I did not know that I was empty, to be so full.
I went with Chris because he wanted to get the autograph of the creator of "Hellboy," who was scheduled to make an appearance. I packed my camera and $6. We browsed for a while, and I took many pictures, and Chris lined up with his comic book in hand. After Chris got the autograph he received a phonecall, so I decided to keep looking around on my own.
And that's when I saw it.
Across the lawn of the West Hollywood library sat a regular booth (quite small actually, about the size of a desk among booths big enough for demonstrations and artwork). At it sat a young woman, quietly writing while an older jewish lady sat waiting across from her. Curious, I got a little closer.
The handwritten sign on the booth said FREE PSYCHIC PET READINGS.
Hmmm, I thought... Cleo is so uncomfortable around the house, and she's been with us for a year... maybe I could give this a shot. It's free, right?
So I waited. The "pet psychic" was the young woman- the name on the table brochure read 'Karen Gonzales'- and the way she worked was she would ask some question and then start writing. Apparently whatever soul was speaking to her at the time would send it's message through pen in pad. The old lady (who had with her a picture of a very mangy, yet happy Golden Retreiver named Suzie) was taking a bit longer than expected, so my mind wandered.
I started to think, what if she could talk to dead pets too? Maybe I should ask her about Eclipse.
It was a throw away thought... something that I wouldn't have remembered if the old lady hadn't finished right when I thought it. And since it was still in my mind, I said it out loud as I sat down.
"Do you do dead pets or just the ones that are alive?"
Karen was charming. She had a sweet smile and a quiet nature about her. She shook my hand.
"We can try both, if you want."
I agreed (despite trepidation- there were people waiting behind me). Again she smiled and turned to a fresh new page on her notepad.
"What are their names?"
"Umm... Eclipse and Cleo"
"And are they doggies or kitties?"
*awkward pause*
"Ummm, well both are cats."
Again, smile. Turn of a page. And with that she started writing. I felt uncomfortable... the sun was on my back and I could feel drops of sweat crawl down my arm. God please, my kingdom for a breeze.
She only took about 5 minutes- no, less. And then she stopped, and looked up. And this is what she said:
"The first one we'll do is Eclipse. She says she wants you to know that she did not die of old age... she died before her time. I'm getting that it was not a sickness that killed her, more an accident. She had eaten something that was not good for her- I'm getting some sort of constriction in the throat. She had something stuck in there, and you tried to feed her but it wouldn't work. That's why she died. She said it wasn't your fault, and there's nothing you could have done. She says you blame yourself for it, but not to feel bad. Even though you couldn't always be around- you were very busy- the time she had with you was a good one. She said she was very happy with you, and you were very good to her."
By her second sentence I was sobbing. Eclipse died a year ago in August. I had come home to Texas for a week visit, and even though she was fine and happy on the first night the days following it she steadily took a turn for the worse. She would not eat, would not drink, and could hardly walk for her dwindling energy. I took her to the vet 3 times (spent my next month's rent on shots and the like) but the vet told me it was probably just her time: she was probably just dying of old age. Mommy didn't think so, because she remembered that my first night back Eclipse had hunted down and eaten a bird. I went to the vet one last time, but an x-ray would have cost as much as I had already spent, and I did not have that money. I tried force feeding her through a plastic needle, and did so for the last 2 days. The night before I left Eclipse had struggled up the stairs to my room and spent the night on my floor. I went back to LA the next morning, and Eclipse died a day later.
The psychic went on:
"Now Cleo is the cat you have now. Cleo feels you are restricting... you're very tense. It seems that all of the kindness and freedom you showed Eclipse is being held back somehow on Cleo. She says that after what happened to Eclipse you have not been so relaxed, almost like because of what happened you think you must prevent it from happening to Cleo by being more strict with her. She doesn't think you understand her, and she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around you. You played with Eclipse more, and you let her have more freedoms. I feel that if you let Cleo have a little more freedom, a little more space, in 3 weeks or so she'll be more comfortable around you."
I was shaken. Bumbling. I had gotten Cleo a month or so before Eclipse died. When I heard the news of her death I shunned Cleo. Cleo looks the spitting image of Eclipse in her youth, and I felt that by showing Cleo affection I would be replacing Eclipse's place and doing her a dishonor. So for another month or so I ignored her, only looking at her when I needed to feed her. I gradually got better, but I've still been restrained towards her.
I didn't want Eclipse to think I was replacing her.
So many things were running- no, racing- through my mind. Karen had used only a page of her notepad, but yet she had read me a novel. How could she know?! How did she... oh my god...
"Can I ask you something?" I say.
"Yes of course."
A slight breeze started to blow, and the sun gave me some room. "Are they happy?"
Karen's face lit up at this, and she took my hand. "Oh very much so!" She said, "Don't worry about that... I can tell you have a good understanding of animals- more than most. They are very happy. Very, very much."
And that was it. Trembling, I reach for a handshake. As she takes my hand I pull her in and give her a big hug... and she pats me on the back. I take her picture, and then I leave.
And of all the pictures I took today, that was the only one I uploaded for you to see. Everything just wasn't as interesting afterwards.
I can't put anything into words... I'm an idiot. But if you could only imagine how I felt at that moment, and how I feel now. Love is all around me. It's so thick- I can taste it. When we got home I went outside and sprawled in the front yard and felt the breeze tickle my hair. And I knew, I KNEW, that I wasn't alone.
And if you've ever lost anyone close, don't worry. You aren't either.
Karen Gonzales can be reached online, at karen@beyondthisworld.com or www.beyondthisworld.com. Or, if you wish to speak with her, call her: 818.882.4383
1 comment:
that's AMAZING!
she's amazing.
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