I'm a schmuck.

I get cuckold into everything. Buying this dvd will make you as beautiful as Carmen Electra with a tan in Malibu! "How much?" is my response. Get the new edition of this book and become a greater filmmaker than Steven Spielberg at the top of his game! "Give me a copy!" I reply. Time tested, again and again, I get rounded up with the other cattle and go- head up and happy- towards the slaughter.

So when a snazzy website designed to sell seminars of the albeit "most successful screenwriting teacher of our generation" yet never-had-a-professional-writing-credit-to-his-name Robert McKee, for the low cost of an arm, a leg, and next month's rent multiplied by 2, what do I say?

"Should I bring a notebook?"

*sigh*

I have little hope in myself after such things. I'm so eager for the quick relief of how-to books, and 1-2-3 step media that I totally overlook the obvious. Those who cannot do, teach.

Or in this case, sell themselves to the highest (dumbest) bidder.

I am a writer. I have not written anything that can be purchased at a store or online, but I still consider myself as such. Unfortunately I do not let the writer in me lead my life's decisions... I let the lazy, afraid person in me do it. The writer in me knows that to become successful I should write, and write a lot, every day with no excuses, threats, or attempted ignorance. The lazy person in me thinks that if I could just save up enough money to buy the perchance dvd, book, or seminar, all of my problems will be solved THAT DAY and destiny will fill in all the tight pieces in my pretty puzzle.

But not today! Awash with doubt, I did a little research on our Robert McKee. His name only reports 2 movies under his belt in IMDB. On amazon the only book he has penned is the book that started the said seminar: "Story," an INSTRUCTIONAL book. When I check back at his website (which blinded me into obediance in the first place with stories of brilliance and awards) I realize that all of those oscars and grammys he "won" were really won by students who "studied under him."

(Well, considering that his seminars are always sold out by corporate groups and that he has a part time job as professor of writing in USC, it is not hard to understand that some of his students have won awards. Every student at IFAC was required to take algebra in college, but they will never credit crazy Mr. Mahalek for the things they accomplish.)

It seems, my friends, that the new year has brought my brain a little intelligence. I've already spent $60,000 on a college education of people telling me "how to do things to sell my art," I do not need to spend another $700 to confirm all of it. Carmen Electra didn't use that dvd to get hot. Steven Spielberg didn't buy that book to become successful. The only supplement I need to do what I want in life is my own willingness to hold the responsibility of taking charge of it.

The cow has decided- shivering and alone, but alive and free- to stay in the pasture.