HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAMERON ADDISON BYRD!!!

Hazel and BK had another baby today!! YAY!!

(Mommy- does this mean I don't owe you any anymore?)

STATS
Sex: Female
Name: Cameron Addison Byrd
Weight: 8lbs and 13ounces
Height: 20inches

That's about all I know so far... as soon as I get pictures I'll put them up :) I'm going home in a week anyway, so maybe I'll just take my own!

Now that my heart is invested in 3 future adults, my devastation over the plight of the world has gone into overdrive. It doesn't help that we watched "Who Killed The Electric Car" today at the house.

Depressing. Really.

I cried. Louie- who had seen it already before- didn't, but he admitted to me that he was crying like a baby the first time he saw it. The futility is endless. On the way to work I almost decided to go on a Gandhi-esque media-heavy fast (of course- my overdramatic imagination made it into a "breaking world news" primetime event)... but that lead me to a heavier question.

What can we do?

It's time our generation started a revolution. Others before us have done it, why can't we? There are SO MANY THINGS going on that are SO WRONG... WE need to take control or nobody else will!

No, I didn't stay up watching 'V for Vendetta' all night. But I did just become an aunt 3 times over, and the welfare of the ones I love is worth it enough for me to care more than those who don't.

I'm busy this weekend with, ironicly, volunteer stuff (cleaning up a shelter for mistreated animals - yay! - and seeing if there are other homeless organizations in LA than those who say "Go to Skid Row") but once I'm done, I've got to figure this stuff out. I can't sit still until I know that there's something I (WE!) can do to help stop us from destroying ourselves.

interested? come with me!

On Christmas Day (Monday, December 25, 2006) VNA Meals on Wheels will deliver hot meals to 2,500 homebound seniors and disabled persons throughout Dallas County. A central meal distribution point (1440 W. Mockingbird Dallas, TX 75247) will be used for volunteers to pick up their pre-assigned delivery routes between 8:30am and 9:30am. Volunteers will be given a map, client list, two food coolers (hot and cold foods), and a holiday gift bag for each client on their route. Once the route is finished the empty coolers are returned to the meal distribution point by noon. This is a great family opportunity! For many of our clients you will be the only person they see on Christmas Day. Help us make the holiday bright!

I'm human too

Being Vegan doesn't change that fact... SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

&$%#*!!!

I'm tired of ignorance, people. I know I have to learn to live with it, but sometimes- like now- it's just a little too much to handle. (Especially since, technically speaking, my humanity should not be in question here. Aren't I even more humane then someone who eats living creatures?)

And I don't care if you're not. Really, I don't. That's why I don't bring up that fact during conversation (unlike you). That's why I don't critique your food, or your life, and judge you by the way you live it (unlike you). Really... I don't even give a shit what you do with yourself- why do you care so much about me?

And (and I hate to say this) if it still bothers you THAT MUCH that I don't eat meat, just think of as a gift to you. You can have more now, because I don't want my share.

HAPPY?! GET OVER YOURSELF!

There are much more important things going on in the world right now that you should be worried about. Like, for instance: Genocide. Pollution. Poverty. Destruction. You are of the top 2% of all society in our world. Look outside yours, and see what's really going on.

God. Really... (unmentioned) ignorant people made me break my blog-fast, I'm so mad!

*sigh*

While I'm at it, I might as well do some Random Thoughts:
- I miss my blog, but I love my life :)
- Shannon and Roberto had a baby boy! Yay!
- Is it too late to sign up for environmentalist/activist/underground resistance leader? Where do I line up for that job?
- Mad Hot Ballroom. Hot.
- I changed my mind on the Peace Corps, yes, but technically I still have a year to turn in my application. I'm still filling it out. So I still have a year to change my mind back. Maybe I'll give it a chance after all...
- Our new Christmas tree is up and pretty at the Filmmaker House. I dubbed him Zissou :)
- New Hero: Wes Anderson. I've always loved him, but for some reason I've gotten closer to him in the last few weeks. Coen Brothers and Noah Baumbach aren't far behind, but Wes makes me cry happy tears.
- I've lost more weight as a vegan than I ever did before. I only have about 10 pounds to go until I reach my "normal" weight!
- This year I've decided instead of Christmas presents I'm donating money to charities of peoples' choice. If you'd like me to do that for you this Christmas, let me know :)

Slight differences are no less different than big ones...

...and are usually much more noticeable.

I love my blog, more than I love myself. It gives me a freedom from myself yet, at the same time, brings me closer to me. Does that make any sense? I dunno. Unfortunately, despite it all, for reasons unexplained whenever big things happen in my life that are more worthy of being written about than most others, I stop writing.

And now, for a short while, it's gonna happen again.

I'm sorry guys, I can't explain... but hopefully I will write again very soon. So as not to leave you completely out in the proverbial cold:

Random Thoughts:
-The holidays get better every year.
-And colder.
-Happy Birthday Darryl, David & Bean! (The last of which, Mommy, explains a pricey sum on my bank account at the local bowling alley, as well as a Vegan resturant shortly thereafter)
-Also, while I'm at it- though my bank account reflects otherwise, I'm not going on a "eating out" rampage... I'm just paying back people who have paid for my meals before(since I have some extra dough).
-A clean room does wonders
-So does Mountain Dew (not in a good way)
-Foosball tournaments should be on the list of 'Things that can make people exhilarated and devastated at the same time'
-GO COWBOYS!
-Welcome back home Bran!
-RIP Rikka's brother(?)/uncle(?)/dad(?)... as well as the mother of the animal pyshic lady :(
-Shannon started a 2 week stay in the hospital on the day after Thanksgiving, so that the doctors can watch her and her (unborn)baby closely. Prayers for her, Roberto, and baby Bobby please!
-I would say prayers for Hazel, as well (who is due in the next few weeks), but SINCE SHE NEVER ANSWERS THE PHONE I can't tell you how it's going.
-Thanksgiving Day thanks: to the "supreme sky guy" who works overtime to make my veganism the easiest choice I ever made (go to www.certifiedhumane.com to see how I nixed my meat desires on Thanksgiving Day)
-Not to forget on Thanksgiving Day: you(Americans specifically) MUST look outside what America and it's government/big business-run news channels want you to see and open your eyes to what is actually happening. You have the internet. Use it.
-Lastly (because I hate to end this with a downer) I'm finally getting over the fact that I was born a girl. Who woulda thunk it?

Community responds to Taser use in Powell

see corresponding video footage below

An incident late Tuesday night in which a UCLA student was stunned at least four times with a Taser has left the UCLA community questioning whether the university police officers' use of force was an appropriate response to the situation.

Mostafa Tabatabainejad, a UCLA student, was repeatedly stunned with a Taser and then taken into custody when he did not exit the CLICC Lab in Powell Library in a timely manner. Community Service Officers had asked Tabatabainejad to leave after he failed to produce his BruinCard during a random check at around 11:30 p.m. Tuesday.

UCPD Assistant Chief of Police Jeff Young said the checks are a standard procedure in the library after 11 p.m.

"Because of the safety of the students we limit the use after 11 to just students, staff and faculty," Young said.

Young said the CSOs on duty in the library at the time went to get UCPD officers when Tabatabainejad did not immediately leave, and UCPD officers resorted to use of the Taser when Tabatabainejad did not do as he was told.

A six-minute video showed Tabatabainejad audibly screaming in pain as he was stunned several times with a Taser, each time for three to five seconds. He was told repeatedly to stand up and stop fighting, and was told that if he did not do so he would "get Tased again."

Tabatabainejad was also stunned with the Taser when he was already handcuffed, said Carlos Zaragoza, a third-year English and history student who witnessed the incident.

"(He was) no possible danger to any of the police," Zaragoza said. "(He was) getting shocked and Tasered as he was handcuffed."

But Young said at the time the police likely had no way of knowing whether the individual was armed or that he was a student.

As Tabatabainejad was being dragged through the room by two officers, he repeated in a strained scream, "I'm not fighting you" and "I said I would leave."

The officers used the "drive stun" setting in the Taser, which delivers a shock to a specific part of the body with the front of the Taser, Young said.

A Taser delivers volts of low-amperage energy to the body, causing a disruption of the body's electrical energy pulses and locking the muscles, according to a report by the American Civil Liberties Union.

"It's an electrical shock. ... It causes pain," Young said, adding that the drive stun would not likely demobilize a person or cause residual pain after the shock was administered. Young also said a Taser is less forceful than a baton, for example.

But according to a study published in the Lancet Medical Journal in 2001, a charge of three to five seconds can result in immobilization for five to 15 minutes, which would mean that Tabatabainejad could have been physically unable to stand when the officers demanded that he do so.

"It is a real mistake to treat a Taser as some benign thing that painlessly brings people under control," said Peter Eliasberg, managing attorney at the ACLU of Southern California.

"The Taser can be incredibly violent and result in death," Eliasberg said.

According to an ACLU report, 148 people in the United States and Canada have died as a result of the use of Tasers since 1999.

During the altercation between Tabatabainejad and the officers, bystanders can be heard in the video repeatedly asking the officers to stop and requesting their names and identification numbers. The video showed one officer responding to a student by threatening that the student would "get Tased too." At this point, the officer was still holding a Taser.

Such a threat of the use of force by a law enforcement officer in response to a request for a badge number is an "illegal assault," Eliasberg said.

"It is absolutely illegal to threaten anyone who asks for a badge â€" that's assault," he said.

Tabatabainejad was released from custody after being given a citation for obstruction/delay of a peace officer in the performance of duty.

Neither Tabatabainejad nor his family were giving interviews Wednesday.

Police officers said they determined the use of Tasers was necessary when Tabatabainejad did not do as they asked.

According to a UCPD press release, Tabatabainejad went limp and refused to exit as the officers attempted to escort him out. The release also stated Tabatabainejad "encouraged library patrons to join his resistance." At this point, the officers "deemed it necessary to use the Taser in a "drive stun' capacity."

"He wasn't cooperative; he wouldn't identify himself. He resisted the officers," Young said.

Neither the video footage nor eyewitness accounts of the events confirmed that Tabatabainejad encouraged resistance, and he repeatedly told the officers he was not fighting and would leave.

Tabatabainejad was walking with his backpack toward the door when he was approached by two UCPD officers, one of whom grabbed the student's arm. In response, Tabatabainejad yelled at the officers to "get off me." Following this demand, Tabatabainejad was stunned with a Taser.

UCPD and the UCLA administration would not comment on the specifics of the incident as it is still under investigation.

In a statement released Wednesday, Interim Chancellor Norman Abrams said investigators were reviewing the situation and the officers' actions.

"I can assure you that these reviews will be thorough, vigorous and fair," Abrams said.

The incident, which Zaragoza described as an example of "police brutality," left many students disturbed.

"I realize when looking at these kind of arrest tapes that they don't always show the full picture. ... But that six minutes that we can watch just seems like it's a ridiculous amount of force for someone being escorted because they forgot their BruinCard," said Ali Ghandour, a fourth-year anthropology student.

"It certainly makes you wonder if something as small as forgetting your BruinCard can eventually lead to getting Tased several times in front of the library," he added.

Edouard Tchertchian, a third-year mathematics student, said he was concerned that the student was not offered any other means of showing that he was a UCLA student.

Sadness

An Iranian UCLA student is handcuffed then tasered for refusing to show school ID in the library.



Where is the news on this?

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

despair

*sob*





Now I truely am alone.


:(

Life on Mars

Busy!

The last few days are a mash of mess in my memory... I can't decifer one from the other.

But I will try :)

Thursday
Come in early (10am) to shoot the E! Dr.90210 Christmas commercial. Italian producer Vivi came up with the idea and a bunch of us volunteered to come in and do it. OMG SO MUCH FUN! Studio B was set up pretty sparsely (white background, one main light and one fill light w/a boom). What I (and the others) had to do was step in front of the camera alone and say what we wanted for Christmas- plastic surgery-wise. I know, I know... the feminist/naturalist in me is dying slowly of torture for my intrepid acts, but the hollywood-hungry sellout in me is thrilled. Vivi gave us a list of things we could say, but also mentioned that we could make up things we thought were good.

Among the possible things to say on Vivi's list:
"I want botox on my temple"
"I want breast augmentation"
"I want a nose job"

Among the things ACTUALLY said during the shoot:
"I want implants on the small toe in my left foot"
"I want a round, perfectly shaped ass" (said with a VERY SERIOUS FACE by my big scottish bossman Stephen)
"I want anal bleaching, you know... to raise my confidence"

And, lastly, the things that I said:
"I want EVERYTHING"
"I want to augment my left buttock"
"I want to get rid of my 3rd nipple"

hehe :)

Also... my design for the Halloween Conference Room Bash helped the international department win 1st place among all of E!, and apparently some unexpected recognition. A promo producer came to my desk and asked if I could be the Art Director for a new commercial he was planning. The job? Create a miniature replica of the "Central Perk" from the tv show Friends for a hand puppet reinactment of the opening scene. Would I be interested?

Resounding: YES

Due Date: the following monday.

Panic. I stayed up until 5am wrestling with how I should do everything, and contemplating my design.

Friday
I came in early (again) to attend the screening party for the commercials. We all sat in Big Bonference Room 3A, ate snacks, and laughed hysterically at each person's turn. People would stop by the more we laughed... and soon there was a huge crowd. Awesome.

Had a small meeting with the commercial producer. He gave me relative creative freedom with only a few restrictions. An artist's dream!

Because of a technical error, worked until 4:30am. Bossman Bryan let me crash at his place, and then... bright and early at 10am on Saturday morning..

Saturday
.. came back to work to help with- of all things- ACCOUNTING. Bryan is the best boss ever- he bought us lunch for coming in. Finished at 3:30pm

4:30pm got home and straight from there started working on the set. I plopped down on the living room floor and made myself a permanent fixture to behold by all... Chris came in and joined me (he had a comic strip that was due with about the same amount of turnaround time) and we kept popping movie after movie into the dvd player to keep us company.

I collapsed and dragged myself to bed at 2am. I hadnt moved from the spot AT ALL.

Sunday
Woke up at 8am, showered, and resumed living room control. Again, Chris, movies, and work until about 3:30-4am. Again, never moving.

Monday
Deep, drowning despair. It's crunch time! Woke up at 9, worked until noon.... finally finished the main set pieces and the furniture. Then got ready for work and brought everything with me.

And the producer loved it!

And now I am working (til midnight, my usual shift) and then when I get home I need to do the finishing touches and be fresh and ready by 9am tomorrow, when we actually shoot the commercial.



All I want is to sleep.

...

And I'm starting to think that my choice to stay in LA was a good one. :)

Hometown Loving

I never really thought I would grow up and live in the U.S. I always wanted to live in a villa in Italy, a fort in Scotland, or a rice hut in Japan... some hermit-like abode near water and nature that screamed magical. I never thought anything in America could be old-world enough for me to like it. Now, though, I think I found a couple places that might suit me just fine.

#1 Shelter Cove http://www.sheltercove-lostcoast.com/
Located in northern California, this place boasts not just a magical name (the area it's in is called the "Lost Coast"), but a very sparse population and- the kicker- BLACK SAND BEACHES from which you can whale watch. It's mostly retirees and weird rich hippies living there, so it's perfect for me!

#2 Bakersfield, Vermont
While I was looking for the Photo of the Week I came upon a woman's photo page that blew my heart into bits. See for yourself: http://www.flickr.com/photos/63348497@N00/
She's from Bakersfield, and upon further inspection I found out that Bakersfield boasts a mere 1,000 + residency and (judging by her pictures) is CHALK FULL of magical natural things to enjoy. Although it's not near the beach, it is surrounded by rivers and streams. Heaven on earth, if you ask me.


Anywhoo... this is kind of out of the blue, but I didnt want to forget about these places so I figured what better way to remember than by putting them in blog form?

Desperately

run inside and lock the door
but still she follows me
knocking through the glee
please bother me no more

seeping past my skin i sit
and watch the silence fall
but still it's ever there
those memories to recall

and worst of all i know ive dropped the ball
i suddenly got lost inside the wall
i'm running from me
the little girl that i see
reflections of the dreams i'll never be

Desperately
she calls me through the glass
past fears i cant surpass
why cant she just go away?

Desperately
though each day is less perfect than last
with glimmers of broken dreams cast
she grabs for me desperately

lean against the wall
i feel the cold against my skin
i hear her crying call
shes trying to get in

cant she see that i will never
be a different way
expect a better me
she's reaching for yesterday

and worst of all it's me who has to pay
this pain i feel will never go away
all i can be
isnt coming from me
failure is all that's left for her to see

Desperately
she calls me through the glass
past fears i cant surpass
why cant she just go away?

Desperately
though each day is less perfect than last
with glimmers of broken dreams cast
she grabs for me desperately

$@*#&

WHAT IS WRONG WITH CALIFORNIA?!

honestly... Prop 87 is the best thing I could have ever seen happen to California. It was the most adamantly pushed Prop BY BOTH PARTIES on the west coast.

And what do we do?

We vote no.

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

Do people even know what "voting" means?! Do they even read the ballots?! COME ON! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Also, if you take a look, the STUPID PEOPLE are voting no on same sex marriage. BY A LANDSLIDE. Surprisingly, they are voting yes on legalizing abortion and are having a close-but-no-cigar race on legalized marijuana. It shocks me, really. I thought abortion & drugs were more taboo subjects than same sex marriage, but apparently the IGNORANT PRUDES OF AMERICA are MORE AFRAID of two happy people in love than killing innocent little ones (btw- I'm very pro choice) and supporting oversees druglords (I'm ok with MaryJ). But then again, I guess that's obvious what WITH THE WAR and all.

Whatever.

In other news, I've made my new years resolution 2 months early (drumroll please):

STICK TO A BUDGET

My debt is not gonna go away if I ignore it.

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!!!!... and "Veganism is The Matrix" by Summer Berdin

TAKE THAT B*TCHES!!!

DEMOCRATS RULE!

Finally, after YEARS of wondering WTF America was (not)thinking, FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY the smart people have reached the front of the line.

I am PROUD to be an American today!

F*CK YOU REPUBLICANS! F*CK YOU BUSH! F*CK YOUR WAR! F*CK YOUR POLLUTION-MAKING-CHILDREN-STARVING-PEOPLE-DYING-MONEY-HUNGRY A$$! GET OUT, AND STAY OUT!



*cough* except for Bran. Bran can stay *cough* and Pete's girlfriend *cough*

OTHER GOD-GIVEN GOOD NEWS:
- I went on a lunch date with Metallica Man today!
- Keith Ellison won the Minnesota vote! A Muslim in congress! Awesome!
- Kelly's back! With a new blog... a link will come up soon, but unfortunately I can't tell her because I'm not a member of friendster :(

Not so good news that STILL cannot bring down my freedom-happiness:
- Sallie Mae charged me TWICE for one of my loans on "accident". That's a $400 accident.
- People still are voting against gay marriage. Stupid hypocrites. Whatever happened to "all men are created equal" or "love thy neighbor"?
- Faith Hill = not so Grace Kelly anymore
- AND, MOST AWFULLY ASTOUNDING:

BEING A VEGAN IS LIKE ENTERING THE MATRIX.
by Summer "thinks shes better than everyone cuz shes vegan" Berdin

First, you have to choose a pill. The red pill: Acute Awareness, embodied by realization through anything from a happy little video named "Meet Your Meat" to a little girl crying about her dead pet pig. The blue pill: Beautiful Oblivion, a constant state of acceptance for something that you do not know because your brain does not acknowledge it's existence. If you choose the red one, you can never go back.

But that doesn't mean you wont want to.

The character 'Cypher' in The Matrix is a little like me. Although he betrayed his friends and ultimately caused their lives- and that, I hope, is not what makes us similar- you have to agree that of all the people in the Matrix universe, his character is the most human. Neo and Trinity, with their beautiful stoic expressions and ultra-cool black goth wardrobe, are too elevated and too... how you say?... PURE for us. They can do no wrong. They are the ultimate good destroying the ultimate evil, and without so much as a trip do they veer from the path they behold. Because of that ONE fact I cannot connect with them. They are Superhuman. I am not. And neither is Cypher.

Veganism, above all things, adheres to the Red Pill Policy (RPP). Once you take the red pill, your life will change forever. You will know things you have never known, through which your world and the people around you will change and look different. This heightened sense of reality is ultimately good for you, and you cannot help but acknowledge that fact, but because of this heightened sense you cannot forget the life you led before.

Cypher has a good quote about the RPP:

"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss"

I hear you Cypher. I miss meat. I have since Tuesday morning, 2 weeks ago. I miss it daily, dearly, and with drive. I miss the smell of it as it's cooking, and the taste of it on my tongue. Most of all, I miss licking the mess of it off of my fingertips.

But at the same time, I cannot stand in front of meat and NOT remember my red pill. I can't NOT remember what I have learned since I took it 5 months ago. And I can't eat, because I know that no matter how much I might enjoy that bite I will always remember what was done to give it to me.

And I am torn.

I don't want to leave the Matrix. I don't want to be a drone hooked up to a machine. But life inside is hard, and my stomach aches for something more.

"It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied."

"She's a Maneater"

"The female equivalent to the more male-associated words like pimp or player. An irresistable woman who chews and spits out men after using them for some sort of gain -- be it sexual, financial or psychological." - www.urbandictionary.com

WHAT?! How DARE you call me that?! YOU, of all people! YOU STARTED IT ALL. 2 weeks ago I was content and fine, and you had to go ruin it! What I do I do only because it was done to me, and so far no one has objected.

Except for you. How DARE you.


*&$%#@


Whatever.

More spending. Music, movies, clothes... you name it I buy it. But I think I'm over it now... i went to Forever 21 and didn't buy ANYTHING yesterday. (There's hope in me yet!)

*sigh*

It's been a rough 2 weeks for my wallet. My goal for next week is to not spend any money at all. It's hard though... I haven't been NOT overweight in so long that seeing things fit me and look good at the same time is enough to make me swear my life to it. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me tonight.

Random Thoughts:
-Bryan's 30th birthday party at the Bungalow Club was cool. Me, James & Jason carpooled since we were stuck at work until 10:30... but it's good I didn't drive because I wouldn't have been capable of it later on in the night. Kudos James, for thinking ahead. :)
-In the last 2 weeks parties, celebrations, and a holiday have past- AND I DIDNT BRING MY CAMERA TO ANY!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!
-This thursday E! is filming a series of commercials for their show Dr. 90210, and I will be in them! I'll try to see if I can post them on here when they're done.
-Grace Rocks
-So does her apartment
-I can't stop grooving to my Pat Benatar cd. I bought Justin Timberlake's new one, the Gorillaz semi-new one, and a compilation of Nat King Cole's greatest hits, but yet the only one I've listened to so far is Pat Benatar. I dunno... she just fits my mood I guess.
-Pumpkin carving pictures will be up on my next blog, I promise. I'm busy, remember? I'm a maneater.

Here I go again on my own [Whitesnake]

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Our Photo of the Week was an amateur who beat out 2 VERY BEAUTIFUL professional pics, one of a child on the beach in her mum's hoddie, the other of an exquisite Salt Lake Valley town in the shadow of a snowy summit. Yes folks, it was a hard race, but our winner is worth every single excruiciating moment of indecision I had to go through to find her.

And now, an unveiling:

"Life is Beautiful!" by Chuchogm [flickr]

If to her share some female errors fall, Look on her face, and you'll forget them all.

She's gorgeous, isn't she?

With a smile like that, she would never be affected by THIS: (excuse the link. stupid windows...)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20010701-000023&print=1

Wow. Seriously... wow. How true. And not just for men. I find myself doing it everyday.

Speaking of which: I know I tend to exaggerate things (please God, don't let Bryan read this entry) and a prime example was when I became infatuated with (a total of) 5 guys this week. But, world, I FOUND HIM. The one for me. The man of my dreams. And get this: he is so not my style AT ALL. He is deeply into Heavy Metal, extremely shy, very gentlemanly and polite, and -gasp- in ACCOUNTING. And he's ASIAN. WTF?! Since when have I ever been interested in asian men?!

But he's a god. He's 23. He's beautiful. And he sits just 7 cubicles away from me.

Woe to those who know Thai at E!,
or any girl who can quote Metallica better than Me!

What a whirly, windy week. And cold! The valley slumbers, and I shiver... and OH NO! E! News Weekend is not processing correctly! I must vamoose!

Bulb Replaced. Start from the top...

Hemingway once wrote a story in just six words ("For sale: baby shoes, never worn.") and is said to have called it his best work. Wired.com heard and had other people try, writers and artists from all over the globe, and compiled a list.

Take a look.

The title for this blog is my first. It's a riddle, too... do you know what it means?

"Maybe I finally found it, way down here in the mud. Maybe from down here I can start up again, be something I can be proud of, without having to fake it, be a fake human being." -Platoon

The meaning of (my) life

I've thought it over since my last post. I was really stressed, so I started cleaning my room (has it come to that?!) when I found my peace corp book:



I finished reading it a couple weeks ago... it's pretty good. Kris Holloway (the peace corp volunteer who wrote it) is not a professed writer but she does a good job in telling her story. It's about how Monique (pictured), the only midwife in a small village in the African country of Mali, saved and changed the lives of hundreds of Malian women.

And while I looked at the book in my obsessive drudgery, the lights turned on.

I know why I am alive! I was put on this earth to make a difference.

Now, this might sound a bit crazy (or- OMG!- corny) but let me explain... All my life I have been pulled by this hunger to reach out and touch people. I have written stories since the day I was born, and when I started growing some intellect I also put as much effort in trying to help those in need of it. I was on the newspaper at the same time that I was a physical trainer. I wrote novels with Brandi and drove with Chau to give dinners to the homeless. While in film school I was the vice president of the SGA, and wrote on an underground student paper created for the sole purpose of taking down the corrupt administration. In stages, I have wanted to join the army, the red cross, and now the peace corps. I struggle with myself to figure out which I want most- to help the world or to write about it.

BUT THATS WHEN IT ALL BECAME CLEAR! Filmmakers and writers make a difference too! Boo to you who think that filmmaking is all about the pretty lights and explosions, or that books are for teachers or mothers with nothing to do. A prime example of how the art of storytelling can change lives is through studying Oliver Stone, who in his need to tell of his experience in Vietnam has affected the lives of the millions of people who viewed his tale. Veterans who were alienated from their friends and family could finally feel that someone understood, and also used the chance to try and get their loved ones to see how it was when no other form of communicating about it worked. And young ones like me, who have ever experienced anything and would never have a clue about the effects of war on the people involved, can learn as well, and grow from it.

!!!!

I'm happy again. Not completely- this doesn't clear up my issue of what I need to do with the next few years of my life- but at least now I have a map to hold on to when I question the way. I know what my ultimate purpose is. Whether I'm meant to find it through obscurity or through fame I don't know, I admit I hope for the latter, but at least the fog has cleared, and I can see the road.

first i find out that i'm addicted, then i realize that my life is sh*t

I just saw Platoon.



God... have you guys seen that movie?! I know I'm a little late in the game, but still! Jesus!

How can you watch something like that and then go about your life normally without feeling completely irrelevant and useless?!

ARGH!

First off, let me explain my heading for today. Earlier in the evening I found out that I was an addict. Chris, Sophia, and I had just come from the El Capitan theatre (they screened Nigthmare Before Christmas in 3-D and WE HAD to go see it), and Sophia suggested we stop by Hot Topic so she could invest in some "Halloween costume comparison shopping". We went, and waited, and while we were there I bought some fake Sugar Shoes.

Anyone in LA will tell you that for the last 4 months I have been desperately wanting a pair of Sugar Shoes. Specifically? The Smokin Cat or Hook Up Cat brands... any and all colors, if possible. So you can imagine my euphoria when I finally got the chance to own a fake(cheap) pair of my own, a snazzy set with black and white stripes and a blue star on the corner.



I loved them. I loved everything about them- the idea of them, the fact that I owned them, and the mere presence of them in my closet. So much so, that I started to become hungry for the chance to accessorize them with matching clothes.

And that's when it happened. I went shopping.
And spent $100 on CLOTHES.

I don't know how. I don't remember a thing. All I can recall is my walking into the store, and then I have blank spots in my memory until I found myself back home, tired, hungry, and somewhat lighter in my (new)purse.

Astounded I was- yes, my friends, this tomboy had suddenly relinquished her dark side on the world- and even more was my shock when I realized that I was still ansy for more. I HAD to shop again, and tonight. I was addicted, and the one and only thing that could stop me from self destruction was immediately the first comfort I ran towards:

I watched a movie.

My heart and soul. My warmth on a cold morning. The thing that drives me, that brings the life into my flesh. My movies.

If there was ever a picture of pure happiness in the encyclopedia that is Summer, you would see a combination of 5 things. Family, Friends, Cats, Books, and Movies. And in those moments in life when I find myself at my worst, I throw my all into one of those in a last ditch effort to save myself.

And so I saw Platoon. I saw the realism of hate, war, fear & pain. I saw what countless people have gone through since the beginning of time, and what they are undoubtedly going through right now as we speak. Most importantly: I saw my own ignorance towards it all and the contemptuous bubble I live in.

And I realized that my life is sh*t.

And now I don't know what to do.

Feed the birds

Photo of the Week: "Annie" by vgmayes [Flickr]



"All around the cathedral the saints and apostles
Look down as she sells her wares
Although you can't see it,
You know they are smiling
Each time someone shows that he cares"
- Mary Poppins

Everyone on the internet is a big, fat liar

It's true.

Since the day I decided to join the Peace Corps I have been scared shitless. Undecided. Aggitated. Unsure. I have had fear so strong that my whole day is spent listlessly on my bed while my mind does sprints around me deciding which direction to lead my life.

I have also had my good days, GREAT days, where my mind is clear and my heart is happy and the angels sing in the sky. These days are stronger and more frequent than the aforementioned ones- and they steer me along and I am glad for it- but I don't ever want anyone to think I am blind to my fear.

I have fear. It lives with me. I wake with it, eat with it, and slowly become more comfortable with it. It does not go away, but I do not ignore it. Therefore (and most importantly):

IT DOES NOT GET STRONGER.

I have been steadily collecting bookmarks and links online of favorite blogs from Peace Corps volunteers (present and past), as well as a bigger library of books and videos I rent and read, and articles I study, to add to my knowledge of the PC experience. So far it's been great homework- the community soup we call the 'internet' is endless and my growing hunger never wants- and happily there has been a great unbalance between the people who loved the Peace Corps and the people who hated it (heavy on the first option). But one thing irks me.

No one mentions their fears.

Come on guys- we're all human here! So we like to embellish a little... it's the internet, after all, and we can if we want. But don't tell me NO ONE was a little afraid, a little hesitant... was NO ONE unsure of signing their life away for TWO WHOLE YEARS? Did NO ONE have something else they could be doing, someone else they could be spending that time with?

Is no one else afraid?

*sigh*

I have been searching the ends of cyberspace looking for someone who admits to their fear, and who eventually conquers it. Endlessly, and vainly. Well, NO MORE. THIS STOPS RIGHT HERE.

I stand before you, naked. Hello World, I am Summer, and I am afraid. And I am proud of it. So don't worry, my fellow PC padawans... if you happened upon my blog looking for someone who feels a little like you, look no more. You're in the right place, and you're not alone.

We will get through this together.

I've changed my mind

I no longer want to join the Peace Corps.

I want to pack my bags, rent an unconventional house made of glass sitting atop a lake on stilts and fall in love with a man who I send letters to who is living his life 2 years before my time.

Oh, and I want to be perky and sweet and cutely distraught about the whole situation, Sandra Bullock-esque.

Keanu Reeves must be sent by Pan. I know this because he was put on this earth to make me fall in love with him over and over and over again, only to be taken away after 2 hours time. Pan seems to have the reputation of teasing people with their dreams, and within Keanu Reeves he has found the perfect tool to tease mine.

Not that Keanu Reeves is a dream of mine, but he tends to find characters (Jack Travern in 'Speed', and now Alex Wyler in 'The Lake House') that are SO PERFECT AND DREAMY AND CONSIDERATE AND ROMANTIC AND WHO PINE FOR THEIR IMPOSSIBLE LOVE/GOAL WITH A LOOK OF PURE INNOCENCE AND FRAILTY THAT (despite the acting) I TEND TO FALL COMPLETELY IN LOVE THEM WITH EACH TIME.

So there. Forget the Peace Corps. Forget filmmaking, writing, and whatever else I want to do. I will go, get a perky haircut, a cute disposition, and find some lake house/speeding bus to live my life in, until my own Mr. Reeves decides he wants to join the story, and shows up.




Oh, and while we're on the subject of Korean films ("Il Mare" anyone?) let me just say one thing:

Chan-wook Park is one of the greatest storytellers of our generation, and he has yet to dissappoint. I saw 'Lady Vengeance' yesterday (I KNOW! How can I own 'Oldboy' and not see the first and third movies of the trilogy?!) and I didn't think it possible but I like it more than I like 'Oldboy'. I must rectify my ignorance at once and finally see 'Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance'. Backward, maybe, but there is no connection between the 3 so at least I'm saved from any confusion storywise. I plan to buy the other two as soon as my budget deems it possible. I admit, I'm moronic for not buying the 3 together originally. I know! But I am only human! STOP JUDGING ME!

I've had my say. Now leave me alone so I can pack... I have a lake house to prepare for.