tuned.

@ 1:10 : ONE TV CHANNEL BACK UP
Out of the blue, NationTTV is back, alive and kicking, airing live feed of various locations throughout Bangkok full of peacekeeping soldiers and policemen. Fully armed. With tanks.

No soul has been harmed, yet. The Prime Minister, however, will probably not give up easily. On the other hand, I will need to find a backup link soon.

@ 1:22 : FOURTH ANNOUNCEMENT
The coup leader has furtherly declared (now through a woman announcer--not that I'm a sexist or anything)

The coup operation team FULL CONTROL over jobs previously done by the Prime Minister as (previously) declared by the law
Deputy minister of various ministries FULL CONTROL over jobs previously done by the now-powerless ministers, UNLESS announced otherwise
I'm trying to gather together pictures from news sites in Thailand (famous for its narrowband international link) and mirror them under a reliable host. Might take a while. If I don't report back within an hour, it probably means my link has been severed.

Update: http://flickr.com/search/?s=rec&q=coup+thailand&m=text This should help you get the picture

another live tv feed up @ 2:14 : BRIEF UPDATE
The coup operation team has just broadcasted a short video clip of a recent report of the current situation. Looks extremely one-sided, but anyway...

The leader is now proceeding to report to His Majesty the King the status of this ongoing coup'd'etat. This is going to be another historic moment indeed.

On the other hand, there have been rumors.. turns to television ..nvm

@ 2:24 : FIRST AND SECOND "OFFICIAL" ANNOUNCEMENT
from the now government-in-control (thus the renumbering). I am going to make it brief since, unfortunately, I am very tired right now.

Basically, all high-level staffs from every ministry, including head of universities, are to report to the coup leader by tomorrow to be briefed about the new policies they are about to enforce.

Also, September 20, 2006 is now declared a holiday for banks and stock markets in order to facilitate the transition process.

On the other hand, there have been rumors that the U.S. President will soon announce his stance against this coup. We can only hope his interference won't worsen things.

overall status report @ 3:11
I'm going to sleep. Dead tired. Here is a brief summary of things.

It is the middle of the night here. Soldiers have taken over all important political outposts in Bangkok. Tanks and armed guards can be seen everywhere. Traffic is still allowed to flow, though few will doubt that this is probably one of the worst times to travel.

All television channels are currently broadcasting the same stuff over and over: patriotic videos dedicated to HMKing that were used in previous coups. (It should be noted that the King Himself has absolutely nothing to do with this). New announcements are made from time to time, generally replayed twice or thrice for each, in alternative with the announcement screen (white text on blue screen of coup). Cable TV is still down, disconnecting the majority of the citizens from most, if not all trustworthy news sources.

Cellphones and Internet are up by now. It is somewhat unlikely that they will be severed again.

The coup currently holds full control over the country's governmental power, notably the prime minister's and ministers'. The Constitution has been trashed. The whole country is effectively under the martial law. As if those aren't bad enough; the flood in the northern Thailand and terrorism in the southern haven't gotten any better at all. Universities are suspended indefinitely. Banks and stock markets will take a break tomorrow.

I hope to see you then.

She did not die of old age... she died before her time...

I went to the West Hollywood bookfair today. Otherwise an unspectacular event on all accounts, today's visit was quite extraordinary.

I did not know that I was empty, to be so full.

I went with Chris because he wanted to get the autograph of the creator of "Hellboy," who was scheduled to make an appearance. I packed my camera and $6. We browsed for a while, and I took many pictures, and Chris lined up with his comic book in hand. After Chris got the autograph he received a phonecall, so I decided to keep looking around on my own.

And that's when I saw it.

Across the lawn of the West Hollywood library sat a regular booth (quite small actually, about the size of a desk among booths big enough for demonstrations and artwork). At it sat a young woman, quietly writing while an older jewish lady sat waiting across from her. Curious, I got a little closer.

The handwritten sign on the booth said FREE PSYCHIC PET READINGS.

Hmmm, I thought... Cleo is so uncomfortable around the house, and she's been with us for a year... maybe I could give this a shot. It's free, right?

So I waited. The "pet psychic" was the young woman- the name on the table brochure read 'Karen Gonzales'- and the way she worked was she would ask some question and then start writing. Apparently whatever soul was speaking to her at the time would send it's message through pen in pad. The old lady (who had with her a picture of a very mangy, yet happy Golden Retreiver named Suzie) was taking a bit longer than expected, so my mind wandered.

I started to think, what if she could talk to dead pets too? Maybe I should ask her about Eclipse.

It was a throw away thought... something that I wouldn't have remembered if the old lady hadn't finished right when I thought it. And since it was still in my mind, I said it out loud as I sat down.

"Do you do dead pets or just the ones that are alive?"

Karen was charming. She had a sweet smile and a quiet nature about her. She shook my hand.

"We can try both, if you want."

I agreed (despite trepidation- there were people waiting behind me). Again she smiled and turned to a fresh new page on her notepad.

"What are their names?"

"Umm... Eclipse and Cleo"

"And are they doggies or kitties?"

*awkward pause*

"Ummm, well both are cats."

Again, smile. Turn of a page. And with that she started writing. I felt uncomfortable... the sun was on my back and I could feel drops of sweat crawl down my arm. God please, my kingdom for a breeze.

She only took about 5 minutes- no, less. And then she stopped, and looked up. And this is what she said:

"The first one we'll do is Eclipse. She says she wants you to know that she did not die of old age... she died before her time. I'm getting that it was not a sickness that killed her, more an accident. She had eaten something that was not good for her- I'm getting some sort of constriction in the throat. She had something stuck in there, and you tried to feed her but it wouldn't work. That's why she died. She said it wasn't your fault, and there's nothing you could have done. She says you blame yourself for it, but not to feel bad. Even though you couldn't always be around- you were very busy- the time she had with you was a good one. She said she was very happy with you, and you were very good to her."

By her second sentence I was sobbing. Eclipse died a year ago in August. I had come home to Texas for a week visit, and even though she was fine and happy on the first night the days following it she steadily took a turn for the worse. She would not eat, would not drink, and could hardly walk for her dwindling energy. I took her to the vet 3 times (spent my next month's rent on shots and the like) but the vet told me it was probably just her time: she was probably just dying of old age. Mommy didn't think so, because she remembered that my first night back Eclipse had hunted down and eaten a bird. I went to the vet one last time, but an x-ray would have cost as much as I had already spent, and I did not have that money. I tried force feeding her through a plastic needle, and did so for the last 2 days. The night before I left Eclipse had struggled up the stairs to my room and spent the night on my floor. I went back to LA the next morning, and Eclipse died a day later.

The psychic went on:

"Now Cleo is the cat you have now. Cleo feels you are restricting... you're very tense. It seems that all of the kindness and freedom you showed Eclipse is being held back somehow on Cleo. She says that after what happened to Eclipse you have not been so relaxed, almost like because of what happened you think you must prevent it from happening to Cleo by being more strict with her. She doesn't think you understand her, and she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around you. You played with Eclipse more, and you let her have more freedoms. I feel that if you let Cleo have a little more freedom, a little more space, in 3 weeks or so she'll be more comfortable around you."

I was shaken. Bumbling. I had gotten Cleo a month or so before Eclipse died. When I heard the news of her death I shunned Cleo. Cleo looks the spitting image of Eclipse in her youth, and I felt that by showing Cleo affection I would be replacing Eclipse's place and doing her a dishonor. So for another month or so I ignored her, only looking at her when I needed to feed her. I gradually got better, but I've still been restrained towards her.

I didn't want Eclipse to think I was replacing her.

So many things were running- no, racing- through my mind. Karen had used only a page of her notepad, but yet she had read me a novel. How could she know?! How did she... oh my god...

"Can I ask you something?" I say.

"Yes of course."

A slight breeze started to blow, and the sun gave me some room. "Are they happy?"

Karen's face lit up at this, and she took my hand. "Oh very much so!" She said, "Don't worry about that... I can tell you have a good understanding of animals- more than most. They are very happy. Very, very much."

And that was it. Trembling, I reach for a handshake. As she takes my hand I pull her in and give her a big hug... and she pats me on the back. I take her picture, and then I leave.

And of all the pictures I took today, that was the only one I uploaded for you to see. Everything just wasn't as interesting afterwards.



I can't put anything into words... I'm an idiot. But if you could only imagine how I felt at that moment, and how I feel now. Love is all around me. It's so thick- I can taste it. When we got home I went outside and sprawled in the front yard and felt the breeze tickle my hair. And I knew, I KNEW, that I wasn't alone.

And if you've ever lost anyone close, don't worry. You aren't either.


Karen Gonzales can be reached online, at karen@beyondthisworld.com or www.beyondthisworld.com. Or, if you wish to speak with her, call her: 818.882.4383