My fish disappeared today. I walked into the office and he just wasn't in the bowl.

RIP: Archie the brave and beautiful Siamese Fighting Betta

I had a LONG day... all in preparation for tomorrow. Nothing but calls, screen actors guild, hotels, locations, equipment rental houses, insurance forms, filming permits... everything and anything you can think of that has to do with film and more. I swear the people at Global Entertainment Insurance and the Mayor's Office of Film & Entertainment are my best friends now. I have their numbers on speed dial. Oh- and don't even mention the hassle I was getting from the Miami-Dade police department... can you imagine it takes $40 an HOUR to hire an off-duty policeman? I told Cindy at the Mayor's Office that I don't care if she calls the permit cops on me... we are NOT about to pay for THAT. No WAY. I'd rather film our whole movie guerilla-style than pay for that crap- the police do nothing but sit in their cars and eat all of MY SET FOOD. Bastards. I dont need them- I didn't haggle a good deal on filming insurance for nothing!

Misc. Note: U-haul is now permanently on my uncool list.

Principal Photography starts its long 13-day run tomorrow. My schedule is pretty killer too: 7am go to U-haul, 7:30am go the CineVideoTech, 9 am go to work at Forti/Layne until 6pm, 6pm go to set for first shoot location, stay on location until 6 am, 6am deliver U-haul to next location, 7am prepare for the next day.

If I didn't love it so much I'd think the film lifestyle was for Crazies. Long days, little pay, great risks, no benefits, luck-of-the-draw pay-offs, unrecognized accomplishments, bigheaded actors, creative blockaids...on second thought maybe it IS, and maybe I'm just one of them!

The more I take work off my plate the more work gets put back on.

I spent the whole day yesterday coordinating with the city managers/owners of Di Napoli, KFC, and Friday's for the catering schedule. Luckily everyone was pretty cyked about helping out an independent and they gave us very much needed discounts. I also haggled a swanky hotel on the beach to give me a discount on hotel rooms so that our star actor- our one and only SAG member who comes with union rules and policies like housing and such- and his mother can live comfortably in Miami for the duration of principal photography. Go Summer! AND Katharine Sonoja at the City of Miami-Dade film commission gave me a break on my city street permits so that I wouldn't have to turn them in until Monday morning. Awesome! And I got the moola to go prop/costume/and craftservices shopping (which I immediately divided between myself, my production designer, and my costume director). Progress rules!

But then I get news from U-haul that says they cannot rent us a truck for 2 weeks time- that they only rent trucks out for a day. This is the same U-haul we used for A WEEK durig thesis. And Pete and Andy tell me that they might make some changes to the script that will affect the shooting schedule (4 days before we shoot). And the principal from Chris Columbus High School (a main shooting location) tells us he won't know if we can film at the school until Monday (2 days before we are scheduled to film there).

Then I find out that Erick spent ALL of the budget for equipment on CVT and left me with no money for Trade Audio or Illucide Production's sound and walkie equipment. And that MIU won't have their green screen room available next week after they promised us we could have it. And that it costs $23 an hour to rent policemen to block off city streets and Pete and Andy want to block off 2 more than we had originally planned for.

And all the while I'm getting pressure from home about Hazel's wedding, fittings for the bridesmaid dress, will I be flying in?, what day will I be flying?, don't forget the slide show presentation, we need money for the bridal shower/bachelorette party, you have late fees/overdrawn bills for you credit cards, rent is due!

And- to top it all off- the light bulb on the ONE LAMP that lights MY WHOLE LIVING ROOM burned out and I have to get specialty halogen bulbs found in only one location in Miami to replace it.

Geezum Crow. It's only January! I can't wait to see what the rest of 2005 is gonna look like!

Principal photography starts in exactly one week. I work full-time at Forti/Layne 8-10 hours a day, then come home and prepare for the movie.

Left to do:
-book ALL locations, find 3
-schedule around missing actors
-2 rehearsals
-call city of Miami film comission
-reserve 3 policemen
-collect mob for final scenes
-make ALL props... including life-sized baroque confessional
-buy craftservices
-book catering
-distribute money
-talk to vendors, equipment places
-reserve U-haul
-reserve hotel rooms

Filmmakers are people who love to mutilate their souls.

I bought the company fish (Archie- a Siamese fighting Beta that's a rich blue with blazing red stripes on his tail) a new tank yesterday. When I brought it in this morning and put him in it he was so excited- it was the cutest thing! He swam around real fast for about 30 minutes, then had to sit and rest for 2 minutes, then swam around again.

You really should have seen his old one- about as big as a coffee cup and just as uncomfortable looking. All he had to do was turn around and he'd be on the other side.

The new one is quite a bachelor pad. I got him this 2 gallon hamster/fish cage with black rocks and a broken pirate ship and treasure chest with holes in them. Oh- and little weeds that move around in the water when he swims.

PIMP!

I used to think that I wouldn't like having a fish as a pet because it isn't something you could actually PET. You know- like a cat or something. But when my boss left to film a novella in Texas for a month and left me in charge of him... well- the rest is history :)

It's nice to be having a tough time at work and looking over to see a friend. Archie makes my day. I bought him the new house to show him that. I hope he knows.

Three years ago- about 4 months after I had turned 18 and 3 months after my life changed drastically and I moved away from everybody I knew to start a life in Miami- I had a small breakdown. I was sitting in the cobbled open-air hallway on the first floor of my dorm building fulfilling my noble workstudy duties when I got a call from someone I didn't know.

The call was to tell me that one of my close friends had just been in a savage car wreck and might not live through the night.

I became hysterical. I'm not the type to cry so the sobbing that came from my lips grew louder the more uncomfortable I felt about what I was doing. I was feeling a hurt that was alien to my world, something that had sprouted in the last 3 months from a mix of loneliness, fear, dread, and sorrow. I wept openly, not caring who saw me and not turning away.

And I met some of my best friends that night.

Gus and Tra- two of the most eclectic people in history- who sat and sang to me until I cried hiccups instead of tears.
David S- who waited patiently by my side and convinced the wicked dorm mother that I was too ill to work.
Walker- my dear southern punk belle- who carried me upstairs with her everlasting cigarette in her hand and tucked me into the folds of her blanket.
Michelle- who I had never known to be girly- who brought over a bag of nailpolish and did my nails and fussed over my appearance.
and last but never least:
Peter Bean- my favorite director- who came over (having only met me once before), even though he was supposed to be bowling, and let me do his nails until I was laughing again.

I had forgotten about that. Can you imagine? I was sitting in front of Peter tonight discussing SAG and insurance and shooting schedules thinking "god he's so difficult to work with" when the memory hit me. This man in front of me had seen me at my worst (a position not even my closests friends had ever seen me in) and had given me love, I was complaining. I should feel HONORED to be his friend.

Long work nights and sleepless days may be a strain on my mind but from now on I'll try my damndest to not let it be a strain on my heart.

To all of my friends and loved ones who I haven't spoken to in days, months, or even years- I still think about you (more often than you know)- and I thank God that I have been blessed enough to call you mine.

I was touched by stars twice last night.

The first time happened when I was watching the LIVE TSUNAMI AID concert. It had just begun and they had already shown Madonna, Maroon 5, 30-odd celebrities answering phone calls with Jay Leno heading the line, and pictures and accounts of people who survived (or didn't) the tsunamis, when Norah Jones came up.

She is so beautiful. Her voice is probably the most beautiful voice in the world. What could I do? I had a real life siren in front of me- I had to call. So I did. And guess who answered?

"Hello this is BRAD PITT, how can I help you today?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*gasp* AAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAA!!!!!!

Geezus. I gave him $50 because somehow some of my brain was still working. If it hadn't have been I would have given him everything I owned. He has an amazingly sexy telephone voice by the way... really something he could brag about if he wasn't already ADORED BY THE WHOLE WORLD. And I spoke to him! Personally! The guy from Fight Club, Snatch, Interview... and I talked to him!

I told my director Pete about that and he asked me why I didn't tell Mr. Pitt about the independent project we were doing and see if he could donate.

Ha Ha Pete.

I wanted to call back and try to get Quentin Tarantino but Mommy advised against me giving them everything for a second chance.

Anyway... the second star that touched me was none other than the greatest one of them all: Katharine Hepburn. Through Cate Blanchett, but it was still Katharine Hepburn none the less. Oh yes my friends- me and Darryl went and saw The Aviator.

It is a great movie. The CG is awesome, the acting impeccable (by Leo in his second Oscar nod since Gilbert Grape), and the story extremely coherent compared to how it COULD have been done considering Howard Hugh's amazingly versitile life adventures. 4 stars my friends.

And Cate playing Kate. What heaven. She is up for a Best Supporting on this and she damn well better get it too. This was no impersonation (how could it be when she didn't LOOK like Kate at all?). This was a spiritual embodiment. Every move, gesture, flick of the lip, and stride WAS Katharine Hepburn. Her vowels were 1st rate, and the two combined.... the moment she stepped on I was in tears, laughing, and almost peeing in my pants.

I did get mad at a Kate moment though. The screenwriters should be ASHAMED!!!! CHEAP SHOT!!! VERY CHEAP SHOT!!! (Probably to get better emotional gratification for the audience in a scene that DIDN'T NEED IT!!) You know the one- Kate is helping Howard fix a broken foot when she mentioned "When my brother killed himself."

I wanted my money back.

Obsessed Fan Ravings Commencing in:
5
4
3
2
....

Katharine Hepburn NEVER EVER at ANY TIME admitted that her brother killed himself. It was below her and below her family to do such a thing. Until her DYING DAY she said that it was an accident, a game that went wrong, a stunt that didn't work. Even to SPENCER TRACY HIMSELF did she NEVER admit what had really happened. SHAME!!!! SHAME ON YOU SCORSESE AND DICAPRIO FOR WANTING A CHEAP BUCK!!!!!!!!! SHAME ON YOUR HEADS!!!!!

But then she did something that WAS very Hepburn and I pushed the molting anger to the back of my head and decided that if Kate blessed this picture enough to let Cate protray her so beautifully, then she must understand hollywood's disgustingly unsensitive GREED and let it pass. So if she can do it, so can I.

I miss you Katharine Hepburn.

No Sleep = Verry Creative!

I haven't slept in like a week. Saturday was full of production work (on both ends of my professional spectrum- independent AND full time job) and Sunday was no better. I hardly had enough time to take a shower... and sure as hell had no time to wash my laundry (which, by the way, really REALLY needs some attention). Then Monday comes along and sleep decides to go on vacation.

We shot the poker show on Monday. Geezus.

Get up 6am. Pack my car with the craft services I bought Sunday (on last minute notice for 70-odd people), and get to set by 7am. Stay on set until 9am when I have to go back to the office to do some work in preparation for set that night. WORK MY A** OFF until around 3pm when I finally get called to go back on set.

Set is chaos. Not only is this the first time we've done this particular show (we're filming the pilot episode), but because of faulty management we only had today to prepare for it. So any misc. work... um, like EVERYTHING... gets stuck on the supporting players. That means me. Run around. Get the LP's working. What's wrong with the mic cube? What happened to the talent? Print out 20 copies of-, and 40 of-, and hand them out to -,-, and -. No more ice! Kev's in the production truck! HFBOUEFHOFJFJFNOIEJFDHFOHFIJFPIJE! NOW!!!

Around 1am (when we are supposed to be wrapping up) I step on a nail. A big A** nail. One big enough to go through the sneakers I have on and pinch pretty hard.

1:45am- we have no more tape stock! Go back to the office and get more!

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh.... and have we got a story THERE. Geezus. Guess what happens to me when I go back to the office to get tape stock? I run in, grab everything betaSP I can find, run back down, drop half of everything I am carrying, run to my car, grab for my keys,

and realize that my keys are sitting in front of me inside my car.





AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



so long story short somehow I get a PA to come pick me up and bring me back to set. The crew didn't have to wait too long, but we still didn't wrap until 3am. When I get home me and Darryl tear apart my apartment looking for my keys because I have to be back on set in 5 hours to deliver the food in the trunk of my car. Can't find my spare keys. Realize that they are in my glove comF*&&#T*partment, and wait until 5am for a locksmith to come drive me to work to unlock my car.

Locksmith wedges his supplies through my window and DROPS the main tool he uses to jack open my car INTO my car.

&*$%#

Finally get my car back and open at 7am. Go home to sleep for an hour. Get up and go to work.

Kids- that was just Monday. My whole week has been like this. I've probably had about 7 hours of sleep since Sunday, most of them having been on Sunday night.

But the cool thing about it is that somehow my mind has gone mad with ideas. You see- as well as starting this blog I bought a bunch of little note pads to put in misc places like my purse and bedside table to jot down any interesting story ideas I had. And BOY have these ideas been coming out! I filled up one I had and am halfway through the second. AWESOME. Lesson #1 for my week: Sleep deprivation is good for the creative soul!

Lesson #2 for my week: It is not good for anything else.

The Queen of Procrastination Strikes Again!

I have done absolutely nothing today. Nothing. N-a-d-a. And I have so much to catch up on, too. I have to call EVERYONE on my crew about call times AND do some research on workers comp for cast rehearsals tomorrow. Stupid me... now I have to set my alarm clock to 8am on a SATURDAY so that I can do what I didn't do today.

I did cook some though. Awesome. I'm becoming a wiz in the kitchen. I made some salmon and a chicken ceasar salad wrap (like the ones you can get at Subway) and I didn't throw up or anything. Darryl thought it was pretty good too- double stars! This whole week I've been cooking like no tomorrow, and strangely the weird upset stomach I normally feel after my regular fast-food meal doesn't happen anymore.

*sarcasm* Hmmm... I wonder what that means?

So it seems my unfortunate haircut is a hit. My coworkers love it, my friends adore it, Darryl has given me good reviews, and strangely- for Miami- people on the street have even told me that I was *gasp* pretty. Weird. The bangs that I've hated for the last few days are actually coming in handy. Who wouldv'e ever thought that?

I gave Darryl a lecture about his style in clothing today. Okay- What the HELL? Me, the sweat pants and sweat shirt GODDESS, giving someone advice in clothing? The sky is falling! And get this- I was so convincing that he actually is bringing me to the mall tomorrow so that I can help him shop.

god PMS does weird things to a gal.

Jeezum Crow!

*sob*

It's about to be 7pm and I'm still at work. Been here since 9am. Needed to be at a mock shoot since 6pm. What's a girl gotta do?

I drew a picture of Lucy Van Pelt (Peanuts, Duh!) on my little bored with a thought bubble of nothing but chicken scratch. Kind of a representation of how I'm feeling. I would have drawn Linus but Linus seems a little too peaceful for situations like this. When I'm real frustrated Lucy seems to do the job.

Norah Jones rocks! For Christmas I was hoping someone would cop out and get me her new DVD but I guess people forget that I like her.

No worries. She sings me to sleep when Darryl's not here. Good enough for me!

Speaking of which- I found out that my obsession over him isn't stupid girly stuff. It's actually something that comes from a little foundation. I called him today (with a calling card, Mommy) and we actually flirted on the phone. How exhilarating! It's been so long since I've flirted with someone! Well, besides the elevator candy physical trainer that lives a floor above me... but that's a different story. :)

Ugh. Work today was a bullet to the brain. Get in at 9:45am and JAM PACKED with projects until 3pm. Have lunch while answering 30 phone calls for 10 minutes, and then packed again until 8pm. You remember all that work me and Arzu did for the MTV shoot? The one with all of the top notch crew guys that we had to move around? Well- after moving them around TWICE more- MTV gives us a call and tells us "Nevermind. We'll just use our own guys."

Can you F*&$#in imagine! 2 weeks of hard work down the camode! And yes- camode.... MTV doesn't deserve something as clean as a drain. Stupid ca ca face MTV.

And as for the Brazilian project- whoa. Is THAT one head trip. Poor Val, I think she thinks I hate her. She's the one who has to buffer the calls from the Brazilians and turn them into commands for me. Throughout my journeys today I found out that Terlingua, TX (right on the SW state line) has exactly 2 gas stations, 1 deputy, and is 35 minutes away from anything resembling a grocery store.

Convenient little production area, let me tell ya! If there was ever a problem and a crew member got sick, guess where the closest hospital is? Yep- a short 30 minute helicopter ride to El Paso up north (which is gonna cost a pretty penny).

Nice Brazilians try to pinch their wallet in a field where expenses aren't without justification.

Anyway... I got out of work so late I didn't have time to call up MY OWN crew for MY OWN production (the indy film). I only had enough time to negotiate a small deal with SAG (screen actors guild) to let us have our main actor for free. We start filming Feb 1st so I'm pretty desperate to start getting dirty- we have a rehearsal this Saturday, and a locations meeting on Sunday!... But my full time job is making it difficult to concentrate. It's hard to struggle through work to go home to more.

I shouldn't complain though- I have to admit that I love every second of it. It's nice to tell people that I do all this stuff with tv and foreign clients and flms, and not be lying. :)

A few last things before I go:
-Fashion designers have AWESOME jobs
-Echoes proove China is really home to the Center of the Universe
-You know tomorrow isTaeBo day when you get your bridesmaid dress measurements and realize that your waist is only 2 notches smaller than your bust and hips (and that was with a little cheating and sucking in)
-You should never tell a hairdresser that you don't want bangs because they'll inevitable give them to you

Crossroads

I'm sitting on my floor and I wonder
Are we a joke?
Are we a blunder
or a dream?
Made by a child? A man? A God?

Why?
What does he want?
What does SHE want?
Why do I want
what I want
that makes me travel miles away
from everyone I know and love
and care for
just to pursue a blunder
or a dream
that makes me wonder
lonely,
alone
on my floor?

Am I born for this?
Are we born for something?
Anything?
Destined to be
what I want to be?
So should I do
all that I do
if at the end it's all the same?
Shouldn't I just live
and let it all be
because it will be
what it should be
at the end of the game?

Or can I only attain
Everything attainable
through reach of muscle
and power-
man power,
brain power,
and hope-
if I use everything in my power
anything in my power
to climb through life's zoetrope?
Should I work my hardest
to be the greatest,
smartest,
to get where I get
when I want?

What should I do?
What do you want
you person
or thing
or force
that drives us
pushes us
pulls us
taunt?

Am I changing my life
right now, as we know it?
If I get up and go
and work for my dreams
the means
which home alone I tend
will they come true?
Will I bang at the end?

Or what if I sit?
What if I stay?
What if I go
and live with the love
of family
and friends
til the end of my day?
Will I still bang?
Will I still pop?
Or will my life tumble
fumble
drop?

I guess what I want
is to know what to do
God help me
Cuz I don't have a clue
I sit on my floor
lonely
alone
I'm missing the lives
of the people I left at home
But if I go back
Will I not go on
To the things I'll still remember
from my dreams
at early dawn?
What am I missing
at the greener side of the lawn?

Work=Life
and
Home=Love

What do I do?
I can't hear you!
Speak louder
You!
Living, up above!