Summer's Stuff

Block

2010-09-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

So I started a writers group.

Yay!

It's been cool so far. We have our 3rd meeting ever on Sunday. It's me, Bran, Tash, Crystal, Nina and Jeremy. Right now it's only me, Bran and Crystal writing anything but I'm hoping everybody else will get inspired and turn in their own stuff soon.

I'm a little jealous of Brandi and Crystal. They've both got manuscripts they've been working on for years - shit... Brandi has a whole BOOK she's giving us (we read one chapter at a time). I, on the other hand, only bring to the table what I've been able to scrape together in a week and a half. It's nice because I'm writing again but it sucks because I have measly short stories to present. It would be cool to have something a bit more grounded - with longevity. That being said, I kinda like the stories I'm working on. There's two of them so far (I switch them off) and they're diverse enough to keep me exercised. Yay for writing again!

DISCOVERY: Audiobooks. HELLS YEAH. I have an hour long commute to TCC northeast campus (holy shit - did I mention I was in pre med?!) and I've pretty much exhausted the 5 radio stations Dallas has. All the studying and homework leaves me tired with no time/motivation to read real books anymore but I desperately want books in my life so I decided to take advantage of my car and listen to them instead.

First one: Neil Gaiman narrating Coraline. Awesome. Hilarious. Creepy. I love Neil Gaiman anyway so it's not like it's a hard sell. Added plus: he's really good with voices.

Current one: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, narrated by Douglas Adams. OMG AMAZING. Sometimes I'll get so into it I'll go 10 - 15 minutes on the road not paying attention to where I'm going. I'll drive on automatic, switch lanes, avoid crashes - all while laughing uncontrollably at poor little Arthur Dent. Must read/hear!

Next up: Brothers Karamazov

Audiobook note: so far I'm liking books read by their authors. I figure the authors know their own material better than anybody else, right?

I should sleep. I haven't had much lately because of school, and Heart Walk is tomorrow! The Dallas Bebots Adventure Collective is walking it. Me and Ronnie started the DBAC and tomorrow is our first big fundraising event (we've done volleyball and rockclimbing so far). I designed our shirts (taking awesome girls from dropdeadsexy.com) and we're unveiling them at the event.

I also got volunteer orientation at the Women's Center and the art show at Canton Co-op (both of which I have to tell you about at some other time). And I guess my next entry should probably expand on the whole school bit :)

Nighty night!

P.S. OMG How could I forget?! I didn't tell you about Sherlock! I've become a HUGE Sherlock Holmes groupie. Crystal took me to a play last month and I was surprised by how entertaining it was, so I went out and bought the whole collection of stories and books dealing with Mr. Holmes. GOOD GOD I'm hooked. Whenever I do feel like reading, that's what I read. I even went out and bought the new movie (Guy Ritchie, Robert Downey Jr) and I adore it. I'm obsessed!

!

2010-08-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

I was born in one country (Philippines) but raised in another (USA), completely isolated from family besides my direct one. In the town I grew up in there were no filipinos - nobody who looked like me or acted like my parents. Obviously I adjusted. I'm very happy but it still amazes me to see friends who can visit the hospital where they were born, go to the school that their parents/grandparents/etc graduated, call on their grandpa/uncle/etc when they need to jump start their car, and have huge family gatherings like in Christmas movies where all the cousins/aunts/uncles know each other and look like each other and laugh and talk and... well, you get the point. Both of my parents have lots of brothers and sisters but I know hardly any of them.

Yesterday someone posted on a facebook picture that I looked like my aunt. WONDERS OF ALL WONDERS! I had never heard that in my life. Suddenly I resemble somebody. Suddenly I take after someone who is not my Dad or Mom - someone who is alive and out there somewhere.

This might sound cheesie since, you know, the internet/telephones exists... but I grew up in America and tried so hard to fit in, I never really wanted to know about the people back home. Now that I'm older it means so much more to me. I was wondering if anybody else has ever felt the same way?

I DONT CARE HOW BIG YOUR BLUE EYES ARE!!!!

2010-07-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

If you pee on my bed right before a party - on fresh sheets no less! - you will FEEL MY WRATH. I'M TALKING TO YOU YOU STUPID CAT!!!!!!

AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

Dallas Morning News

2010-07-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

This is the first thing I hear every time I come home. For years it seems, the first hellos upon entering the house were always bypassed by my brother in his urgency, looking me in the eyes in what could be the only time he ever does so, saying,

"Summer, I want Dallas Morning News 1983, 84, 85 and 1988"

And for years I would always float past him, my mind on other things, programmed to react with precise oblivion (and a hint of annoyance), "Yes, Ryan."

Not anymore. Maybe it's because I'm older? I don't know. But for some reason now I strain to hear what he says, to write them down in my head so I can repeat the action on paper later. Then maybe we can find them - those lost editions - and maybe he will be content.

I know we've looked for them before. My brother has been taken to Half Priced Books endless times in search of such tomes. My mother recalled a time she spent hours at the local library while he scrambled through dusty shelves of Dallas Morning News archives, looking for whatever month or year could unlock the prize. Whenever she came close he would shut the book in his possession, peering over his shoulder to note the disturbance, and start afresh with another book. Mommy says she thinks he's looking for old cigarette ads.

I hope we find them one day. I also hope that when we do he will be satisfied. I have a distinct fear, though, that he will just ask for Dallas Morning News 1989.

All evil exists for a reason

2010-07-11T16:38:00.001-07:00

except for child molesters and mosquitoes.

Daniel

2010-07-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

He is my brother's piano teacher. My parents found him through some organization that specializes in musical therapy for the mentally retarded. Ryan was his first ever piano student.

I came home for my birthday this year and - low and behold - his birthday is the same as mine. Ryan had a lesson that day. Mommy was in charge of getting the birthday cake. When I got there Daniel and Ryan were finishing up the lesson and Daddy was finishing up the lumpia. The cake was displayed proudly on the kitchen table. It said:

Happy Birthday Daniel and Summer!

We celebrated together. He was polite enough to stay for dinner and blow candles out with me but had to rush off for what I imagine were his real birthday plans. Mommy says out of all of the piano teachers we have had (and in 20 odd years we have had many) he is the best for Ryan. He noticed Ryan enjoyed rhythm so he suggested they sing together. Now they sing during their lesson every week, Beatles and show tunes and pop hits. Ryan's playing has progressed and he is better than he has ever been.

The world needs more Daniels.

"You are what you do every day"

2010-06-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

so what are you?

Suicide watchman saves scores at death spot

2010-06-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

From the publication "The Independent" Sunday, 13th of June

--

A former life insurance salesman has "sold life" to scores of people trying to end it all at Australia's most notorious suicide spot.

In nearly 50 years Don Ritchie, 84, has saved at least 160 people at The Gap, a rocky cliff at the entrance to Sydney Harbour - and he is still on suicide watch.

Lost souls who stood atop the cliff, wondering whether to jump, say their salvation was a soft voice breaking the sound of the wind and the waves, asking: "Why don't you come and have a cup of tea?"

And when they turned to the stranger, they say his smile made them want to live.

Mr Ritchie, who lives across the street from The Gap, is widely regarded as a guardian angel who has shepherded countless people away from the edge.

What some consider grim, Mr Ritchie considers a gift.

"You can't just sit there and watch them," he said, perched on his beloved green leather chair, from which he keeps a watchful eye on the cliff outside.

"You gotta try and save them. It's pretty simple."

Since the 1800s, Australians have flocked to The Gap to end their lives, with little more than a 3ft fence separating them from the edge. Local officials say around one person a week commits suicide there and in January, Woollahra Council applied for nearly £1.2 million government funding to build a higher fence and tighten security.

In the meantime, Mr Ritchie keeps up his voluntary watch. The council recently named him and his wife of 58 years, Moya, 2010's Citizens of the Year.

He has saved 160 people, according to the official tally, but that is only an estimate. Mr Ritchie does not keep count but says he has watched far more walk away from the edge than go over it.

Dianne Gaddin likes to believe Mr Ritchie was at her daughter's side before she jumped in 2005. Though he cannot remember now, she is comforted by the idea that Tracy felt his warmth in her final moments.

"He's an angel," she says. "Most people would be too afraid to do anything and would probably sooner turn away and run away. But he had the courage and the charisma and the care and the magnetism to reach people who were coming to the end of their tether."

Each morning, Mr Ritchie climbs out of bed, pads over to the bedroom window of his modest, two-storey home, and scans the cliff. If he spots anyone standing alone too close to the precipice, he hurries to their side.

Some he speaks to are fighting medical problems, others suffering mental illness.

Sometimes, the ones who jump leave behind reminders of themselves on the edge - notes, wallets, shoes. Mr Ritchie once rushed over to help a man on crutches, but by the time he arrived, the crutches were all that remained.

In his younger years, he would occasionally climb the fence to hold people back while his wife called the police. He would help rescue crews haul up the bodies of those who could not be saved and would invite the rescuers back to his house afterwards for a comforting drink.

It nearly cost him his life once. A chilling picture captured decades ago by a local news photographer shows Mr Ritchie struggling with a woman, inches from the edge. The woman is seen trying to launch herself over the side - with Mr Ritchie the only thing between her and the abyss. Had she been successful, he would have gone over too.

These days, he keeps a safer distance. The council installed security cameras this year and the invention of mobile phones means someone often calls for help before he crosses the street.

But he remains available to lend an ear, though he says he never tries to counsel, advise or pry. He just gives them a warm smile, asks if they would like to talk and invites them back to his house for tea. Sometimes, they join him.

By offering compassion, Mr Ritchie helps those who are suicidal think beyond the terrible present moment, says psychiatrist Gordon Parker, executive director of the Black Dog Institute, a mood disorder research centre that has supported the council's efforts to improve safety at The Gap.

"They often don't want to die, it's more that they want the pain to go away," Mr Parker said. "So anyone that offers kindness or hope has the capacity to help a number of people."

What to do, what to do...

2010-06-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

I want to:

- Get a motorcycle
- Travel

Hmmm...

Note to Self:

2010-05-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

Please remember this cool topic on Reddit - "Everything You've Learned in Life in 5 Words."

Top 10 answers:
-Try to ignore your pride.
-Never assume there's toilet paper.
-always finish what you
(haha i get it)
-Be Excellent to each other
-Don't be afraid to fail.
-Happiness equals reality minus expectations
-Don't sweat the small stuff
-Learn how to count.
-Reduce procrastination. Create awesome stuff.
-Surround yourself with good friends.

Because it was Reddit I had to ignore the perverted answers, so what you are seeing is really a censored summary of the top 15. But the cool thing? I still haven't seen anything about money, power or fame in any of the answers. It's nice to know the lessons people find most important in life don't pertain to the unnecessary things we desire during the day :)

Meh.

2010-05-28T20:50:00.001-07:00

Sick. :(

I threw up my dinner tonight after fighting the urge for the last 3 days. Now I am lying in bed pouting because it's friday night on Memorial Day Weekend and I don't want to be lying in bed.

FUN FAIL

By the way... did I mention that I'm living in San Diego now? No? Huh.

Changing my life shouldn't sound so simple

2010-03-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

Hi Susan,

This sounds good. I am available for all of the dates listed but as requested my session preferences are:

1.Mar 22, 23 (Mon, Tue)
2.Mar 18, 19 (Thu, Fri )
3.Mar 16, 17 (Tues, Wed)

Thanks,
Summer

Almost there!

2010-03-04T21:17:00.000-08:00

$450!

Working at the Arlington location is a big boost to the Moving Fund. $60 yesterday, $55 today. Of all the things I miss from Addison (and I miss them all, trust me OMGIMISSADDISON) I do not miss the $20-$40 I would go home with on a week night. I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow... Alice in Wonderland in 3D is coming out and I'll (hopefully) make the big bucks in Arlington that Addison always promised but never delivered.

I'm hoping to save MINIMUM $600 by the time I have to move. $1000 would be awesome for gas/food/buffer, but $600 is enough.

It's getting a little better at the new location. The people are sweet and have a good sense of humor. They're a younger crowd and a preppier one. The location is run a whole lot better and the work is easier because of it. But I would trade in a second... I miss my Addison friends :(

Something that Arlington affords me, though, is a safe haven to think. I started getting mad today. The situation with Him, when you step back and look at it from an outsider's perspective, was a crappy one. The Summer who gives relationship advice to her friends ("don't let him treat you like that", "you deserve better", etc) surfaced today and screamed bloody murder at me. The anger hit me hard.

I am still a little hesitant to embrace it. Angry Summer is not Logical Summer (I don't think I've been thinking logically lately anyway). I'm just scared of what this feeling could bring. What's the better evil - to lie around in sorrow or to walk through life in hate?

3 decades is a long time

2010-03-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

So I did the math. To pay off $80,000+ in debt/loans on a $40k/yr salary with bare minimum rent/gas/food/utilities and no fun/life/shopping at all, it would take me 30 years. 30 years. Daunting.

I am not comfortable planning the next 30 years of my life.

That is longer than I have lived.

And I sure as hell know I wont last a week on bare minimum. A girl's got to live a little, no? So this is not going to work. But that's ok. First order of business in loving yourself and having more confidence is accepting who you are. Therefore I, Summer Berdin, accept that I will go out and have fun and be happy at the expense of paying off my financial woes in a timely matter. And as part of that acceptance, I promise to:

1. stay responsible and pay my loan payments first
2. stop worrying about having credit/loan debt
3. use my education to further my money making opportunities, and put all those extra monies towards loan payments

Not bad, eh? Now all I gotta do is start making that $40k a year again.

P.S. I looked him up on the internet. His processing photo is heartbreaking. There is something in his eyes that looks so sad. I couldn't sleep at all last night. He could be an amazing man - he just needs to have faith in himself again.

Hello Again, Blog

2010-03-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

I wish I wrote in you more. I really do. A classmate of mine at MIU, Juan Pena, once told me, "If you want to gain confidence in yourself keep a journal. And write in it, everyday."

I would like to gain confidence. Lots of it. But that's not necessarily why I want to start writing in you again. It's just big things keep happening in my life - big joys, big successes, HUGE mistakes - and if I wrote in you more I'd be able to go back and learn from it all. For example, since the last time I wrote in you I

- produced a feature length documentary
- took part in a company uprising
- started/helped start 2 independent businesses (failed at one)
- produced a reality tv pilot
- failed desperately at 2 serious relationships
- became a waiter
- traveled everywhere
- met (and worked with) many brilliant, unique people
- went to SXSW and Carnaval twice
- experienced the birth of my 4th neice
- played soccer for the first time! (FAIL)
- did motivational speaking twice to underprivileged teens
- had the worst. haircut. ever.

Sad, right? You missed all that, and probably more that I've already forgotten.

I really, really should write in you more.

Love yourself first

2010-03-02T17:55:00.000-08:00

...and everything falls into line.

Lucille Ball

R.I.P.

2008-10-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

LJ died today :(

My Movie Trailer is Finally Up!

2008-06-07T08:52:00.001-07:00

Enjoy!

Undocumented: the Trailer from Undocumented the Movie on Vimeo.

May 14/15 Tokyo Day 1 and 2:

2008-05-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

Click on pictures to make them bigger.

The total delay time was almost 2 hours. We were supposed to reach Tokyo by 2pm but instead got there around 3:45. We got delayed twice – once in Dallas and once in Houston – both times because of the weather. We even sat on the tarmac in Houston for almost 40 minutes, in our plane with all the other planes beside us, because the airport had to close down due to severe thunderstorms. They fed us 3 times on the way (giving us warm towels in Japanese custom to wash our hands) and the air conditioning danced between a tepid warm to chilling cold. By the time we finally landed at Narita airport one day had gone by and we were all pooped.

Narita Airport's Mascot

Japanese ATM Machine

SIDENOTE: Something strange (or maybe not?) that I noticed about the flight was the immense amount of babies on board – and the equally immense amount of U.S. military newbies flying to their first training base. There was a boy from Minnesota who sat a few rows down from me absorbing pointers from the vet across the aisle from him. (I say boy because 1. He couldn’t have been older than 20 and 2. He sounded as naïve and innocent as the real babies giggling a few rows down). After we got off the plane he hopped around taking pictures for him family back home… and as we waited for our luggage many other fresh-faced boys stood, disheveled and alone, watching the families pass by.

SIDENOTE 2: On the bus ride to the hotel we got to experience the transition from countryside to urban cityscape. The view from the window went from rice fields (many) to a strange city of concrete – apartment buildings with clothes drying off balconies, cartoon icons and Toyota billboards, bays and waterways spotted by river taxis, multilingual signs (in Japanese and Romanjii – English to us) and the huge mass of not-so-tall tightly knit buildings that resemble an older but cleaner Manhattan. We passed the Tokyo tower (looking like a mini red version of the Eiffel), the Tokyo Disney and many other unique familiar buildings I should know but don’t. The bus announcer kindly reminded us that talking on cell phones in passenger vehicles is considered rude in Japan and the silence would have been awesome medication for how overwhelmed I was feeling if it were not for the loud Greek two seats back arguing on his phone the whole way. Combine that with how tired I was and you get the sorry excuse as to why I took no pictures.

The hotel we’re staying at first (we’re staying at 2 throughout the trip) is the ANA Intercontinental. Most of you will recognize it as part of the chain of hotels that span across the globe. Meriel is an “Ambassador’s Club” member so she got a few gifts when she checked in. The concierge lady felt bad for me so she slipped me a gift too… a pink embroidered handkerchief. Here’s some pics:

We had to save ourselves from jetlag so we walked around until 8pm. Again: everything here is clean and short. No asian-people-are-short pun intended. The people are immaculate in their dress and etiquette, bowing subtlety and speaking softly. The district we’re in must be a business one… everyone is in suits and skirts and nobody is around after 9.
Interncontinental's 'Hood

We stopped at the 7 Eleven to get snacks.

Back at the hotel I tried out the kimonos provided for sleeping and *ssshhhh* the bidet.

May 16 Tokyo Day 3:

Breakfast! No jet lag, so we got up at 8 and went to the buffet downstairs.

I got some sort of muffin, hashbrowns, sweet potato fries and broccoli, finishing it off with some fruit (look Mommy – lychee!).

Some ladies in the lobby were wearing kimonos so I practiced my inner paparazzi and snuck a photo.

Hotel Lobby

We bought our Pasmo Cards (3,000 yen = $30’s worth of subway/bus/train tavel) and took our first subway ride to the Asakusa District.

PASMO!

Tokyo Subway

Asakusa Subway Station

Old Man at Subway Exit

It’s the more traditional, “old Tokyo”-type part of the city. Apparently it’s also a tourist spot for the Japanese… there were throngs of elder Tokyoites and school children crowding the streets.

We went to the Senso-ji Temple (Buddhist) and picked out fortunes and watched the people pray.

Temple Street Entrance

The way fortunes work is you "donate" 100 Yen ($1) and shake a container full of fortune sticks. You pick the first stick that comes out and find the drawer that has the corresponding label. Open the drawer and *poof* a fortune is waiting for you. Mine was No.99 "The Best Fortune".

When you're done with the fortune you tie it on a string. I have no idea why. We watched a trash man come and take all the fortunes away later on.

People smelling incense.

Not sure what this one was... you take the ladle and fill it with water from the dragon's mouth. Then you gargle it and spit it out on the floor.

Inside the temple.

The view from inside.

We also walked along the side streets and happened upon a blessing or ceremony of some sort (I think it was a dojo blessing the students – could be totally wrong here).

Then we tried out some fast food sushi, or “Conveyor Belt Sushi.”

The restaurant puts menu items in colored plates on a conveyor belt and you take what you want – you pay according to the color or your plate and how many plates are in front of you. Very good.

Then we took the subway to Akihabara Electric Town… a part of Tokyo that features streets upon streets of discount electronic stories and anime and manga shops.

That’s about it for today. It’s 4:23am here (2:21pm in Dallas) and I should get to sleep. I took a nap when we got home but we’re waking up early tomorrow so it wouldn’t be smart to stay up too late. Night!

P.S. Here's the first batch of vending machines for Urban. A soup machine and a dinner machine.

So, I'm going to Tokyo...

2008-04-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

for 10 days next month with Jared and his mom. And all I'd like to say is

LIFE IS GOOD!

P.S. I've been thinking about getting a tattoo of cherry blossoms behind my right ear because 1. life is good and 2. life is short. Kind of a "remember to appreciate things" tattoo. I swear if I see a cherry blossom in bloom during our trip the tattoo is the first thing I'm buying when I get home. :)

P.P.S. Justin is using this as an opportunity to complain. Seeing as I spend nights at work and work on weekends, I think this trip is ok. It just might be stemming from his fear of living without someone to hold his hand(organization-wise).

P.P.S.S. First Miami then Japan then the Mediterranean Cruise next year? Jared's Mom is a travel-thoner! AND I LOVE IT! I can't wait until I start to make enough to bring them and my parents to cool, exotic places.

XOXOXOXO First senior pics photoshoot job last weekend. Pics turned out awesome and Joseph was very pleased. Next is a just-married couple and some soon-to-be-married friends. Considering I don't even have my business card yet, word is getting around pretty good no? And thanks to Jared for helping me buy the new lens (Nikkor 18-135mm). AWESOME!

XOXOXOXO #2 Congrats to Daddy for the on-going work. He's working overtime, with no end in sight.

Again... Life is good :)

Crunch Time

2008-03-25T01:43:00.000-07:00

Ahhh Blogging. I can't seem to quit you. Believe me, I've tried. You see how I go for days, weeks - sometimes years - without talking to you? No avail! Somehow you always seem to reel me back in.

Especially during insomnia time.

Especially during crunch time.

It's crunch time for the documentary. We have until the end of April to produce some kind of rough cut to buyers so that the film can be in theaters nationwide by summer this year. "Yay!" when you think about it, "Boo!" when you actually have to do it. 200+ hours of still unedited footage and no script needs to be bogged down to a feasible hour and 1/2 of movie magic. And we already have 1 hour edited to liking which does not include the 200+ hours of other footage.

Also, Robert (executive producer) is telling me and Justin that, since we'll be part of the marketing/publicity push, we need to start drilling ourselves through fake interviews and preparing for the media rush we are about to endure. Can you imagine?! Media rush! OMG THAT'S SCARY!

I can't even remember two syllable words while writing quietly in the night... how could I put together a sentence in front of multiple camera crew?! And I'll have to shut down my blog! And my myspace!

Oh well. Let's HOPE it gets to that point. It won't be a bad problem to have in this world if the only thing you can complain about is the media not leaving you alone. That would mean you were doing pretty ok. :)

So... since I'm not just Producer now, I'm also Post Supervisor, my list of "Things to Do" has grown exponentially:

Things to Do:
Log last Interviews (Me, Jessica, sometimes Nikki)
Research & Development for facts (Leslie, Ale - soon, sometimes Me)
Make sure Translation/Captioning done by next week (Ale, Sergio, Norm)
Cut footage (Sergio, Norm)
Get stock footage + organize licensing (Me, Robert)
EDIT THE FILM (Justin, Lior, Nikki)
Sell Film, Publicity, Marketing, Distribution (Robert & His Team)

and... wwwwwaaaaaaayyyyyy at the bottom

Register Car
Get new Driver's License
Go to Doctor
Go to Dentist
Start Own Business
Get Business Cards
Make Website
Fix credit

*sigh*

It's kind of weird loving my work. Days will go by where I'll come into work in the morning and suddenly it's 10pm and I still haven't had lunch, but I don't feel tired and I'm happy. A few weeks ago Justin set it up so the studio is half photo studio with the guitar/drums/piano in the corner and half industry-standard movie theater. Now on breaks or at night we sit and watch films and during the day he edits on the big screen. Kinda cool. Robert and Andrew held the first big "Executive Screening" in there of some of our edits for the investors and they loved everything they saw. Andrew cooked Mediterranean that night... again, awesome.

(Did I mention Andrew learned how to cook from an Indian Chef? And that he also does most of his food vegan-style? Hells yeah! And Robert is the best ever because even though he's our boss he barely tells us what to do - he just lets us learn for ourselves and steps in when he sees we need a little guidance. I know that's helped Justin a lot.)

Don't get me wrong... crunch time is not all fun and games. I mean... look at the insomnia and the To Do and the fact that I work long hours (worked all Easter weekend - but really that was mostly for making up the days I had to get my tooth pulled). And crunch time itself is hardly ever fun while it's happening.

But you know - I still go home happy. Cool.

Random:

-YAY Auntie Luz & Uncle Fin!! It was awesome having them here. Pics will be up as soon as I have time (they got to participate in Wii night and I bet Angel & Bim would love to see that).
-It's been years since I've seen Uncle Fin.
-Haha Angel locking her purse out of the house.
-Congrats Cammie on Baptism!
-This Saturday is Keianna's first volleyball game of the season, a must see.
-Countdown to Mediterranean Cruise starts today because tickets were purchased today! Yay! By this time next year I'll be packing for 11 days in Rome/Italy/Turkey/Greece/Rome!!! Yay Meriel!

MY HERO

2008-03-09T18:49:00.001-07:00

I want to be him.

It's raining EVERYTHING

2008-02-26T15:58:00.000-08:00

What is it with fate?! For one week I finally set myself a goal to work towards (business cards, website, copyrights & name) and somehow EVERYTHING ELSE suddenly needs to be done RIGHT NOW.

Texas has always been amazingly boring so when stuff suddenly starts to pop up in one week one tends to become suspicious.

A good thing that happened while I was not reaching my goal was that I finally sat down and figured out my credit. Angels sing. And the results are

*Drumroll Please*

My credit sucks.

I won't go into details but I will say this: that's ok. I had a feeling it would suck and sitting down and confirming that accomplished 2 things:

1. Now I know how much it sucks and
2. I can take that knowledge and start working towards fixing it.

And although this was a slightly overwhelming fork in the road at first, now that it's had time to settle in it's not such a bad thing. It's about time I figure out how to manage my own finances and, if anything, it gives me even more of a reason why I need to start my own business.

Yay taking responsibility!

Note: Another encouraging "start own business" thing is Ale (from work) got a Christmas gift of a one-day "professional" photo shoot. It cost $300 for 5 hours, 3 different "costumes" that she had to bring herself, and the photographer did her makeup and hair. The pics came out really pretty. I asked her what equipment the photographer had and she said none! They shot during the day, mostly in the sunlight, and the "studio" was the lady's garage. She had a lot of bounce boards (reflectors that pick up the sun) instead of lights, and she even used a hairdryer as a windmaker!

I can do that!

Random:
- I told Jared the other day a big secret: I have a HUGE TV crush. I think I'm falling in love with Geof Manthorne from Ace of Cakes. He's scruffy and quiet and works wonders with his hands- such a cutie! I think it might also be because he slightly resembles Jared, but I'm not sure. Jared didn't seem fazed... maybe he doesn't think my TV crush is serious?
- I miss LA. DESPERATELY. It's become a conflict with me, because I love being close to my family and Jared, but I can't stand being in Dallas. What to do?
- Fae (the new kitty) just took a dump. A HARDCORE one. And even though her litter box is far away in a different room, I can smell it so fresh it's almost like she dumped on my arm. G a w d .

Below: 3 Sets of Pics: from the Berdin family annual bi-monthly Wii tournament, Cleo and Fae trying to like each other and the flowers Jared got me for Valentine's Day (with a glimpse of my new apartment in the back). Click on each to make them bigger. :)

Boss DJ

2008-02-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

I'm starting my own business!

Mommy and Auntie Luc had mentioned it before. I created a portfolio for a photography job I wanted (which I got, and hated - it was a door to door photo job where I took pics of peoples' babies and tried to make it look like they were happy instead of fussy and crying like they always were. Awful job. I quit it and a few weeks later my resume and that same portfolio got me a job as producer for "Undocumented," the indy documentary.) Mommy and Auntie liked the folio and suggested I start my own business. I played around with the idea but didn't like it too much - I was just starting out in film and this would be digressing from it. Plus I didn't have any equipment besides my D40... it was too much & I was too inexperienced.

So I put the thought behind me. Then 3 things happened.

1. A while back Hazel mentioned her friend was getting married and couldn't afford a photographer so she was looking for an amateur for cheap. I said no. Weddings are "forever memories" and a bad photographer can ruin those memories - Hazel's photographer was awful and she still regrets hiring him. I don't feel right getting paid for something I have no experience in while knowing that any action I make determines someone's wedding memories. So I put it behind me. A few weeks later during Brandi's wedding I inadvertently spent most of my time watching the photographer - checking out his equipment and movements and such. It didn't seem so bad. Then another friend - Louie - proposed to his girlfriend and they requested I be the photographer for their wedding in August. And even though I tried my hardest to convince them that that would be a huge mistake, they still want me.

2. Before I left for my last trip I took pics of Hazel and her family for their Christmas Card. I had taken pics for birthday invites for both Cammie & Tay's birthday parties, so this was natural. Well, while I was away Hazel picked her favorites and sent them out as cards and gifts - and she got replies back from multiple families asking who the photographer was and how much do they cost? I was out of town until after the holidays, so it didn't pan out.

3. All during principal photography of the documentary (we traveled to 24 cities in the U.S in 4 months late last year) while Justin had his camera rolling mine would be rolling as well. And the photos I developed received great acclaim - so much so that Justin will be using them throughout the final film as a way to tell the story.

So I sat down. Looked at my depleted bank account. Looked at my inflated student loans. Looked at the fact that both Justin (director - 24yrs old) and Robert (executive producer - 40's ish) started their own businesses when they were young, and were both very successful at it.

And I said no. Again. And put it behind me.

Do you like watching realty shows? I do - not all, just a few, and I hate, Hate, HATE to admit it, but I do. There's something delicious about a reality show. Kinda like eating ice cream on the couch all day without the fatty substance.

Well, I'm a huge fan of America's Next Top Model & Janice Dickinson's Modeling Agency. Of course I adore the travel shows (love Samantha Brown) and food shows (Ace of Cakes), but they aren't on as often as the above mentioned, so I can't veg as much on them. I was sick a couple days last week and stayed home - and MAN did I veg. I even threw in a few episodes of Kimora Lee's Baby Phat show, just for good measure. I started to think how admirable all 3 of these women were. Personally they have their faults, but professionally they were at the top of their game - and they were WOMEN. And they were doing it ON THEIR OWN. THEY CALLED THE SHOTS.

How awesome, I thought.

I went to the car shop while thinking this. I needed some fresh air and my car needed an oil change. The wait was an hour but I was sick and not working so what's an hour? I sat and picked up the first magazine I could find.

Country Living. March Issue, 2008. The "Female Entrepreneur Issue". Profiling 17 women who started they own businesses and became successful at it.

And I decided to start my own business.

My mind started racing. A photography business! Done - for now - on weekends until the film is released, then done full time from home. In one weekend a good photographer can make tens of thousands of dollars... I'm not there yet but when I get like that it would be enough to pay for bills & pay for loans, on my own time, with my own skills. And I can be my own boss.

So there you have it. I called Mommy, raced home, wrote up a rough business plan, and for the last few days have been doing all the research I can. This week my goal is to start the copyright process for all my photos (shoulda been done years ago), finish up my business card design and figure out a website design.

Oh - and figure out a name.

:)

Not convincing enough

2008-02-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

Peter posted this video on myspace. My reply is below.

It seems like the only reason someone would like this is because a snazzy tune and pretty celebrities (who should have nothing to do with world politics) mime harmoniously during the actual speech.

And "Yes we can" is derived from "Si se puede"- a quote by Cesar Chavez who was not a slave but an underprivileged farm worker. It is also the chant used by illegal immigrants across the U.S. and supporters for amnesty which (either unconciously or conciously) diverts the American peoples' attention from the real problem with illegal immigration to more unfocused reasoning towards letting it continue.

Nice song, but I need more facts and less bling. Although immigration is not the only problem America is going through, it is a huge problem - and so far to my knowledge Obama has said nothing about it. A major downer in my opinion.

:) Summer

At least they think I'm gifted...

2007-05-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

Existential Depression in Gifted Individuals
James T. Webb, Ph.D.
Supporting Emotional Needs of Gifted

It has been my experience that gifted and talented persons are more likely to experience a type of depression referred to as existential depression. Although an episode of existential depression may be precipitated in anyone by a major loss or the threat of a loss which highlights the transient nature of life, persons of higher intellectual ability are more prone to experience existential depression spontaneously. Sometimes this existential depression is tied into the positive disintegration experience referred to by Dabrowski (1996).

Existential depression is a depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or "ultimate concerns")--death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness. Death is an inevitable occurrence. Freedom, in an existential sense, refers to the absence of external structure. That is, humans do not enter a world which is inherently structured. We must give the world a structure which we ourselves create. Isolation recognizes that no matter how close we become to another person, a gap always remains, and we are nonetheless alone. Meaninglessness stems from the first three. If we must die, if we construct our own world, and if each of us is ultimately alone, then what meaning does life have?

Why should such existential concerns occur disproportionately among gifted persons? Partially, it is because substantial thought and reflection must occur to even consider such notions, rather than simply focusing on superficial day-to-day aspects of life. Other more specific characteristics of gifted children are important predisposers as well.

Because gifted children are able to consider the possibilities of how things might be, they tend to be idealists. However, they are simultaneously able to see that the world is falling short of how it might be. Because they are intense, gifted children feel keenly the disappointment and frustration which occurs when ideals are not reached. Similarly, these youngsters quickly spot the inconsistencies, arbitrariness and absurdities in society and in the behaviors of those around them. Traditions are questioned or challenged. For example, why do we put such tight sex-role or age-role restrictions on people? Why do people engage in hypocritical behaviors in which they say one thing and then do another? Why do people say things they really do not mean at all? Why are so many people so unthinking and uncaring in their dealings with others? How much difference in the world can one person's life make?

When gifted children try to share these concerns with others, they are usually met with reactions ranging from puzzlement to hostility. They discover that others, particularly of their age, clearly do not share these concerns, but instead are focused on more concrete issues and on fitting in with others' expectations. Often by even first grade, these youngsters, particularly the more highly gifted ones, feel isolated from their peers and perhaps from their families as they find that others are not prepared to discuss such weighty concerns.

When their intensity is combined with multi-potentiality, these youngsters become particularly frustrated with the existential limitations of space and time. There simply aren't enough hours in the day to develop all of the talents that many of these children have. Making choices among the possibilities is indeed arbitrary; there is no "ultimately right" choice. Even choosing a vocation can be difficult if one is trying to make a career decision between essentially equal passion, talents and potential in violin, neurology, theoretical mathematics and international relations.

The reaction of gifted youngsters (again with intensity) to these frustrations is often one of anger. But they quickly discover that their anger is futile, for it is really directed at "fate" or at other matters which they are not able to control. Anger that is powerless evolves quickly into depression.

In such depression, gifted children typically try to find some sense of meaning, some anchor point which they can grasp to pull themselves out of the mire of "unfairness." Often, though, the more they try to pull themselves out, the more they become acutely aware that their life is finite and brief, that they are alone and are only one very small organism in a quite large world, and that there is a frightening freedom regarding how one chooses to live one's life. It is at this point that they question life's meaning and ask, "Is this all there is to life? Is there not ultimate meaning? Does life only have meaning if I give it meaning? I am a small, insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I die. Is this all there is?"

Such concerns are not too surprising in thoughtful adults who are going through mid-life crises. However, it is a matter of great concern when these existential questions are foremost in the mind of a twelve or fifteen year old. Such existential depressions deserve careful attention, since they can be precursors to suicide.

How can we help our bright youngsters cope with these questions? We cannot do much about the finiteness of our existence. However, we can help youngsters learn to feel that they are understood and not so alone and that there are ways to manage their freedom and their sense of isolation.

The isolation is helped to a degree by simply communicating to the youngster that someone else understands the issues that he/she is grappling with. Even though your experience is not exactly the same as mine, I feel far less alone if I know that you have had experiences that are reasonably similar. This is why relationships are so extremely important in the long-term adjustment of gifted children (Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan, 1982).

A particular way of breaking through the sense of isolation is through touch. In the same way that infants need to be held and touched, so do persons who are experiencing existential aloneness. Touch seems to be a fundamental and instinctual aspect of existence, as evidenced by mother-infant bonding or "failure to thrive" syndrome. Often, I have "prescribed" daily hugs for a youngster suffering existential depression and have advised parents of reluctant teenagers to say, "I know that you may not want a hug, but I need a hug." A hug, a touch on the arm, playful jostling, or even a "high five" can be very important to such a youngster, because it establishes at least some physical connection.

The issues and choices involved in managing one's freedom are more intellectual, as opposed to the reassuring aspects of touch as a sensory solution to an emotional crisis. Gifted children who feel overwhelmed by the myriad choices of an unstructured world can find a great deal of comfort in studying and exploring alternate ways in which other people have structured their lives. Through reading about people who have chosen specific paths to greatness and fulfillment, these youngsters can begin to use bibliotherapy as a method of understanding that choices are merely forks in the road of life, each of which can lead them to their own sense of fulfillment and accomplishment (Halsted, 1994). We all need to build our own personal philosophy of beliefs and values which will form meaningful frameworks for our lives.

It is such existential issues that lead many of our gifted individuals to bury themselves so intensively in "causes" (whether these causes are academics, political or social causes, or cults). Unfortunately, these existential issues can also prompt periods of depression, often mixed with desperate, thrashing attempts to "belong." Helping these individuals to recognize the basic existential issues may help, but only if done in a kind and accepting way. In addition, these youngsters will need to understand that existential issues are not ones that can be dealt with only once, but rather ones that will need frequent revisiting and reconsideration.

In essence, then, we can help many persons with existential depressions if we can get them to realize that they are not so alone and if we can encourage them to adopt the message of hope written by the African-American poet, Langston Hughes:

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.

- Langston Hughes

A bubble bursts

2007-03-23T01:39:00.000-07:00

There have been frustrations. Unexpected. Unexplicable. All unwanted. The Documentary That Should has stepped off the yellow brick road into territory that- sorry- is NOT Kansas anymore. It's been filmed already and the package is done, but somehow something (which I cannot- for fear of legal action from the production company- discuss) blocks its journey to the big screen.

The worst part is that the documentary was not made for anybody's personal profit. It was made to raise awareness of an issue which is deliberately being ignored by the press and by our governments. Awareness cannot be raised if people do not see the film. People do not see the film if the film never sees the light of day.

I expected as much from Hollywood. Shit- we waded through politics KNEE DEEP in school for short films that no real filmmaker would ever watch. And this was IN SCHOOL.

But I never expected the politics when it came to a film that mattered. I mean, really mattered. It's not about getting rich anymore. It's about stopping these children (some as young as 3) from being raped by so many men at once that they can't sit down for the rest of their natural lives. Or from being hurt so bad and having no one to turn to for help because their parents have died of HIV/AIDs.

It should no longer be about profit then, and start being about realising our own humanity. Realising that something is wrong and needs to be stopped.

Even in Hollywood, I had hoped for that.

An article in The Times reflects some of what me and my boss have had to deal with in the last few weeks. It's a shame that the author refrained from putting their name, but considering the town I understand. You don't give your number to the devil.

Here's the article:

Ostensibly, I produce movies for a living. The most recent movie I had a hand in producing won the Academy Award for Best Picture. Pretty heady stuff, to be sure. The reality, though, is slightly less fulfilling. We shot that film two years ago and, since then, I’ve produced nothing. Zilch. Not a frame of film, a byte of sound, a kernel of popcorn.

How, you may ask, does one survive in the film business without actually making any movies? Or, more relevantly, what the hell have I been doing for the past two years? Good question. Here’s the answer, which is really a guide for those of you looking either to become a producer or waste your time completely. The two are often indistinguishable.

This is how it starts: I read hundreds of scripts, articles and books, watch countless films for remake possibilities, listen to tons of ideas – and most of them are crap. It’s like a beauty pageant where everyone has either a monobrow or two noses. When you are reading a script, only one thing truly matters, which I learnt from my old boss Harvey Weinstein: is it a movie? Not is it a good idea, or is it well written, or is there some big star attached. Is it a movie?

Two years ago, I read a script from a first-time screenwriter with several novels under his belt that left me giddy. The characters were real, the structure was sound and the story was captivating. That’s not to say it didn’t have some issues; no script comes out perfectly formed. It would be the genetic equivalent of a baby emerging with Brad Pitt’s face. But it was pretty close.

It was about a patrolman on the border between California and Mexico. He had done time in Iraq and was now serving his country in a different way. The reality of his life, though, was grim and fairly hopeless. No matter how many illegal activities he and his cohorts stop, countless criminals slip through the cracks. It’s a numbers game, and the odds favour the bad guys.

So here you have a good man in an increasingly desperate situation. He’s trying to keep his wife and young daughter intact, provide for them, but he knows he’ll never get to where he needs to be. Faced with this bleak reality, he is approached by some Mexican criminals with an offer: let a particular vehicle pass through and he’ll be paid handsomely. It’s a victimless crime – no drugs or terrorists, merely high-priced foreign call girls who can’t easily enter a post9/11 America.

He decides to look the other way and take the money, which enables him to support his family for a year. Unfortunately, he’s asked soon afterwards to let another car through, then another and another. The Mexicans have him, and they dictate the rules of the game, including threatening his family if he doesn’t continue to comply.

It read like a classic thriller with characters you really cared for, plus the added bonus of being extremely topical. Stories about border corruption were splashed across the covers of every newspaper, and the writer had clearly done his research. I thought to myself, yes, Harvey, it’s a movie!

I bought it. The movie had all the earmarks of a critical and commercial success, with a great role fora leadingman. Already feeling a fat producer’s fee burning a hole in my pocket, I called my travel agent and asked her to look into renting a villa for two weeks in St Barts in the West Indies.

Then it all went wrong. I sent the script out to several agents, who had many of their top director clients read it. I found myself fielding calls from many of my heroes, film-makers I’d dreamt of working with, along with several exciting up-and-comers. I finally decided on someone in the middle: he’d just directed a very well received film whose lead actor was nominated for an Academy Award. Actors would line up to work with him, I was assured, and every studio was dying to make his next film.

The first thing he did was get the writer to rewrite the script, tipping it slightly into more “character drama” territory. Not satisfied, he then rewrote it himself, shoving it completely out of “commercial thriller” territory. I called my travel agent, asking if a week in a hotel in Miami wasn’t a more practical idea.

Six months had passed. We sent the new draft out to all the top actors, and the responses felt like what models must hear every day – too dark, too small, too thin. One well-known actor, possibly the most humourless man I’ve ever met – which, in my business, is saying a lot – loved the script but was “looking to branch out into comedy”. I wasn’t quite sure which branch, and I certainly didn’t want to find out.

The director got a very well respected actor to read it, and the actor loved it, with one caveat: he wanted a rewrite done, with his input. They huddled together for weeks and emerged with a script that was basically a 90-minute monologue about a guy who works at the border. At least, I think he worked at the border.

Burying my concerns, I sent the “package” out to all the major studios. The silence was deafening. One by one, various executives read it and, one by one, they passed. There was a nibble here and there, but it was usually by someone in the mail-room with – sadly – no authority to greenlight a $30 million movie. (But they obviously had immaculate taste.)

After months of waiting and pleading, I found a studio that was willing to finance it – for roughly the budget of a documentary short.

A year had passed since I bought the script.

It was time to regroup. After much Sturm und Drang – mostly on my part – the director and I parted ways. I decided on a different approach. I went back to the original script and tried, once again, to court a big-name actor. Surely someone would see in it what I first did.

Miraculously, it worked. After several months of near-meetings and almost-conver-sations, I finally sat down with a recent Oscar winner who was perfect for the part. He loved it, he said, one of the best scripts he’d ever read. I sat and listened, waiting for the other shoe to drop – he’d want the character to be deaf, he’d want the story to take place in Kazakhstan, he’d want a competent producer. But all I got was a yes, he was in, and let’s go get ourselves a director.

Now I had a movie star. The directors started calling again, and I even heard from one I’d originally passed on because he wanted to add chase scenes and explosions – just stick ‘em in anywhere, he’d said, that’s what audiences really wanted nowadays. Now we had a 30-minute conversation where he pretended to forget his earlier thoughts and proclaimed the script was “perfect as it is”.

This was shaping up to be quite a movie, and the star promised me this would be his next film, even mentioning it on a talk show while promoting another movie.

Two weeks in St. Bart’s: $15,000.

There was a buzz around town, which always happens when a star commits to a project, and I returned to the ring for the easy part – going back to the studios with my shiny, new, glorious package. Only I quickly discovered that the package wasn’t so glorious after all.

The star was (and, in fact, still is) African-American. His wife would be as well, and the “other woman” in the movie would be played by a Latino actress. For some reason everyone was calling my movie an “urban film” (code for a movie for black people).

The part had been written for a white guy, but this was a fantastic actor, and people of all colours and ethnicities work on the border. Even so, my casting choice would prove to be a huge problem; apparently, there are many countries in the world where movies starring African-Americans other than Will Smith need not apply.

Nobody in town would finance the movie, because it had literally no appeal overseas. My weak protests – wouldn’t people go if it were actually a good movie? – were met with laughter. What does a “good movie” have to do with anything?

It had now been a year and a half since I last stepped foot on a set.

People in the industry were beginning to wonder – what was I working on? Calls were going unreturned. I developed the unmistakable stench of desperation. My wife started leaving the mortgage payment notices (and her shopping receipts) on my bedside table.

A producer friend once told me: “You’re either making a movie or you’re not. Everything else is just talk.” (He hasn’t worked in five years, but that’s another story.)

I clearly wasn’t making a movie. What I was doing was bleeding money. I had rung up a profoundly large credit card bill (wooing the various talents), ludicrously high legal fees (negotiating everyone’s deals) and astounding costs for therapy and medication (very poor health care system in America). This was in addition to actually buying the script, paying for rewrites and flying people back and forth for meetings.

Stuck in Purgatory, I’m currently faced with several decisions. Find a new actor? Hire a different director? Wait for the studio regimes to change and pray that someone responds to my script? Fire my travel agent? Get a good divorce lawyer?

It’s now been two years since I last produced a movie, and the script sits prominently on my desk, taunting me daily. Help me, it pleads, get me to the screen where I belong. Heed the signs, people tell me, this one just wasn’t meant to be. And still I carry on, for some unknown reason. Passion? Stubbornness? Desire? Stupidity? Who knows – it’s probably a combination of all of the above, but mainly the latter.

For these are the tools of my trade. I’m a producer.

New Job

2007-03-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

They converted the hospice into a research facility only recently. My inner child squeals at the rooms I pass... there are aged computers and patchy eurgonomic chairs there now, but you can feel the metal of the hospital beds that once inhabited the space. The city gave it to a non-profit HIV/AIDS prevention team without much thought and probably in the hopes of a good tax break. In turn, the team let out the last room on the first floor- the small one, down the hallway on the left- to my boss.

With it she makes due.

The donated copy machine in the main office broke on my first day. The quiet AIDs activist present showed me a trick: wedge the black rack into the hole gently then slam it shut. You have to do it every so often to show it who's boss. The activists are all quiet and very sweet, in contrast to my boss who, african music blaring through the walls, giggles and swears and rampages throughout the day.

She is a director. I saw her ad in the 'volunteer' section of craigslist and 2 hours after my email she called saying I got the job and could I come over now? I'm helping her during the post production process of her current documentary, and though she knows I would happily do the job for free she pays me $15 an hour.

Yesterday I sat in on a production meeting with the CEOs of a big studio. I dug my nails into my hands to keep from visually expressing my glee everytime I was introduced to someone I knew from my tv screen.

I will be helping her non-stop until she leaves for her vacation, one which is much needed and much deserved. It's something I love, so I don't mind the long hours or weekends. At night it gets cold, so we crank up the old hot box, and since the building is on a hill we get to enjoy the company of the owls as they rest before the hunt. She knows I'm a writer and that I have an interest in traveling, and has promised me that if my samples are good she will take me to South Africa to help her write her next feature.

Here's her website.

The documentary I'm helping her with is called "Angels in the Dust". It's about orphans in African, many brutally raped and some with AIDs, whose only chance is the makeshift home they call 'The Village'. The website has a promo. She told me the first night that there is no money in documentaries.

"So why do you do them?" I asked. She didn't even blink.

"Because nobody else will."

I love my new job.

Excerpts...

2007-02-22T13:29:00.000-08:00

...from an online conversation with Urban. It gets very political, slightly public broadcast formulaic at times, but I'm proud of it. It's a good indication of what me and my friends concern ourselves with in Lala land.

BTW: I'm real proud of Angel and her new job. She's directly effecting what Urban and I (below) are fighting for.

P.S.S. Angel: I agree with your point in Pan's Labyrinth but since it is a fairytale told mostly from the perspective of a very sad little girl, the Queen part (albeit sappy) fits for me.

.....

AIM IM with UrbanEsMalo.
12:24 PM

Summer Berdin: so i have an interview tomorrow for an environmental activist job
Summer Berdin: my friend told me something that shocked me
Summer Berdin: i'm a vegan
Summer Berdin: if i get the job i would be a vegan environmental activist

UrbanEsMalo: ?

Summer Berdin: conclusive statement: I would be the most annoying person in the world

UrbanEsMalo: if you became a paid activist you would become my tool

Summer Berdin: your tool?

UrbanEsMalo: there were activists outside of trader joes on the weekend
UrbanEsMalo: trying to talk to me about global warming

Summer Berdin: ah lol

UrbanEsMalo: so I said to val, I can't take this, I have to talk with them
UrbanEsMalo: and the guy got me so pissed cause he had no idea what was really going on
UrbanEsMalo: so if you became an activist, we'd have to have lots of sit downs to make sure you were just throwing up what the government wants people to believe
UrbanEsMalo: or, you could listen to the alex jones show every day
UrbanEsMalo: and become a REAL activist, and get paid for it through that other company
UrbanEsMalo: and I would love you forever for it

Summer Berdin: before you go on a rant, the job is not for kids handing out brochures

UrbanEsMalo: whats it for?

Summer Berdin: i dont exactly know WHAT the job is yet, but if it's that then I sure as hell am not taking it
Summer Berdin: handing out paper had never been my definition of "helping the cause"

UrbanEsMalo: would you like to listen to the show anyway?
UrbanEsMalo: or you wanna talk about global warming?

Summer Berdin: no, im not listening to any show

UrbanEsMalo: So you're saying you want to talk about global warming with me?

Summer Berdin: sure, right now?

UrbanEsMalo: better late than never, right?
UrbanEsMalo: whats causing it? co2 right?
UrbanEsMalo: what I am trying to talk about is the global warming that is all over the news media these days and the one that theyre talking about in congress and trying to pass laws on
UrbanEsMalo: global warming is real, but it's cause is a fraud
UrbanEsMalo: just like your article says, cow farts does more than cars
UrbanEsMalo: and even though all this shit is happening, the hottest tempeture on record was in the 1960s

Summer Berdin: so then what's really going on?

UrbanEsMalo: the Fact on global warming is that the sun is having one of its radiation cycles. Scientists have found ice caps melting on other planets
UrbanEsMalo: the solar system is warming
UrbanEsMalo: Now, i'm not saying that everything in your article isn't important. It's paramount. It's our air quality, water quality, bio diversity, the most important things in the world
UrbanEsMalo: but its not global warming
UrbanEsMalo: Global warming has been hijacked by the politicians and theyve gone from saying it doesnt exist, just two years ago, to saying its going to kill us all
UrbanEsMalo: why? Because their solution is a carbon tax
UrbanEsMalo: they want to tax people on their carbon emissions
UrbanEsMalo: but 300 some odd countries are exempt from this
UrbanEsMalo: why? Because America has been deindustrialized. All our industrial jobs are in third world countries and China
UrbanEsMalo: all our low end jobs are going to illegal immigrants who are getting money from Wells Fargo and Bank of America to come in and set up roots
UrbanEsMalo: what does that leave for us? Tech jobs? No, those are exported to india remember?
UrbanEsMalo: All that will be left is government jobs and the wierd odds and ends

Summer Berdin: thats dumb. instead of finding a way to stop the carbon emissions they tax people on them? plus, Bush refused to sign the UN treaty on lowing emissions coming from the US because he said "if China wont, we wont" so is he gonna tax us?

UrbanEsMalo: Add to that our carbon tax and high gas prices, we can now no longer travel far. Experts are saying in 30 years only the rich can afford to travel by plane. There is legislature being set up all over the country to set up toll booths on major highways that we've already paid for
UrbanEsMalo: those toll booths will also be equiped with scanning cameras, check points, you name it
UrbanEsMalo: so now theyre carbon taxing us and toll roading us on roads we've already paid for
UrbanEsMalo: the dollar has been devalued by over 70% of what it was worth just 30 years ago

Summer Berdin: so basically what you're saying is that this whole "global warming" thing is just a tool for the rich to getting a firmer hold on the people and, basically, keep getting rich

UrbanEsMalo: there is a massive globalist scheme that you can see signs off in every news article in order to turn us into indentured servants. You can't rule a people unless you oppress them

Summer Berdin: the people are fully oppressed already, they love being oppressed
Summer Berdin: (not saying it as a good thing, just as fact)

UrbanEsMalo: look at the dumb shit happening in schools these days? Kids are being conditioned by police to rat on their parents and get arrested for the stupedist shit

Summer Berdin: but does that mean any efforts made by grassroots companies to stop global warming is null and void because it's not happening? it's still a problem, isn't it?
Summer Berdin: yes, it is
Summer Berdin: so what's to be done... obviously the government cant be trusted (which should have been obvious since the day Bush became president anyway)
Summer Berdin: are we discussing global warming or something else, Urb?

UrbanEsMalo: What can we do against the sun? Grass roots movements had global warming as a buzzword and it's been hijacked to be used against us. Grass roots neeed to fight for Air quality because kids in LA are asmatic, water quality because there is no excuse for having floride and mercury in our water supply when both chemicals have been shown to have adverse effects on the brain
UrbanEsMalo: biodiversity to promote growth in third world economies

Summer Berdin: they do... it's all under the umbrella of "stopping global warming" but all of those issues are being looked into

UrbanEsMalo: anti bio engineering of our food
UrbanEsMalo: global warming is an excuse for a tax that they feed into
UrbanEsMalo: educate people about the real issues and not umbrella topics

Summer Berdin: the phrase "global warming" may be a con used by politicians or what not, but it's also used by well-meaning people to get done what needs to be gotten done done
Summer Berdin: it's their biggest weapon to "scare" the masses into finally getting up and helping

UrbanEsMalo: so become the devil in order to fight the devil?

Summer Berdin: otherwise, the masses would just sit on their couches watching tv saying "woe is me". with the phrase "global warming" there is a new urgency that can be used for good

UrbanEsMalo: what happens when global warming is exposed for what it is? The environmentalist movement would come under question as well
UrbanEsMalo: its not being used for good though

Summer Berdin: not become the devil, just use the devil's tools for good is all

UrbanEsMalo: its being used to further an oppressive and secret agenda

Summer Berdin: it's like in chinese sword fighting. if you don't have a weapon to counter your attacker's sword, use your hands to cradle the attack and push it back at him. use his weapon against him

UrbanEsMalo: thats heralding a golden calf though
UrbanEsMalo: when its exposed for a lie, you fall with it

Summer Berdin: i doubt it will get "exposed". if it does, then it wont be anytime soon- it's too profitable

UrbanEsMalo: and every "good" thing theyre trying to do
UrbanEsMalo: youre feeding into it

Summer Berdin: that doesn't mean you should stop trying to help
Summer Berdin: if there is a system going on, and you can't destroy the system, you work around it

UrbanEsMalo: I never said that

Summer Berdin: if it gets exposed, the people will be looking more at the politicians than anything

UrbanEsMalo: you START trying to help with the real issues
UrbanEsMalo: how is mercury poisoning in infants any less important than global warming?

Summer Berdin: and if they look at the grassroots companies, who cares? the whole essence of grassroots is fallible... hense "grassroots". they can start afresh with whatever new government scheme is going on and fight from there
Summer Berdin: it's not any less important

UrbanEsMalo: I never said that either

Summer Berdin: so what are you trying to say?
Summer Berdin: there are companies that revolve around those issues
Summer Berdin: but a company that tries to deal with all issues instead of just focusing on one will not get anything done

UrbanEsMalo: you dont lie to people, simple as that

Summer Berdin: ah
Summer Berdin: yes you do, urban
Summer Berdin: people, singular, as good and well meaning and smart

UrbanEsMalo: I never said deal with one issue
UrbanEsMalo: you've gotten all these misleading ideas from what I was saying

Summer Berdin: but people en mass... they don't think individually, but with mass hysteria
Summer Berdin: lying is sometimes essential... but it should not be done often and should not be done for profit
Summer Berdin: using the global warming umbrella might be lying but it's not completely a bad thing

UrbanEsMalo: it is when its also being used to oppress people

Summer Berdin: thats like flavoring medicine with cherry sugar. the child knows the medicine is good for him and will ultimately make his life easier, but he needs the added gloss to willingly take it in
Summer Berdin: he KNOWS he needs it
Summer Berdin: but the sugar helps

UrbanEsMalo: by doing so you comply with what they want, to create a pan american highway, police checkpoints, toll roads on existing roads, and turning the populace into willing serfs
UrbanEsMalo: don't get me started on what pharmasutical companies are really doing

Summer Berdin: global warming is just 2 words put together for sugar, but the problems are out there. why not use the sugar to help the people swallow the issues?

UrbanEsMalo: does sugar make slavery easier to accept?
UrbanEsMalo: cause tahts how its being used

Summer Berdin: no, but the companies that help the government obviously arent doing their jobs

UrbanEsMalo: nor will they, theyre paid Not to

Summer Berdin: true (non-funded by the government) grassroots companies know better

UrbanEsMalo: I would have hoped so, but those fliar kids said otherwise
UrbanEsMalo: also, lots of these supposed grass roots joints are funded by the CIA to advance an agenda

Summer Berdin: its a shame that others have sunken to govenment depths, but what can you do? that'll always happen, no matter what is going on

UrbanEsMalo: the woman who started the femenist movement has openly stated the CIA paid her to do it
UrbanEsMalo: thats the core of the issue summer
UrbanEsMalo: what can you do?
UrbanEsMalo: You become educated
UrbanEsMalo: you tell people whats really happening
UrbanEsMalo: you spread the word
UrbanEsMalo: thats all
UrbanEsMalo: ignorance is power in the hands of a few
UrbanEsMalo: they get away with everything, because people can't believe it, don't care, or are just flat ignorant to whats going on
UrbanEsMalo: Have i told you the stuff Merck was doing with the cervical cancer shot?

Summer Berdin: yes

UrbanEsMalo: how they lobbied the governor of texas to make it mandated?

Summer Berdin: in texas
Summer Berdin: yes

UrbanEsMalo: and it was causing girls to bleed out
UrbanEsMalo: Guess what, we're beating it. The Merck CEO announced she was stepping down
UrbanEsMalo: that theyre going to stop lobbying for it
UrbanEsMalo: why? You get people to talk
UrbanEsMalo: thats it

Summer Berdin: well, im hoping the job i get tomorrow will be to help inform the people, not confuse them into submission

Awww... how cute

2007-02-22T01:08:00.000-08:00

I walk into my room and Cleo's butt is sticking out from under my bookcase, tail dancing in the wind.

She must have found the leopard print mouse toy.

Random:
- 2 of the 3 40watt lightbulbs in the bathroom were out, so I replaced them with 3 60watt FUSION RAY bulbs. Now everytime I flip the switch it's so bright it's bordering on the obscene.
- Me and Louie hung out for a day. Like- Hung Out. Like- at the mall and the arcade and stuff. AWESOME. Haven't done that in years!
- It's 1AM and I work tomorrow morning (part-time Spa job). Why am I still up? Because of 10 Things I Hate About You. And I'm loving every second of it.
- I made the most awesomely thorough, completely conclusive 'Character Developement' packets EVER IN LIFE tonight. I should patent them! (Hopefully fullcircle.com doesn't mind that I stole 99% of it from them haha.) Character bios here I come!

Refreshing Honesty at Night

2007-02-21T18:09:00.000-08:00

My last week at E! was (predictably) busy, but the anxiety was brought to climatic upheaval because of the recent death of Anna Nicole Smith. All around me people were cursing her name due to the added amounts of quick turnaround work dealt their way by her passing. Because of my leaving I was left out of all but the urgent projects, so my mindset tackling each job was different and not so personal.

And it was sad, watching the people around me.

I might have said this before, but E! Entertainment is to TV like MacDonalds is to a well-balanced diet. It's quick, mindless, and not healthy for you. Despite the good gloss it has going to make it look respectable (like popular host Ryan Seacrest), it still- deep down- is no better than the National Enquirer. I have worked on projects that have picked at and scrutinized people SO MUCH (for everything from physical looks to personality to talent) that the average person without "celebrity status" would have had good cause to file harrassment claims- and WIN, no less- against the channel. It's quite bad, and emotionally unstable people (like Anna Nicole), who obviously need some personal time and space to deal with their problems, are batted around viciously without the blink of an eye for the hopes of "good ratings" .

My coworkers (and probably me as well, if I had not been quiting) instead of having some sense of respect for the dead, sat on the day of Anna Nicole's death and cursed her name... and the work they were responsible for making aided to more public speculation and scrutiny of the now dead ANS by the millions of viewers who gobbled up the gossip that night.

Like a black hole, I guess.

Anyway, Pete showed me something quite refreshing today. Craig Ferguson from the Late Late Show recently opened an episode with a different kind of monologue - a heartfelt one, dealing kinda with the same issue that I just mentioned. You can see it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bbaRyDLMvA

It's nice to see. Chris told me once that my work at E! was not pointless... otherwise "how else would you have known how stupid all that stuff was?"

Better words were never said, sir. If I had never worked there, I would still be watching that tripe today. Maybe that's why I've become so 'environmentally & politically boheme'. :)

Random:
- Speaking of boheme, I've applied for an environmental activist job where I'd be making brochures and speaking to people to raise public awareness about ways to cut down on pollution (and to get their votes in for new regulations!) in the state of California. If I got it, I would be a Vegan Environmental Activist. Weird. James put it nicely: "You would be the most annoying person on earth." Haha.
- It's weird that once I get out of the daily grind Angel gets into it. Let's hope the tables completely turn and I get an exciting travel job!
- Started character outlines & bios! As soon as these are done (shooting for friday) I can start writing the first draft of the book! HELLZ YEAH!

Transition

2007-02-19T14:23:00.000-08:00

The last 3 weeks have been so.... weird. No. Hectic? No. Exciting? No.

Transitional.

To start off with: I quit E!.

Friday was my last day. Wow... let me say that again. Friday was my last day. Wow.

Seeing as I try to be professional with things of that matter, I gave in my two weeks notice two weeks ago. But I said I've had 3 random weeks, so let's back track a bit.

Events in chronological order, from past to present:

Fri, Sat, Sun - We filmed Peter's movie "The Punching Dummy"
Sat - Andy came back from Switzerland for 2 weeks
Mon - Started the 2nd draft of my book's outline
Wed - Mental breakdown at work, a public fight with bossman Bryan, and walked out
Thurs - Began an internship helping a vegan chef write her first book
Sat - Filmmaker House BarBQ celebration
Sun - Filmmaker House Superbowl BarBQ
Mon - Turned in 2 weeks notice
Tues - Halfway through 2nd draft outline
Wed - CSI location scouts knock on our door and ask if they can film at our house
Fri - CSI crew bring in plants and background material
Sat - Bye Bye Andy :(
Sat #2 - Rikka's in from Finland! Spend night with her
Sun - Work the Grammy's (12 hours, bleh- 2pm to 2am)
Mon - 5am CSI comes to house, films all day
Mon #2 - Saw Pan's Labyrinth
Tues, Wed, Thurs - Interview, after Interview, after Interview
Thurs #2 - Goodbye lunch with E! crew
Thurs #3 - Finish 2nd Outline of Book!!!
Fri - Last day. Surprise goodbye cake from E! crew, Drinks at night
Sat - Depression
Sun - Clean my room
Today - Excitement. Possibly start first draft of book?!

*whew*

Putting everything in a list like that is kinda cool in a way- you can see (a little) how the events in my life connected and led up to E!'s ultimate demise. It was full of signs from above showing me what I came to California (and am ultimately not working some random job at home) for.

The 2 most common questions I got in my last 2 weeks at E! were: "Why?" and "Where are you going next?", to which I would reply:

"I'm writing a book and need more time to work on it. I'll just get temp jobs or small jobs until it's done."

This is true. I want to finish my book before June (so I can shop it around for the rest of the year and hopefully have it published before my 25th birthday in 2008). Working at E! is a hinderance because I know too much about my job and naturally am inclined to work as hard as I can to get it done, which includes my own insane insistance on helping during my off-hours.

But something else made me quit too. Bryan thinks it's because we fought (I know he does, even though he says he doesn't). Not true. I'm ashamed of the fact that I had to walk out of my job- it shows a lack of dependibility on my part- but I'm glad I did. To be dramatic: it was a turning point.

I was mad initially because of something stupid... someone had called me in the morning to ask for help on something. I'm the only person who knows about certain aspects of my job so naturally people will (and do) call. But that day I was tired from having stayed up all night for the last 4 nights working on Peter's film and my book outline, and being woken up during my first few hours of sleep for the week was unpleasant.

So it all spiraled out of control and I went home. And after simmering, I had a good think. And voila! Turning point:

I work hard enough at E! to ask for a raise.

I shudder now to remember it. After a weekend chalk full of creativity, and a Monday and Tuesday of self-art progression, my first thought when it came to work was "more money." I had become corporate. The temp job I had taken for the sake of "making the rent" a year and a half ago (the one I had refused to be promoted in for almost 2 months because of my fear of become familiar) had now become some obsessive materialistic means to an end. Think Devil Wears Prada.

That weekend, when I realized what I had become, I wrote my resignation letter.

Of course, when people at E! asked me why I was leaving, I took out that part :)

Anywhoo, pictures:

Behind the Scenes of "The Punching Dummy":

Andy was back! (For just 2 weeks). Here he is saying hello to my computer:

Behind the Scenes of CSI "Episode 18":

Here's some footage I took of them filming a take with Gary Dourdan:

What's next for me? I'll work temp jobs or whatever to make the bills, and focus on writing my book. At the guidance of the vegan chef lady, I'm going on a "cleanse" for the next 2 weeks - where I don't eat anything and drink healthy mixes of herb drinks to flush my system of impurities - and then the week after that I'll be in San Fransisco working in Wondercon. And hopefully after that my short film, Peter's short film, and Louie's short film will all be a part of the Filmmaker's House First Annual Film Festival. Productive, eh?

Random:
- God it feels good to be back on my blog
- Brandi started a "Brandi and Kevin wedding blog" for her bridesmaids so that we can communicate with each other ideas and such. I gotta remember to write on that.
- I saw Famke Jenssen (at a VEGAN restaurant no less!) and Cuba Gooding Jr!
- Pan's Labyrinth is the best movie I've seen in a long time... it's definitely above Little Miss Sunshine, Children of Men and The Departed.
- I ate so much in the last 2 weeks (stress) that this cleanse will do me good. Hopefully I'll take off those added pounds.
- Lea Salonga is my new favorite of the month. Besides the fact that she was the one who sang my favorite rendition of Les Miz's "On My Own" (as well as being THE voice for Jasmine in "A Whole New World"), she's the most important and influential Filipino figure on Broadway today. Hell, she's probably the only filipino figure on Broadway today. This is her, singing "On My Own":

Developements

2007-01-24T13:17:00.000-08:00

YES! HAZZAH! CELEBRATION!!!

I've completed the outline for my book!

Finally, after stressing about it for a week and a half, I sat down last night and poured into 3 1/2 pages the outcome of my beloved tale. Elation! I've sent it off to some entrusted colleagues for critique, and as soon as they get back to me I'm free to start writing.

OMG I can't wait.

AND...

MY BREAKDANCING DVDS COME IN TODAY!!! DOUBLE YAY!

I'll be advancing in BGirl status in no time. This monday I went to the hip hop class at the Meridian. OMG, can I say FUN? And- excruciatingly embarrasing. I looked like Chris Farley on stage at a Justin Timberlake concert... all the people around me (including the illustrious teacher) had been backup dancers in music videos before, and had the moves and physique to proove it. I can't even do the 2-step. But I had a great time :)

BTW, if anybody is interested in stopping global warming, look at this. I'm not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but if you're not gonna at least TRY it for the animals or yourself- try it for the future of human kind. It's a small thing to ask.

I kinda disagree with what the article is saying though. If you really want to make a difference, vegan- not vegetarian- is really the only way to go. Vegetarians still eat eggs, cheese, and milk products, which means that the farms will still continue to exist. Erase the demand, erase the problem.

OH HAPPY DAY!

P.S. I completely agree Angel. Gameday. Hellz yeah! Oh- and I don't think it was the cat that got the milk spit at her... it was the little girl. Hehe.

You Know Who You Are

2007-01-19T01:23:00.000-08:00

You.
I see you.
Don't act like you can't hear me.
I adore you. I worship you. I love you.
This is the thanks I get?

Don't walk away from me while I'm talking to you.

I spend endless hours at work making money for you.
When I come home, I make dinner for you.
I shower you with affection, even if I'm tired, drained, distraught.
I sleep on the far side of the bed! FOR YOU!

I never ask for anything in return.
I don't ask for appreciation.
I don't DARE ask for love...
but dammit, I'd hoped at least our relationship was beyond That.

Poop INSIDE the litter box you %&#*@$ CAT!

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How pathetic. You couldn't even look at the camera for our family picture. I despise you.

MY HERO!!

2007-01-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

Her name is Sofia Boutella. She breakdances.

Girl crush.

I'm so in awe. I wanna be her. Breakdancing has always been something I was interested in... kids in school used to breakdance during lunch and I would watch from afar, staring wonderously at these magical beasts of motion. Juan used to do it in college, too, and I would gasp and stare and be jealous of all the things he could do that I was too afraid to try. Then I saw Sofia's video on youtube last week and I realised- I can do that! So I started to.

For the last couple days I've been practicing... standing on my hands and building upper body strength is mainly where my concentration has been so far. It would be so cool to start on the floor moves after that- I can't wait! I netflixed videos (because I'm poor and cant afford classes) on breakdancing, and those should be coming in *gasp* tomorrow. How awesome. My body tingles with anticipation.

I wanna be a BGirl!

On Random News:

THIS is awesome.
So is THIS update on the UCLA taser "incident."
And THIS is just, well, damn interesting.

Life Notes: Bad in the beginning, but good in the end.

2007-01-18T01:41:00.000-08:00

- I fell out of love today. It was quick, but not painless. Actually- it was quite the opposite. It hurt. A lot. I've only really been in love twice... I know I say I'm in love a lot, but I'm an expert exaggerater and usually when I say I'm in love I'm only infatuated. A few weeks later I've forgotten my infatuation because, most likely, it's been replaced by a new one.

This one was different. This one was LOVE.

When I got up in the morning I would think of him. I would dress carefully, and dress well (even comb my hair and put on makeup!), so that I could be the type of woman he would be attracted to. I started hobbies and gained more knowledge, so as to be an interesting person to be around. I HAD A LIFE, so that mine seemed more whole and appealing.

I made myself a better person. For him.

Every second of my day was lived for him. My future was worth planning- for him. I even *gasp* started seriously thinking about family and marriage. For him.

And then the bubble burst.

I can tell you when. I can probably even tell you how. What I can't tell you is why. It just happened. One minute I was in love, and the next minute there was a dark inside me that grew and grew until I could no longer breathe. My life before that moment suddenly became worthless, and my dreams for my life after were without warning violently erased.

I was left, gasping on the floor, with nothing to hold on to but my own empty shell.

to make matters worse:

- I had forgotten myself. Peter and I spent the night tonight discussing many things, most of which centered around religion. His girlfriend is extremely religious, and up until now he hasn't been too knowledgeable about anything of that field. To help him learn more she bought him a Bible for his birthday, and he brought it out to read me some proverbs that he found interesting... and hearing him read them made me very sad.

I remember when I used to care about being good.

When I was little I read all the time. If I didn't have a new book (which was often) I would re-read the books in my house. One of my favorite things to read was a big old brown book of stories for children dealing with morals and how to be a good person. The stories inside were fairytale-ish, so it didn't seem like preaching to me, but they always ended with a moral or lesson of some sort. Kind of like Aesop's Fables, where messages saying "One Good Thing Deserves Another" appeared at the end of each tale. I remember sitting on my bed, my lamp burning a hole in the dark, and thinking "I need to work harder on being truthful" or "I need to make sure I'm nicer to everyone." I was genuinely affected by this and would make an effort the next day to BE GOOD. Not be good at writing. Not be good at math. Be good AS A PERSON.

I had forgotten that. In my efforts to be cool, worldly, or "more adult" in college (and even now) I hid away something that was very important to me. My heros became rough necks with guns or loners who could kick ass. I confused my admiration for their self confidence (of which I had none myself) as an admiration for their character traits- i.e. she's cool because she says "Son of a bitch!" and carries a big stick. I despised being called innocent and naive and thought cursing and toughness would cure me of my 'illness'.

What I was really doing was disguising what made me me because I thought "Me" wasn't cutting it.

I was wrong. I have been too concerned about the wrong things. The outside things. My success as a person isn't measured by how many films I've done- it's measured by how many people I've helped. By how understanding I am towards someone who is having a bad day, or how honest I can be with the people around me.

I listened to Peter and I was sad. I used to be good, but now I have a long way to go.

*sigh*

Depressing, right? Weird, because today wasn't an all around bad day... actually it was very good. I was sick so I got to stay home, and I spent some quality time with my roomies. I also continued writing the children's book I've been working on.

Oh- BTW- I'm working on a children's book. I didn't tell you before because I thought being excited about it would jinx the whole thing and I would stop working on it after a week, but I've been pretty good. I've been writing almost every day. My self-imposed due date is the end of Jan/early Feb, and the illustrations will be done in June. I'm shooting for Christmas/early 2008 release.

You know- now that I think about it I'm actually pretty happy. Don't get me wrong- I ran to the store and ate a whole carton of soy ice cream after the 'out of love' thing (and will probably be silently depressed for quite some time), but as a whole I think I'm pretty ok.

I guess I'm so happy about writing that even a broken heart can't completely destroy my joy. Random. I can see why guys find girl emotions so confusing.

Powers of Assumption

2007-01-15T17:00:00.000-08:00

I was very awkward growing up, and any kind of public embarrasment would instill itself so solidly in my mind that even now- even though I'm a little more confident, a little more self assured- they still resonate through my life.

Take the case of Mrs. _____'s high school "distance learning" class. Sam Houston High School, being as it were very much ghetto, did get props for having access to high technology. I got to try my hand at 3D animation while I was there, as well as some semblance of neanderthalic film cameras.

I even got to be in their first ever Distance Learning experiment.

Distance Learning is, in all sense of the word, that. 2 classes from 2 different locations (for us, 2 classes at 2 different schools in the same school district) would share lessons via satellite by using strategically placed cameras & microphones at the head of each student's desk, wired to big screen TVs at the front of the classroom. A single teacher would then switch, spending a week at each school and transfering over the next week.

So any kind of public embarrasment to be had was- because fate is always funny- doubled.

I remember walking into class the second week of school. We had our first paper due and, being a thorough student, I had gone all out and put complete headings on mine, considering that every teacher that semester swore allegence to the 'headings' way of life. Mrs. ______ called roll and with each person's name we had to turn in our paper. My last name starts with a B, so I was ready when she called me first.

"What is this?" she asked, looking down at my masterpiece.

"It's my assignment." I said.

"This heading is all wrong. I need a cover page."

Floored, but for only a split second, I shrugged "whatever, ok", sounded an apology, and sat down. My thinking: So I made a mistake... her curriculum in no way stated "Essay Format Rules", but I'll do better next time. Oops.

Somewhere in my heart I like to fantasize that when Mrs. ______ was very little she was terrorized at night by the "Whatever Man." I have hopes that he hid in her closet and shocked her at all hours of the night with horrific images of post-pubescence shrugging off her every word. It is the only logical explanation to the look of disgust she proceeded to form on her face.

"Everyone take note of Ms. Berdin's attitude today." She said, making sure to frame the main classroom camera into a close up of my shocked face. "Don't think that you can turn in work however you want and I'll just be happy to get it."

Fury.

"What are you talking about?" I said.

"You did the assignment wrong, Ms. Berdin." A sea of faces, all familiar, turned towards me. A wave of new ones repeated the action on the big screen.

"How did I do it wrong? Because I didn't put a cover page? Every other teacher in this school
has format instructions for HEADINGS in their curriculum, and since you didn't I only assumed-"

Her hand went up. I stopped, and she strutted over to the magnetic board with the motion censor camera following her every move. In big letters, she jotted:

to ASSUME
makes an
ASS out of U and ME

And so goes my American high school education.

I am reminded of that episode because I spent some time watching the LA filipino channel today. I'm an idiot, and don't speak tagalog, but it was nice hearing the words so I kept the volume up real loud and pretended to understand. After a while I started to, and on one of their shows a roundtable discussion began about whether or not American-raised filipino kids were ruder than their homeland counterparts.

And a statement jumped out at me.

"In the Philippines, children are raised to assume. If a mother asks her son to take the clothes out of the dryer, it is assumed that the son will fold them and put them away. If a father is bringing groceries out of the car, it is assumed (by both parties) that the child will help.

In America, though, children are raised to be instructed. If a mother asks her son to take out the clothes, she must then instruct her son to fold them or he will not know he needs to do it. If the father does not ask for his child's help with the groceries, the child will not see a need to do so.

The conflict comes when Filipinos from the homeland bring values that their children are not exposed to here. A mother will think her son is rude for not folding the clothes, while the son will think his requested work is done and merely not understand why the mother is angry."

Validation.

I am not saying an American upbringing is wrong- I am American, and I at times fit into both molds from the examples above. I am very proud of the American in me (as much as I am of the Filipino), and idiotic sayings from ignorant teachers such as Mrs. _____ will not make me believe that all of America lacks the talent of assumption. But in MY upbringing I was raised to not need guidance when it comes to my work. My bosses have always praised me on the fact that I can pick up on problem areas at the office and start motions to getting them corrected- all without needing to be told- while others will wait for their instruction. It's an obvious thing to me where in others it might be alien, and apparently it's because of the culture that raised me.

And so the power that I hold, the power of assumption that got me public ridicule in Mrs. _____'s Distance Learning class all those years ago, is the same power that gives me praise and credibility in all the projects that I undertake now.

And now I don't look at that ridicule as a failure made by me, but as a triumph. I'm no longer embarrased.

I can't tell you anymore stories about our beloved Mrs. _____, because halfway through the semester I got fed up and dropped out of her class. Actually, I dropped out of school entirely, opting for my GED instead. It wasn't because of her- I don't want to flatter her in thinking my life was ruled by her snide remarks- but many other things put together (and THAT subject, analyzing the public school phenomena, wont be brought up here). Later, on my final visit to the school counselor to sign over my independence, in a last ditch effort to keep me afloat she dropped a folder in my lap.

"It's an invitation to meet the President of the United States. Only 2 students were picked out of our school to go this year, out of only 5 students in our district. You were one of them."

I said no thanks.

I was through with it, done with it all. I reasoned that sometime in my life I would be offered to meet more important people, and those could make up for the one I had to miss then. But, out of curiosity, I opened the folder. Inside were testimonials of my hard work, community efforts, and social respectability from teachers I knew and- surprisingly- teachers I had never met. A required 20 testimonials were needed for application submission to meet the President, and I had 32. Personally, I only knew 10 of the people whose letters lay in my hand. Everyone else had written with blind faith.

How's that for assumption?

Please God, Not another one

2007-01-11T23:33:00.000-08:00

Bush's Christmas present to the world? Another war.

Look here, and here, and here.

Happy new year everyone.

2007-01-07T22:11:00.000-08:00

"The moment a person finds his voice
is the moment his life takes on grace."

-Lady In the Water

But you can dip your feet, every once and a little while

2007-01-04T14:03:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

I've been typing, and subsequently erasing what I've typed, for the last 30 minutes. I want to find an eloquent way of describing how amazing my week at home was for the holidays, but there really is only one way I can put it.

I didn't want to leave.

It wasn't so much being in Texas (god love me if I insult Texas, but it's no LA), nor was it some amazing, unique adventure; or an exciting, exhilarating ride... it was just...

*sigh*

I dunno... how can I explain this where you'd understand?...

There's that moment- that split second- after you've fallen, or been punched, or sneezed too hard; that silent second in life when you are suddenly surrounded by brilliant bubbles of light. You "see stars". They swim through your vision in flickering flashes, and the more your try to focus on individual pieces the more the whole bunch allude your grasp.

And when you finally come to everything has disappeared and what is left is a little less of what you thought it was, because it can never be what you just saw.

... does that make any sense?

haha sorry :) I'll get to the pictures now...

THE UNVIELING!
Finally, people the world over get to experience the exquisite beauty that is Cameron Addison Byrd. Look at her folks... isn't she lovely? Actually... aren't ALL of my nieces lovely? I have a faint suspicion that they are the reason songs get sung.

And of course... they wouldn't be so great if it weren't for THE GREATEST FAMILY IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE. (Thanks Juan for the brilliant photography):

My family is amazing. I don't know if I ever mentioned before, but I was terrified of coming home because of how hard it would be to say no to all of the Filipino food I couldn't eat. But I didn't have to! My parents ROCK. They had tofu, and chicken and ham substitutes, and vegan takeout, and edible snacks- I probably ate more in that week then I have in a whole year. And it was nice being around them... I forgot how much I missed seeing them in front of me. I love you guys!

I think about 98.9% of my time was spent with my neices. No, I'm wrong... more like 99.9999999% (I forgot to include the EVERY WAKING MOMENT stuff in my last calculation.) I mostly spent it with Keianna, painting her room, building her trampoline, and being guardian extraordinare at Six Flags. I could complain (and I did) but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't some of the most fun I've ever had.

BTW, if my own Dad weren't already the Greatest Dad In Life I would say that Keianna had him. BK spent his whole Tuesday making that trampoline (in of itself a feat that should be included in Herculean definition). And get this: he did it while listening to Keianna's latest Disney pop CD on REPEAT.

Repeat, folks. THATS Herculean.

Side note: RIP Super NoHoVas. My beloved black and blue striped shoes got muddy during the building and Keianna and I placed them in the washing machine for a cleaning... only to find 6 miniature shoe parts after the first cycle was done.

A Moment of Silence.

Anywhoo... I realized lately that my poor camera hasn't been getting any play. I didn't take half as many pictures as I should have this year, but I guess that just proves how great a time I had. For instance, I had a blast during unwrapping time, but the only photos I took were after the fact, when my parents were inspecting theirs:

Daddy got a new digital camera (I expect to see more pictures now for you at home!) and Mommy got a foot massager (which she promptly returned the next day... hehe sorry Mommy).

My Christmas present? I got to spend some time with old (dear) friends. Christmas morning I went to the Meals on Wheels thingy I mentioned before- and guess who accompanied me? Juan!

Poor Juan... ignoring his advice, on one of our last deliveries I decided Mommy's minivan could handle the mud, and instead I expertly got stuck in it. Juan's so lovely, he got out to try and push, but the van didn't budge. Luckily our current Meals and Wheels recipient just happened to be a (?)retired(?) tow truck driver, and he helped us out of the hole.

I had so much fun during Meals on Wheels: I advise anyone interested to venture into that territory (especially if you have such an awesome friend with you). We were given two coolers (one with warm meals, another with milk and snacks) and a big box of gifts to hand out. Then they handed us a list of places to go and sent us on our way. It was great- and pretty heartwarming, since most of the people we delivered food to werent actually spending their Christmas alone.

Some were, though. :( And one lady asked us to come visit her later... I wish I remember where she lived...

Our last lady (Gloria?) was probably one of our first, but she didn't answer the door when we originally came so we went back. The tow truck guy took the last gift bag, milk & cookies (apparently we were short), so we stopped by a gas station and bought her a flower and some cookies. She was sweet too.

Juan spent Christmas day with us (his family celebrates it the night before). It was cool... after all the presents and stuff we went bowling/gaming at Main Event, and TRIED to play Ryan's Atari (we kept dying hehe).

I got to finally hang out with Chau, too... and she's one that I haven't seen in ages. Lucas, Chau and babies (can you believe that she has TWO?!) came up all the way from Austin to say hello. I had to stop myself from going back down with them. God. I remember meeting Chau in first grade (we bonded because we were the only people in class that read books for fun). She hasn't changed at all- she's still the same happy girl I've always loved (though no longer little, and no longer a girl).

I got to hang out with Bran and Dominic too... but I'm so dumb- I forgot to take pictures! Brandi has a new apartment in Lewisville that she shares with Kevin and Jared (I finally got to meet Jared), and it's really cute. Her dog- well, not so much... but that's ok :) Of all my friends from my Arlington life Brandi is the one I am closest with, and it showed the night I visited her. We didn't really do anything- we didn't have to. It was just nice being near each other again.

I'm coming back in July, for a month. I promise. I will be there for your wedding.

I also hung out with Dominic (albeit for only a couple hours). haha- good ol' Dominic. He's finishing college, and is gonna try for a master's degree in buisness. (He also says "Hi Angel & Bim!").

New Years was a blast too... Juan was nice enough to let me tag along with he and his sister (and her jolly good fellow boyfriend Matt- who is the most lovely "corpulent" man I've ever met hehe {not at all}). And I finally got to meet The Nephew! We'd heard about it all during college, and he's delicious! He reminds me of Lance and Cef when they were little and we would play Ninja Turtles on the stairs.

I miss hanging out with Juan. I miss hanging out with all of them: the brave few who came into my life and became my friends. Christmas and New Years made me realize that more than anything. I secluded myself a little too much last year... let's not do it again this time around.

...

Well... that's the bare bones of it. I'm reading it now and it's nothing like it was- what I wrote is just the skeletal remains of it. But that's ok- It's mine to have and bringing it out will only kill it more.

Resolutions:
Just one. Finish something.

I hope everyone had as great a time as I did. If you had half as much fun then that means you had the world.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAMERON ADDISON BYRD!!!

2006-12-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

Hazel and BK had another baby today!! YAY!!

(Mommy- does this mean I don't owe you any anymore?)

STATS
Sex: Female
Name: Cameron Addison Byrd
Weight: 8lbs and 13ounces
Height: 20inches

That's about all I know so far... as soon as I get pictures I'll put them up :) I'm going home in a week anyway, so maybe I'll just take my own!

Now that my heart is invested in 3 future adults, my devastation over the plight of the world has gone into overdrive. It doesn't help that we watched "Who Killed The Electric Car" today at the house.

Depressing. Really.

I cried. Louie- who had seen it already before- didn't, but he admitted to me that he was crying like a baby the first time he saw it. The futility is endless. On the way to work I almost decided to go on a Gandhi-esque media-heavy fast (of course- my overdramatic imagination made it into a "breaking world news" primetime event)... but that lead me to a heavier question.

What can we do?

It's time our generation started a revolution. Others before us have done it, why can't we? There are SO MANY THINGS going on that are SO WRONG... WE need to take control or nobody else will!

No, I didn't stay up watching 'V for Vendetta' all night. But I did just become an aunt 3 times over, and the welfare of the ones I love is worth it enough for me to care more than those who don't.

I'm busy this weekend with, ironicly, volunteer stuff (cleaning up a shelter for mistreated animals - yay! - and seeing if there are other homeless organizations in LA than those who say "Go to Skid Row") but once I'm done, I've got to figure this stuff out. I can't sit still until I know that there's something I (WE!) can do to help stop us from destroying ourselves.

interested? come with me!

2006-12-13T23:39:00.000-08:00

On Christmas Day (Monday, December 25, 2006) VNA Meals on Wheels will deliver hot meals to 2,500 homebound seniors and disabled persons throughout Dallas County. A central meal distribution point (1440 W. Mockingbird Dallas, TX 75247) will be used for volunteers to pick up their pre-assigned delivery routes between 8:30am and 9:30am. Volunteers will be given a map, client list, two food coolers (hot and cold foods), and a holiday gift bag for each client on their route. Once the route is finished the empty coolers are returned to the meal distribution point by noon. This is a great family opportunity! For many of our clients you will be the only person they see on Christmas Day. Help us make the holiday bright!

I'm human too

2006-12-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

Being Vegan doesn't change that fact... SO LEAVE ME ALONE!

&$%#*!!!

I'm tired of ignorance, people. I know I have to learn to live with it, but sometimes- like now- it's just a little too much to handle. (Especially since, technically speaking, my humanity should not be in question here. Aren't I even more humane then someone who eats living creatures?)

And I don't care if you're not. Really, I don't. That's why I don't bring up that fact during conversation (unlike you). That's why I don't critique your food, or your life, and judge you by the way you live it (unlike you). Really... I don't even give a shit what you do with yourself- why do you care so much about me?

And (and I hate to say this) if it still bothers you THAT MUCH that I don't eat meat, just think of as a gift to you. You can have more now, because I don't want my share.

HAPPY?! GET OVER YOURSELF!

There are much more important things going on in the world right now that you should be worried about. Like, for instance: Genocide. Pollution. Poverty. Destruction. You are of the top 2% of all society in our world. Look outside yours, and see what's really going on.

God. Really... (unmentioned) ignorant people made me break my blog-fast, I'm so mad!

*sigh*

While I'm at it, I might as well do some Random Thoughts:
- I miss my blog, but I love my life :)
- Shannon and Roberto had a baby boy! Yay!
- Is it too late to sign up for environmentalist/activist/underground resistance leader? Where do I line up for that job?
- Mad Hot Ballroom. Hot.
- I changed my mind on the Peace Corps, yes, but technically I still have a year to turn in my application. I'm still filling it out. So I still have a year to change my mind back. Maybe I'll give it a chance after all...
- Our new Christmas tree is up and pretty at the Filmmaker House. I dubbed him Zissou :)
- New Hero: Wes Anderson. I've always loved him, but for some reason I've gotten closer to him in the last few weeks. Coen Brothers and Noah Baumbach aren't far behind, but Wes makes me cry happy tears.
- I've lost more weight as a vegan than I ever did before. I only have about 10 pounds to go until I reach my "normal" weight!
- This year I've decided instead of Christmas presents I'm donating money to charities of peoples' choice. If you'd like me to do that for you this Christmas, let me know :)

Slight differences are no less different than big ones...

2006-11-28T20:21:00.000-08:00

...and are usually much more noticeable.

I love my blog, more than I love myself. It gives me a freedom from myself yet, at the same time, brings me closer to me. Does that make any sense? I dunno. Unfortunately, despite it all, for reasons unexplained whenever big things happen in my life that are more worthy of being written about than most others, I stop writing.

And now, for a short while, it's gonna happen again.

I'm sorry guys, I can't explain... but hopefully I will write again very soon. So as not to leave you completely out in the proverbial cold:

Random Thoughts:
-The holidays get better every year.
-And colder.
-Happy Birthday Darryl, David & Bean! (The last of which, Mommy, explains a pricey sum on my bank account at the local bowling alley, as well as a Vegan resturant shortly thereafter)
-Also, while I'm at it- though my bank account reflects otherwise, I'm not going on a "eating out" rampage... I'm just paying back people who have paid for my meals before(since I have some extra dough).
-A clean room does wonders
-So does Mountain Dew (not in a good way)
-Foosball tournaments should be on the list of 'Things that can make people exhilarated and devastated at the same time'
-GO COWBOYS!
-Welcome back home Bran!
-RIP Rikka's brother(?)/uncle(?)/dad(?)... as well as the mother of the animal pyshic lady :(
-Shannon started a 2 week stay in the hospital on the day after Thanksgiving, so that the doctors can watch her and her (unborn)baby closely. Prayers for her, Roberto, and baby Bobby please!
-I would say prayers for Hazel, as well (who is due in the next few weeks), but SINCE SHE NEVER ANSWERS THE PHONE I can't tell you how it's going.
-Thanksgiving Day thanks: to the "supreme sky guy" who works overtime to make my veganism the easiest choice I ever made (go to www.certifiedhumane.com to see how I nixed my meat desires on Thanksgiving Day)
-Not to forget on Thanksgiving Day: you(Americans specifically) MUST look outside what America and it's government/big business-run news channels want you to see and open your eyes to what is actually happening. You have the internet. Use it.
-Lastly (because I hate to end this with a downer) I'm finally getting over the fact that I was born a girl. Who woulda thunk it?

Community responds to Taser use in Powell

2006-11-16T16:21:00.000-08:00

see corresponding video footage below

An incident late Tuesday night in which a UCLA student was stunned at least four times with a Taser has left the UCLA community questioning whether the university police officers' use of force was an appropriate response to the situation.

Mostafa Tabatabainejad, a UCLA student, was repeatedly stunned with a Taser and then taken into custody when he did not exit the CLICC Lab in Powell Library in a timely manner. Community Service Officers had asked Tabatabainejad to leave after he failed to produce his BruinCard during a random check at around 11:30 p.m. Tuesday.

UCPD Assistant Chief of Police Jeff Young said the checks are a standard procedure in the library after 11 p.m.

"Because of the safety of the students we limit the use after 11 to just students, staff and faculty," Young said.

Young said the CSOs on duty in the library at the time went to get UCPD officers when Tabatabainejad did not immediately leave, and UCPD officers resorted to use of the Taser when Tabatabainejad did not do as he was told.

A six-minute video showed Tabatabainejad audibly screaming in pain as he was stunned several times with a Taser, each time for three to five seconds. He was told repeatedly to stand up and stop fighting, and was told that if he did not do so he would "get Tased again."

Tabatabainejad was also stunned with the Taser when he was already handcuffed, said Carlos Zaragoza, a third-year English and history student who witnessed the incident.

"(He was) no possible danger to any of the police," Zaragoza said. "(He was) getting shocked and Tasered as he was handcuffed."

But Young said at the time the police likely had no way of knowing whether the individual was armed or that he was a student.

As Tabatabainejad was being dragged through the room by two officers, he repeated in a strained scream, "I'm not fighting you" and "I said I would leave."

The officers used the "drive stun" setting in the Taser, which delivers a shock to a specific part of the body with the front of the Taser, Young said.

A Taser delivers volts of low-amperage energy to the body, causing a disruption of the body's electrical energy pulses and locking the muscles, according to a report by the American Civil Liberties Union.

"It's an electrical shock. ... It causes pain," Young said, adding that the drive stun would not likely demobilize a person or cause residual pain after the shock was administered. Young also said a Taser is less forceful than a baton, for example.

But according to a study published in the Lancet Medical Journal in 2001, a charge of three to five seconds can result in immobilization for five to 15 minutes, which would mean that Tabatabainejad could have been physically unable to stand when the officers demanded that he do so.

"It is a real mistake to treat a Taser as some benign thing that painlessly brings people under control," said Peter Eliasberg, managing attorney at the ACLU of Southern California.

"The Taser can be incredibly violent and result in death," Eliasberg said.

According to an ACLU report, 148 people in the United States and Canada have died as a result of the use of Tasers since 1999.

During the altercation between Tabatabainejad and the officers, bystanders can be heard in the video repeatedly asking the officers to stop and requesting their names and identification numbers. The video showed one officer responding to a student by threatening that the student would "get Tased too." At this point, the officer was still holding a Taser.

Such a threat of the use of force by a law enforcement officer in response to a request for a badge number is an "illegal assault," Eliasberg said.

"It is absolutely illegal to threaten anyone who asks for a badge â€" that's assault," he said.

Tabatabainejad was released from custody after being given a citation for obstruction/delay of a peace officer in the performance of duty.

Neither Tabatabainejad nor his family were giving interviews Wednesday.

Police officers said they determined the use of Tasers was necessary when Tabatabainejad did not do as they asked.

According to a UCPD press release, Tabatabainejad went limp and refused to exit as the officers attempted to escort him out. The release also stated Tabatabainejad "encouraged library patrons to join his resistance." At this point, the officers "deemed it necessary to use the Taser in a "drive stun' capacity."

"He wasn't cooperative; he wouldn't identify himself. He resisted the officers," Young said.

Neither the video footage nor eyewitness accounts of the events confirmed that Tabatabainejad encouraged resistance, and he repeatedly told the officers he was not fighting and would leave.

Tabatabainejad was walking with his backpack toward the door when he was approached by two UCPD officers, one of whom grabbed the student's arm. In response, Tabatabainejad yelled at the officers to "get off me." Following this demand, Tabatabainejad was stunned with a Taser.

UCPD and the UCLA administration would not comment on the specifics of the incident as it is still under investigation.

In a statement released Wednesday, Interim Chancellor Norman Abrams said investigators were reviewing the situation and the officers' actions.

"I can assure you that these reviews will be thorough, vigorous and fair," Abrams said.

The incident, which Zaragoza described as an example of "police brutality," left many students disturbed.

"I realize when looking at these kind of arrest tapes that they don't always show the full picture. ... But that six minutes that we can watch just seems like it's a ridiculous amount of force for someone being escorted because they forgot their BruinCard," said Ali Ghandour, a fourth-year anthropology student.

"It certainly makes you wonder if something as small as forgetting your BruinCard can eventually lead to getting Tased several times in front of the library," he added.

Edouard Tchertchian, a third-year mathematics student, said he was concerned that the student was not offered any other means of showing that he was a UCLA student.

Sadness

2006-11-16T15:51:00.000-08:00

An Iranian UCLA student is handcuffed then tasered for refusing to show school ID in the library.

Where is the news on this?

NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

2006-11-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

despair

*sob*

Now I truely am alone.

:(

Life on Mars

2006-11-13T23:30:00.000-08:00

Busy!

The last few days are a mash of mess in my memory... I can't decifer one from the other.

But I will try :)

Thursday
Come in early (10am) to shoot the E! Dr.90210 Christmas commercial. Italian producer Vivi came up with the idea and a bunch of us volunteered to come in and do it. OMG SO MUCH FUN! Studio B was set up pretty sparsely (white background, one main light and one fill light w/a boom). What I (and the others) had to do was step in front of the camera alone and say what we wanted for Christmas- plastic surgery-wise. I know, I know... the feminist/naturalist in me is dying slowly of torture for my intrepid acts, but the hollywood-hungry sellout in me is thrilled. Vivi gave us a list of things we could say, but also mentioned that we could make up things we thought were good.

Among the possible things to say on Vivi's list:
"I want botox on my temple"
"I want breast augmentation"
"I want a nose job"

Among the things ACTUALLY said during the shoot:
"I want implants on the small toe in my left foot"
"I want a round, perfectly shaped ass" (said with a VERY SERIOUS FACE by my big scottish bossman Stephen)
"I want anal bleaching, you know... to raise my confidence"

And, lastly, the things that I said:
"I want EVERYTHING"
"I want to augment my left buttock"
"I want to get rid of my 3rd nipple"

hehe :)

Also... my design for the Halloween Conference Room Bash helped the international department win 1st place among all of E!, and apparently some unexpected recognition. A promo producer came to my desk and asked if I could be the Art Director for a new commercial he was planning. The job? Create a miniature replica of the "Central Perk" from the tv show Friends for a hand puppet reinactment of the opening scene. Would I be interested?

Resounding: YES

Due Date: the following monday.

Panic. I stayed up until 5am wrestling with how I should do everything, and contemplating my design.

Friday
I came in early (again) to attend the screening party for the commercials. We all sat in Big Bonference Room 3A, ate snacks, and laughed hysterically at each person's turn. People would stop by the more we laughed... and soon there was a huge crowd. Awesome.

Had a small meeting with the commercial producer. He gave me relative creative freedom with only a few restrictions. An artist's dream!

Because of a technical error, worked until 4:30am. Bossman Bryan let me crash at his place, and then... bright and early at 10am on Saturday morning..

Saturday
.. came back to work to help with- of all things- ACCOUNTING. Bryan is the best boss ever- he bought us lunch for coming in. Finished at 3:30pm

4:30pm got home and straight from there started working on the set. I plopped down on the living room floor and made myself a permanent fixture to behold by all... Chris came in and joined me (he had a comic strip that was due with about the same amount of turnaround time) and we kept popping movie after movie into the dvd player to keep us company.

I collapsed and dragged myself to bed at 2am. I hadnt moved from the spot AT ALL.

Sunday
Woke up at 8am, showered, and resumed living room control. Again, Chris, movies, and work until about 3:30-4am. Again, never moving.

Monday
Deep, drowning despair. It's crunch time! Woke up at 9, worked until noon.... finally finished the main set pieces and the furniture. Then got ready for work and brought everything with me.

And the producer loved it!

And now I am working (til midnight, my usual shift) and then when I get home I need to do the finishing touches and be fresh and ready by 9am tomorrow, when we actually shoot the commercial.

All I want is to sleep.

...

And I'm starting to think that my choice to stay in LA was a good one. :)

Hometown Loving

2006-11-11T01:35:00.000-08:00

I never really thought I would grow up and live in the U.S. I always wanted to live in a villa in Italy, a fort in Scotland, or a rice hut in Japan... some hermit-like abode near water and nature that screamed magical. I never thought anything in America could be old-world enough for me to like it. Now, though, I think I found a couple places that might suit me just fine.

#1 Shelter Cove http://www.sheltercove-lostcoast.com/
Located in northern California, this place boasts not just a magical name (the area it's in is called the "Lost Coast"), but a very sparse population and- the kicker- BLACK SAND BEACHES from which you can whale watch. It's mostly retirees and weird rich hippies living there, so it's perfect for me!

#2 Bakersfield, Vermont
While I was looking for the Photo of the Week I came upon a woman's photo page that blew my heart into bits. See for yourself: http://www.flickr.com/photos/63348497@N00/
She's from Bakersfield, and upon further inspection I found out that Bakersfield boasts a mere 1,000 + residency and (judging by her pictures) is CHALK FULL of magical natural things to enjoy. Although it's not near the beach, it is surrounded by rivers and streams. Heaven on earth, if you ask me.

Anywhoo... this is kind of out of the blue, but I didnt want to forget about these places so I figured what better way to remember than by putting them in blog form?

Desperately

2006-11-08T22:23:00.000-08:00

run inside and lock the door
but still she follows me
knocking through the glee
please bother me no more

seeping past my skin i sit
and watch the silence fall
but still it's ever there
those memories to recall

and worst of all i know ive dropped the ball
i suddenly got lost inside the wall
i'm running from me
the little girl that i see
reflections of the dreams i'll never be

Desperately
she calls me through the glass
past fears i cant surpass
why cant she just go away?

Desperately
though each day is less perfect than last
with glimmers of broken dreams cast
she grabs for me desperately

lean against the wall
i feel the cold against my skin
i hear her crying call
shes trying to get in

cant she see that i will never
be a different way
expect a better me
she's reaching for yesterday

and worst of all it's me who has to pay
this pain i feel will never go away
all i can be
isnt coming from me
failure is all that's left for her to see

Desperately
she calls me through the glass
past fears i cant surpass
why cant she just go away?

Desperately
though each day is less perfect than last
with glimmers of broken dreams cast
she grabs for me desperately

$@*#&

2006-11-08T12:14:00.000-08:00

WHAT IS WRONG WITH CALIFORNIA?!

honestly... Prop 87 is the best thing I could have ever seen happen to California. It was the most adamantly pushed Prop BY BOTH PARTIES on the west coast.

And what do we do?

We vote no.

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

Do people even know what "voting" means?! Do they even read the ballots?! COME ON! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

Also, if you take a look, the STUPID PEOPLE are voting no on same sex marriage. BY A LANDSLIDE. Surprisingly, they are voting yes on legalizing abortion and are having a close-but-no-cigar race on legalized marijuana. It shocks me, really. I thought abortion & drugs were more taboo subjects than same sex marriage, but apparently the IGNORANT PRUDES OF AMERICA are MORE AFRAID of two happy people in love than killing innocent little ones (btw- I'm very pro choice) and supporting oversees druglords (I'm ok with MaryJ). But then again, I guess that's obvious what WITH THE WAR and all.

Whatever.

In other news, I've made my new years resolution 2 months early (drumroll please):

STICK TO A BUDGET

My debt is not gonna go away if I ignore it.

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!!!!... and "Veganism is The Matrix" by Summer Berdin

2006-11-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

TAKE THAT B*TCHES!!!

DEMOCRATS RULE!

Finally, after YEARS of wondering WTF America was (not)thinking, FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY the smart people have reached the front of the line.

I am PROUD to be an American today!

F*CK YOU REPUBLICANS! F*CK YOU BUSH! F*CK YOUR WAR! F*CK YOUR POLLUTION-MAKING-CHILDREN-STARVING-PEOPLE-DYING-MONEY-HUNGRY A$$! GET OUT, AND STAY OUT!

*cough* except for Bran. Bran can stay *cough* and Pete's girlfriend *cough*

OTHER GOD-GIVEN GOOD NEWS:
- I went on a lunch date with Metallica Man today!
- Keith Ellison won the Minnesota vote! A Muslim in congress! Awesome!
- Kelly's back! With a new blog... a link will come up soon, but unfortunately I can't tell her because I'm not a member of friendster :(

Not so good news that STILL cannot bring down my freedom-happiness:
- Sallie Mae charged me TWICE for one of my loans on "accident". That's a $400 accident.
- People still are voting against gay marriage. Stupid hypocrites. Whatever happened to "all men are created equal" or "love thy neighbor"?
- Faith Hill = not so Grace Kelly anymore
- AND, MOST AWFULLY ASTOUNDING:

BEING A VEGAN IS LIKE ENTERING THE MATRIX.
by Summer "thinks shes better than everyone cuz shes vegan" Berdin

First, you have to choose a pill. The red pill: Acute Awareness, embodied by realization through anything from a happy little video named "Meet Your Meat" to a little girl crying about her dead pet pig. The blue pill: Beautiful Oblivion, a constant state of acceptance for something that you do not know because your brain does not acknowledge it's existence. If you choose the red one, you can never go back.

But that doesn't mean you wont want to.

The character 'Cypher' in The Matrix is a little like me. Although he betrayed his friends and ultimately caused their lives- and that, I hope, is not what makes us similar- you have to agree that of all the people in the Matrix universe, his character is the most human. Neo and Trinity, with their beautiful stoic expressions and ultra-cool black goth wardrobe, are too elevated and too... how you say?... PURE for us. They can do no wrong. They are the ultimate good destroying the ultimate evil, and without so much as a trip do they veer from the path they behold. Because of that ONE fact I cannot connect with them. They are Superhuman. I am not. And neither is Cypher.

Veganism, above all things, adheres to the Red Pill Policy (RPP). Once you take the red pill, your life will change forever. You will know things you have never known, through which your world and the people around you will change and look different. This heightened sense of reality is ultimately good for you, and you cannot help but acknowledge that fact, but because of this heightened sense you cannot forget the life you led before.

Cypher has a good quote about the RPP:

"You know, I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss"

I hear you Cypher. I miss meat. I have since Tuesday morning, 2 weeks ago. I miss it daily, dearly, and with drive. I miss the smell of it as it's cooking, and the taste of it on my tongue. Most of all, I miss licking the mess of it off of my fingertips.

But at the same time, I cannot stand in front of meat and NOT remember my red pill. I can't NOT remember what I have learned since I took it 5 months ago. And I can't eat, because I know that no matter how much I might enjoy that bite I will always remember what was done to give it to me.

And I am torn.

I don't want to leave the Matrix. I don't want to be a drone hooked up to a machine. But life inside is hard, and my stomach aches for something more.

"It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied."

"She's a Maneater"

2006-11-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

"The female equivalent to the more male-associated words like pimp or player. An irresistable woman who chews and spits out men after using them for some sort of gain -- be it sexual, financial or psychological." - www.urbandictionary.com

WHAT?! How DARE you call me that?! YOU, of all people! YOU STARTED IT ALL. 2 weeks ago I was content and fine, and you had to go ruin it! What I do I do only because it was done to me, and so far no one has objected.

Except for you. How DARE you.

*&$%#@

Whatever.

More spending. Music, movies, clothes... you name it I buy it. But I think I'm over it now... i went to Forever 21 and didn't buy ANYTHING yesterday. (There's hope in me yet!)

*sigh*

It's been a rough 2 weeks for my wallet. My goal for next week is to not spend any money at all. It's hard though... I haven't been NOT overweight in so long that seeing things fit me and look good at the same time is enough to make me swear my life to it. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me tonight.

Random Thoughts:
-Bryan's 30th birthday party at the Bungalow Club was cool. Me, James & Jason carpooled since we were stuck at work until 10:30... but it's good I didn't drive because I wouldn't have been capable of it later on in the night. Kudos James, for thinking ahead. :)
-In the last 2 weeks parties, celebrations, and a holiday have past- AND I DIDNT BRING MY CAMERA TO ANY!! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!
-This thursday E! is filming a series of commercials for their show Dr. 90210, and I will be in them! I'll try to see if I can post them on here when they're done.
-Grace Rocks
-So does her apartment
-I can't stop grooving to my Pat Benatar cd. I bought Justin Timberlake's new one, the Gorillaz semi-new one, and a compilation of Nat King Cole's greatest hits, but yet the only one I've listened to so far is Pat Benatar. I dunno... she just fits my mood I guess.
-Pumpkin carving pictures will be up on my next blog, I promise. I'm busy, remember? I'm a maneater.

Here I go again on my own [Whitesnake]

2006-10-27T21:44:00.000-07:00

WE HAVE A WINNER!

Our Photo of the Week was an amateur who beat out 2 VERY BEAUTIFUL professional pics, one of a child on the beach in her mum's hoddie, the other of an exquisite Salt Lake Valley town in the shadow of a snowy summit. Yes folks, it was a hard race, but our winner is worth every single excruiciating moment of indecision I had to go through to find her.

And now, an unveiling:

"Life is Beautiful!" by Chuchogm [flickr]

If to her share some female errors fall, Look on her face, and you'll forget them all.

She's gorgeous, isn't she?

With a smile like that, she would never be affected by THIS: (excuse the link. stupid windows...)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-20010701-000023&print=1

Wow. Seriously... wow. How true. And not just for men. I find myself doing it everyday.

Speaking of which: I know I tend to exaggerate things (please God, don't let Bryan read this entry) and a prime example was when I became infatuated with (a total of) 5 guys this week. But, world, I FOUND HIM. The one for me. The man of my dreams. And get this: he is so not my style AT ALL. He is deeply into Heavy Metal, extremely shy, very gentlemanly and polite, and -gasp- in ACCOUNTING. And he's ASIAN. WTF?! Since when have I ever been interested in asian men?!

But he's a god. He's 23. He's beautiful. And he sits just 7 cubicles away from me.

Woe to those who know Thai at E!,
or any girl who can quote Metallica better than Me!

What a whirly, windy week. And cold! The valley slumbers, and I shiver... and OH NO! E! News Weekend is not processing correctly! I must vamoose!

Bulb Replaced. Start from the top...

2006-10-26T03:03:00.000-07:00

Hemingway once wrote a story in just six words ("For sale: baby shoes, never worn.") and is said to have called it his best work. Wired.com heard and had other people try, writers and artists from all over the globe, and compiled a list.

Take a look.

The title for this blog is my first. It's a riddle, too... do you know what it means?

"Maybe I finally found it, way down here in the mud. Maybe from down here I can start up again, be something I can be proud of, without having to fake it, be a fake human being." -Platoon

The meaning of (my) life

2006-10-23T02:28:00.000-07:00

I've thought it over since my last post. I was really stressed, so I started cleaning my room (has it come to that?!) when I found my peace corp book:

I finished reading it a couple weeks ago... it's pretty good. Kris Holloway (the peace corp volunteer who wrote it) is not a professed writer but she does a good job in telling her story. It's about how Monique (pictured), the only midwife in a small village in the African country of Mali, saved and changed the lives of hundreds of Malian women.

And while I looked at the book in my obsessive drudgery, the lights turned on.

I know why I am alive! I was put on this earth to make a difference.

Now, this might sound a bit crazy (or- OMG!- corny) but let me explain... All my life I have been pulled by this hunger to reach out and touch people. I have written stories since the day I was born, and when I started growing some intellect I also put as much effort in trying to help those in need of it. I was on the newspaper at the same time that I was a physical trainer. I wrote novels with Brandi and drove with Chau to give dinners to the homeless. While in film school I was the vice president of the SGA, and wrote on an underground student paper created for the sole purpose of taking down the corrupt administration. In stages, I have wanted to join the army, the red cross, and now the peace corps. I struggle with myself to figure out which I want most- to help the world or to write about it.

BUT THATS WHEN IT ALL BECAME CLEAR! Filmmakers and writers make a difference too! Boo to you who think that filmmaking is all about the pretty lights and explosions, or that books are for teachers or mothers with nothing to do. A prime example of how the art of storytelling can change lives is through studying Oliver Stone, who in his need to tell of his experience in Vietnam has affected the lives of the millions of people who viewed his tale. Veterans who were alienated from their friends and family could finally feel that someone understood, and also used the chance to try and get their loved ones to see how it was when no other form of communicating about it worked. And young ones like me, who have ever experienced anything and would never have a clue about the effects of war on the people involved, can learn as well, and grow from it.

!!!!

I'm happy again. Not completely- this doesn't clear up my issue of what I need to do with the next few years of my life- but at least now I have a map to hold on to when I question the way. I know what my ultimate purpose is. Whether I'm meant to find it through obscurity or through fame I don't know, I admit I hope for the latter, but at least the fog has cleared, and I can see the road.

first i find out that i'm addicted, then i realize that my life is sh*t

2006-10-23T01:33:00.000-07:00

I just saw Platoon.

God... have you guys seen that movie?! I know I'm a little late in the game, but still! Jesus!

How can you watch something like that and then go about your life normally without feeling completely irrelevant and useless?!

ARGH!

First off, let me explain my heading for today. Earlier in the evening I found out that I was an addict. Chris, Sophia, and I had just come from the El Capitan theatre (they screened Nigthmare Before Christmas in 3-D and WE HAD to go see it), and Sophia suggested we stop by Hot Topic so she could invest in some "Halloween costume comparison shopping". We went, and waited, and while we were there I bought some fake Sugar Shoes.

Anyone in LA will tell you that for the last 4 months I have been desperately wanting a pair of Sugar Shoes. Specifically? The Smokin Cat or Hook Up Cat brands... any and all colors, if possible. So you can imagine my euphoria when I finally got the chance to own a fake(cheap) pair of my own, a snazzy set with black and white stripes and a blue star on the corner.

I loved them. I loved everything about them- the idea of them, the fact that I owned them, and the mere presence of them in my closet. So much so, that I started to become hungry for the chance to accessorize them with matching clothes.

And that's when it happened. I went shopping.
And spent $100 on CLOTHES.

I don't know how. I don't remember a thing. All I can recall is my walking into the store, and then I have blank spots in my memory until I found myself back home, tired, hungry, and somewhat lighter in my (new)purse.

Astounded I was- yes, my friends, this tomboy had suddenly relinquished her dark side on the world- and even more was my shock when I realized that I was still ansy for more. I HAD to shop again, and tonight. I was addicted, and the one and only thing that could stop me from self destruction was immediately the first comfort I ran towards:

I watched a movie.

My heart and soul. My warmth on a cold morning. The thing that drives me, that brings the life into my flesh. My movies.

If there was ever a picture of pure happiness in the encyclopedia that is Summer, you would see a combination of 5 things. Family, Friends, Cats, Books, and Movies. And in those moments in life when I find myself at my worst, I throw my all into one of those in a last ditch effort to save myself.

And so I saw Platoon. I saw the realism of hate, war, fear & pain. I saw what countless people have gone through since the beginning of time, and what they are undoubtedly going through right now as we speak. Most importantly: I saw my own ignorance towards it all and the contemptuous bubble I live in.

And I realized that my life is sh*t.

And now I don't know what to do.

Feed the birds

2006-10-21T03:02:00.000-07:00

Photo of the Week: "Annie" by vgmayes [Flickr]

"All around the cathedral the saints and apostles
Look down as she sells her wares
Although you can't see it,
You know they are smiling
Each time someone shows that he cares"
- Mary Poppins

Everyone on the internet is a big, fat liar

2006-10-17T02:36:00.000-07:00

It's true.

Since the day I decided to join the Peace Corps I have been scared shitless. Undecided. Aggitated. Unsure. I have had fear so strong that my whole day is spent listlessly on my bed while my mind does sprints around me deciding which direction to lead my life.

I have also had my good days, GREAT days, where my mind is clear and my heart is happy and the angels sing in the sky. These days are stronger and more frequent than the aforementioned ones- and they steer me along and I am glad for it- but I don't ever want anyone to think I am blind to my fear.

I have fear. It lives with me. I wake with it, eat with it, and slowly become more comfortable with it. It does not go away, but I do not ignore it. Therefore (and most importantly):

IT DOES NOT GET STRONGER.

I have been steadily collecting bookmarks and links online of favorite blogs from Peace Corps volunteers (present and past), as well as a bigger library of books and videos I rent and read, and articles I study, to add to my knowledge of the PC experience. So far it's been great homework- the community soup we call the 'internet' is endless and my growing hunger never wants- and happily there has been a great unbalance between the people who loved the Peace Corps and the people who hated it (heavy on the first option). But one thing irks me.

No one mentions their fears.

Come on guys- we're all human here! So we like to embellish a little... it's the internet, after all, and we can if we want. But don't tell me NO ONE was a little afraid, a little hesitant... was NO ONE unsure of signing their life away for TWO WHOLE YEARS? Did NO ONE have something else they could be doing, someone else they could be spending that time with?

Is no one else afraid?

*sigh*

I have been searching the ends of cyberspace looking for someone who admits to their fear, and who eventually conquers it. Endlessly, and vainly. Well, NO MORE. THIS STOPS RIGHT HERE.

I stand before you, naked. Hello World, I am Summer, and I am afraid. And I am proud of it. So don't worry, my fellow PC padawans... if you happened upon my blog looking for someone who feels a little like you, look no more. You're in the right place, and you're not alone.

We will get through this together.

I've changed my mind

2006-10-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

I no longer want to join the Peace Corps.

I want to pack my bags, rent an unconventional house made of glass sitting atop a lake on stilts and fall in love with a man who I send letters to who is living his life 2 years before my time.

Oh, and I want to be perky and sweet and cutely distraught about the whole situation, Sandra Bullock-esque.

Keanu Reeves must be sent by Pan. I know this because he was put on this earth to make me fall in love with him over and over and over again, only to be taken away after 2 hours time. Pan seems to have the reputation of teasing people with their dreams, and within Keanu Reeves he has found the perfect tool to tease mine.

Not that Keanu Reeves is a dream of mine, but he tends to find characters (Jack Travern in 'Speed', and now Alex Wyler in 'The Lake House') that are SO PERFECT AND DREAMY AND CONSIDERATE AND ROMANTIC AND WHO PINE FOR THEIR IMPOSSIBLE LOVE/GOAL WITH A LOOK OF PURE INNOCENCE AND FRAILTY THAT (despite the acting) I TEND TO FALL COMPLETELY IN LOVE THEM WITH EACH TIME.

So there. Forget the Peace Corps. Forget filmmaking, writing, and whatever else I want to do. I will go, get a perky haircut, a cute disposition, and find some lake house/speeding bus to live my life in, until my own Mr. Reeves decides he wants to join the story, and shows up.

Oh, and while we're on the subject of Korean films ("Il Mare" anyone?) let me just say one thing:

Chan-wook Park is one of the greatest storytellers of our generation, and he has yet to dissappoint. I saw 'Lady Vengeance' yesterday (I KNOW! How can I own 'Oldboy' and not see the first and third movies of the trilogy?!) and I didn't think it possible but I like it more than I like 'Oldboy'. I must rectify my ignorance at once and finally see 'Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance'. Backward, maybe, but there is no connection between the 3 so at least I'm saved from any confusion storywise. I plan to buy the other two as soon as my budget deems it possible. I admit, I'm moronic for not buying the 3 together originally. I know! But I am only human! STOP JUDGING ME!

I've had my say. Now leave me alone so I can pack... I have a lake house to prepare for.

A Part of Pakistan You Don't Get to See...

2006-10-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

Photo "Fairyland Indeed" from Flickr, taken by Heartkins.

On Friday nights during the wee hours of work I do my "Photo Fridays." I start with Msnbc.com's "Week in Pictures," then head over to Flickr to see the "Last 7 Days" photos that show the best of the week. I have been doing this since I was a freshmen in college... something like a hobby, you can say. This photo is not my favorite today... not at all, by far- but I got the shock of my life when I opened it (expecting to hear it was taken in Switzerland) and saw that it was taken in Pakistan.

The world is beautiful. It is we that make it ugly.

So here starts my "Photo of the Week." I love pictures so much, why not show you my favorites? This one is my first ever, and all though it is not the best, it stands alone here today because it means something more than a 'pretty picture.' It is about finding beauty where you would never expect it, and to recognize the power that you have to discover it wherever you go.

Happiness Double Time

2006-10-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

Item #1: Vegan Cupcakes from Mani's Bakery on Fairfax

Item #2: Dude kicking @$$ in Krav Maga

OMG. Put the 2 together and you'll realize how AMAZING my week has been so far.

Asian Americans in the Peace Corps

2006-10-11T02:43:00.000-07:00

By Bert Eljera

Noel Lee still remembers the bewildered look on her father�s face when she announced she was joining the Peace Corps and going to Mongolia.

"He could not understand it," said Lee, recalling her family�s shocked reaction. "Here I was making good money working for Chase Manhattan Bank in New York, and I was kind of throwing it away by going to Mongolia."

Her father, an immigrant from China who worked hard to send her to college, wondered why she would leave a good-paying job, go to a foreign country, and work for free, Lee said.

That was back in 1992. Lee, 25 at the time, figured there was more to life than making money. "I wanted to make a difference," she said. "I wanted to help people."

So, despite her father�s misgivings, Lee spent two years in Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia, and worked on a United Nations loan program to help Mongolian women set up their own business.

Eventually, Lee�s family, including her father, came around. Now, she described those two years in Mongolia as the best in her life. "I�ve learned that I can do anything. If I can do it in Mongolia, I can do it anywhere."

Lee is not alone. An increasing number of young Asian Pacific Americans are joining the Peace Corps, the agency established in 1961 by then-President John F. Kennedy to "fight hunger, disease, illiteracy, poverty, and lack of opportunities around the world."

Of the more than 140,000 volunteers who have served on the program for the past 35 years, 900 were Asian Pacific Americans-more than blacks, Latinos, or Native Americans.

This year, the Peace Corps has 6,500 volunteers in 90 countries around the globe. Four percent, or 268, are Asian Pacific Americans.

But, despite the impressive numbers, there�s much debate in Asian American households, pitting young APAs eager to serve and make a difference against pragmatic parents who insist that the family comes first.

Children argue that going abroad is an adventure; parents insist it�s dangerous and the benefits are not worth the risk.

Moreover, in most Asian cultures, volunteerism is not traditional, although most communities encourage mutual help and cooperation as evidenced by the benevolent societies among the Chinese and the bayanihan spirit among Filipinos.

At the Organization of Chinese Americans national convention in San Francisco last month, the Peace Corps booth drew large crowds if only a few on-the-spot volunteers.

"I�d love to do it," said Stephen Ng, 21, a student at City College in San Francisco. "But I can�t afford it. I don�t have the time. I�m better off working and supporting myself and my family."

Emily Nye of San Jose, who also visited the Peace Corps booth, said she considered volunteering when she graduated from college 10 years ago, but her parents did not allow her.

"Maybe my children will get the chance," said Nye, a mother of two girls.

If Asian Americans tend to shy away from volunteer work, "it has nothing to do with culture," said Robert Fung, a professor of Asian American studies at San Francisco State University. It�s all about pragmatism and survival, he said.

Fung said the Peace Corps is a mixed bag for Asian Americans. While altruism is admirable, "there are enough problems at home that we have to take care of. Everyone is looking at Asian Americans as the model minority, but it�s not an accurate picture."

Stanley D. Suyat, an associate director and the highest-ranking Asian Pacific American in the Peace Corps, agrees that the Peace Corps is not for everybody. "It takes a certain type of personality and circumstance-those not ready for a career yet and want to see the world."

Suyat, 52, who was born to parents of Filipino heritage and grew up in Hawaii, served as a volunteer in the Philippines in the 1960s and said the Peace Corps offers a life of adventure, which is appealing to young people.

But he acknowledged that in most Asian Pacific American families, children are expected to find jobs and contribute to the family after finishing school. While there are obvious benefits, volunteering involves sacrifices, he said.

Liz Lee, a Korean American who volunteered to serve in Namibia in southwest Africa in 1991, said her parents were very much against her joining the Peace Corps.

"It�s not something that a lot of Asians do," Liz Lee said. "My parents thought it was very strange that I would want to go to Africa. They said I was better off going back to school."

Louie Abanilla, who came to the United States from the Philippines when he was a boy, joined the Peace Corps and volunteered to go to Poland in 1990-against his parents� wishes.

His parents virtually disowned him, but when he was invited to the White House by then-President George Bush for the send-off, his parents had a change of heart.

"His father came to the U.S. with $200 in his pocket," said Suyat, a friend of the Abanilla family. "And there they were in the White House, at the invitation of the president. It was overwhelming."

Abanilla now works as a recruiter for the Peace Corps in the East Coast, Suyat said.

The average Asian Pacific American volunteer is 27 years old and either fresh from college or has worked for about a couple of years. The majority of APA corps volunteers-59 percent-are female.

Most volunteer out of idealism and a desire to make a difference. Others volunteer because the two years spent with the Peace Corps enhance the prospects for a good career, either in international trade or in nonprofit organizations.

"I gained a wonderful experience," said J. D. Hokoyama, president of the Los Angeles-based Leadership Education For Asian Pacifics Inc., who went to Ethiopia in 1967. "Going and living outside of the country forced me to adopt a much broader view of the world."

Hokoyama said the experience opened his eyes to the need for nonprofit groups, which he has been involved with for more than two decades.

Kelvin Mow, who now manages an importing business in Mill Valley, Calif., said the years he spent in Kenya from 1993 to 1995 offered him a chance to learn a new culture and society.

He lived with a Kenyan family for nearly three months, taught at a computer school, advised women and self-help groups on starting their own business, and conducted business seminars in Kitala, Kenya.

He also set up soccer leagues, coached at a local high school, created videos for the Peace Corps, and solicited funds for various projects in Kenya. "It was a fabulous experience," said Mow, who was 24 when he volunteered. "It was hard being away from my family, but it�s amazing the knowledge you learn about yourself under difficult situations."

Mow, born in New York to a Chinese American father and a mother who is part Chinese, said his parents supported his decision to go to Africa.

"It would only improve my career," said Mow, who was two years out of graduate school when he volunteered. "I wasn�t dependent on them. We�re financially independent of each other."

Henry Der, deputy superintendent for external affairs of the California Department of Education, volunteered to serve in Kenya for the Peace Corps from 1968 to 1970.

"It was a precursor to a lot of social activism, there�s no doubt about it," said Der, who served for more than 20 years as executive director of Chinese For Affirmative Action until his appointment to the education post this year. "If I can go halfway around the world to help people, I surely can help people in my own community."

Suyat, the Peace Corps associate director, said volunteers come back with more experience and with more marketable skills.

"Knowledge of another culture and language are attractive to business," said Suyat, who points to himself as an example of how a stint with the Peace Corps can advance one�s career.

After teaching English in the Philippines, Suyat came back to the United States in 1968, and immediately landed a job with the United Parcel Service in New York.

The line on his resume-Peace Corps volunteer-was the clincher, he said. "UPS felt that I could offer a different perspective to the company, a slightly different way of making a contribution."

Suyat, who was in San Francisco for the OCA convention, spent five years with UPS, then became a partner of a law firm, and later White House liaison to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for the Clinton administration. In 1993, he was appointed Peace Corps associate director.

"It�s not a picnic," he said. "It�s a tough job. You don�t live in ideal conditions. The food is often not familiar, you don�t understand the language. But it�s the toughest job you�ll ever love."

There are practical benefits. Volunteers receive the best language and cross-cultural training by living overseas. They receive career counseling assistance once they finish their volunteer work. They get preference in federal government jobs.

Many student loans are deferred, and a percentage of the principal and interest for a Perkins Loan, a federal student loan program, may be canceled for each year of service.

In addition, volunteers receive housing, food, clothing, and a miscellaneous expenses allowance. After three months of training and two years of service, a volunteer receives a $5,400 readjustment allowance.

These practical benefits often help parents to eventually support their children�s decision, Suyat said.

But, sometimes, parents are hard to appease. Liz Lee said her mother was so worried that the two years she spent with the Peace Corps would limit her chances of meeting a good man and getting married.

"My mother said I should think of marriage," said Liz Lee, 25 and an employee at a biotech company in Emeryville when she volunteered in 1991. "She tried to match me up with a man."

Now 29, Liz Lee works as a Peace Corps recruiter in San Francisco. She is still single.

Margaret Choi, an immigrant from Hong Kong, said she was scared when her daughter, Rhonda Choi, decided to volunteer for Nicaragua in 1993.

She relented, eventually, because Rhonda was persistent, she said. "I just told her that I hope you meet a jungle prince," she said with a laugh. "Find a prince, not a bear or crocodile in the jungle."

She did not find a jungle prince, but Rhonda came back a changed woman, more mature and caring, Margaret said.

But she said she was always apprehensive of her daughter�s safety while Rhonda was in Nicaragua, which is a common concern for parents.

Suyat said the Peace Corps is vigilant about the safety of its volunteers and would not put them in harm�s way. But because they go to all corners of the world, safety problems sometimes crop up. He could not provide figures, but some volunteers have died on assignments, most often due to accidents.

In 1990, a Peace Corps volunteer was kidnapped in the Philippines, Suyat said. The volunteer was unharmed, but it forced the cancellation of the program there for two years, he said.

"The safety of our volunteers is foremost," Suyat said. "We go to some extreme measures, such as stopping a program completely, until we ensure that our volunteers are completely safe."

Suyat himself volunteered to serve in the Philippines back in 1966. He worked as an English teacher in the southern Philippines. A third-generation Filipino American, Suyat said he wanted to learn his roots.

"It was a wonderful education about my culture," Suyat said. "There is no better way to learn about your culture than live in the community."

At the end of his two-year stint in the Philippines, Suyat married his first wife, Victoria, who also was a Peace Corps volunteer. They had two children but are now divorced. Suyat is married to Linda Suyat, a Japanese American.

It may seem a contradiction, but Asian Pacific Americans say becoming a Peace Corps volunteer makes them more American and conscious of their ethnic heritage at the same time.

J.D. Hokoyama, a third-generation Japanese American, said he became more aware of his heritage when he volunteered to go to Africa. "People were always surprised when I said I was an American," Hokoyama said. "They figured I was from the Orient. They were surprised that an American would have an Asian face."

Der, who worked in an agricultural project in Kenya, said the Kenyans thought he was black because he did not have the European features of most Americans.

But Der, born in Stockton, Calif., to Chinese immigrant parents, said he was accepted for who he was, and built lifelong friendships with some Kenyans and volunteers from other countries that he met in Africa.

"You learn to respect other cultures and gain better appreciation of your own," Der said.

That was the most rewarding part of her Mongolian experience, said Noel Lee, whose mother is German.

Lee said the Mongolians told her that she looked more Mongolian than American, with her high cheekbones, porcelain skin, and Asian features.

"They thought all Americans have blond hair and blue eyes," said Lee, who was born in New Mexico and raised in Oklahoma. "I became closer to them because I looked like them."

Lee said the Peace Corps is recruiting more minorities to reflect the changing face of the United States. "We want to tell the world there are Asians in this country, too."

Lee, who moved to San Francisco in 1994, now works at a natural foods store and is learning yoga, hoping to someday open her own holistic health business.

A graduate from Baylor University with a degree in marketing, Lee said she now wants to pursue her own dream. "I was raised to make money, but life is too short to not do what you�re really interested in doing. I want to help people with stressful lives."
Peace Corps at a Glance

Since 1961, 900 Asian Pacific Americans have served on the Peace Corps. Last year, the 268 Asian Pacific American volunteers accounted for 4 percent of worldwide volunteers. Nearly a third of all current minority volunteers (31 percent) are APAs.

Among Asian American volunteers and trainees, 59 percent are women and 41 percent men. Worldwide, 55 percent of volunteers are women and 45 percent men.

Asian Pacific American volunteers tend to be younger than other volunteers. The average age for APAs is 27, compared with the overall average age of 31 for volunteers. Only 4 percent of Asian Pacific American volunteers are over 40, compared to 11 percent for the total group. The oldest Asian Pacific American volunteer is 68.

Asian Pacific Americans have served in every Peace Corps region. Forty-two percent, or 381 volunteers, have been in Africa; 24 percent, or 223 volunteers, in the Americas; 17 percent, or 193 volunteers, in Asia and the Pacific; and 17 percent, or 103 volunteers, in Europe, Central Asia, and the Mediterranean.

Asian Pacific Americans currently serve in 70 of the 94 Peace Corps countries. The countries with the highest number of Asian Pacific American volunteers are Thailand (13); Malawi (11); Nepal (10); and Cameroon (10).

In terms of skill sectors, 28 percent of Asian Pacific American volunteers serve in education; 25 percent in health; 15 percent in environment; 14 percent in business; 10 percent in agriculture; and 5 percent in special projects/urban.

Eighty-nine percent of Asian Pacific Americans have previous language training and 16 percent have nine years or more foreign language experience, which may reflect those who are native speakers of Asian languages.

Peace Within

2006-10-10T02:34:00.000-07:00

I'm joining the Peace Corps!

It's official. I've broken the news to my parents and friends, and have set a move-out date with my roommates. I'm doing it! I'm finally doing it!

After much (MUCH) deliberation, after many sleepless hours and a countless amount of soul searching, I sat down and FINALLY starting filling out my Peace Corps application.

tingles!

The application process takes a while. It's like a final exam, this thing. I need to find records and official docs about myself that I didn't even know I had. Also, after I turn it in, I need to do a complete medical and dental checkup and give them the results and wait for a "pass" grade. ooftah. All the websites online say that the paperwork is the worst part, though, so I'm ok with the hassle :)

Wait, what? Why? Are you asking me why?

Well, it's a lot of things really. Most importantly: it's time. My job is ending in December and that familiar tug is pulling at my belly. Do you know the line from Beauty and the Beast, when Belle is running up the hill? If I remember correctly:

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want it more than I can stand."

The first time I heard that line I was a wee girl in the 4th row at the movie theater, and I cried. Not because I felt bad for Belle. Not because the film was astoundingly breathtaking and could bring my emotions to the surface instantly (which it still can); no- because someone had somehow found something I was holding safely inside me and announced to the world that they were feeling the same way.

To this day, when she says that line (and THE WAY she says it), brings me to tears. It's the tug. The tug that happens to me every year, when life is lulling and the days are beautiful and I'm sitting in my familiar setting (wherever it is), bored.

I want adventure!

Lastly: I want to help! Somehow, some way, doing whatever needs to be done. I YEARN to help. I see so much trauma and pain and devastation going on in the world, and I sit in front of my computer/tv and do NOTHING about it. Nothing. But with the Peace Corps I can help! I can go out in the world and try, try whatever, but at least try!

That being said, I can't wait to start. But I must wait. 2007 is not the time to leave and go fulfill any ol' destinies. My sister is having another baby, and Brandi is getting married. Respectively, I will be an aunt and a maid of honor... and I refuse to miss it. And THAT'S how joining the Peace Corps is perfect for my timing right now.

You see, my job is ending in December. For the last 2 years (after graduation) I have been agonizing over the fact that I'm not fitting with the world I have surrounded myself in. I'm too young, too naive, too scared. I haven't exactly wanted to tuck tail and run (never!) but I have felt an urgent need for a break- a calm- to collect myself and figure it all out. You know, prepare myself for the battle.

Well, this is the perfect opportunity. Once my job ends, I can go home. I can spend 2007 with my family, my friends, (myself), and reach the calm I've been needing. And with 2 important things happening in the lives of Hazel and Brandi, it's better to spend the year with them than far away.

So my plan:
- End the year in Los Angeles (spend Christmas with my roomies). Maybe do some touristy things I never got to before because of my work schedule.
- Move back home in January.
- Get a random job (possibly at American Airlines or something so I can travel for free on my year off) & pay off some debts without the added cost of rent and misc. bills for my own place
- Help Hazel with the girls.
- Help Brandi with her wedding.
- Take misc. classes at the community college (namely: photography, writing, and self defense)
- Continue with my workout schedule (I'm doing good! 4-5 months in so far and flying fine)
- Save some money, maybe buy a camera/laptop for the trip
- 2008, start the adventure of a lifetime.

Solid.

If you're curious... I specifically want to go to Mongolia (although anywhere that needs me is fine). I saw a documentary on Mongolia when I was young and I was entranced by the country and it's people. (Plus it has a whopping 0 fatalities). I read somewhere that if you want to go to Mongolia in the Peace Corps, you have to put June as your starting month because that's when the people leave for it. So, I guess right on my 25th birthday I'll be starting my trip. Also: Peace Corps requires 27 months from their volunteers, so when I get back I'll be almost 2 1/2 years older. Better I do it now than when I'm older and have a family or more substantial bills to worry about.

Random:
- Speaking of fatalities... why is it that the Philippines has the highest fatalities due to murder in the Peace Corps? We're nice people! WTF?
- And why don't I choose the Philippines since I'm from there, you ask... well I would if I could, but I'm not allowed to go to a country that houses any living relatives (company policy). Maybe I'll visit on my way home :)

Sleeping with Nick

2006-10-05T04:30:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep anymore.

Last friday morning I brought Chris to the airport. I'm no good at waking up in the morning (what do you expect? I work the night shift!), so my brilliant idea was to come home from work, stay up until it was time to go, then sleep when I got back.

Good idea, except now I can't sleep EVER.

Since that night I havent been able to sleep. YES, I've been sick (and slightly depressed, which- I admit- tends to happen when I feel feverish), but STILL. COME ON. I'll turn off the light, get into bed, then BOOM. All this ENERGY suddenly comes out of nowhere and slaps me in the face. Like, hard.

It's gotten pretty severe. I'll lie in bed from 2am to 4 just twiddling my thumbs. Then, when I maybe might get a little snooze action, the Dutchess herself will help me out of it. Halfway through my tumbling Cleo will jump on the bed (purring like a train, BTW) and position herself in the most deliciously uncomfortable spot on my body at that given moment. Lying on my side? She'll sleep on my face. Lying on my back? She's vibrating under a leg. Cute, yes, but no cigar.

What's worse is that tv wont even help. I had this problem, before, in Miami, when I started hating my job and was feeling restless in life and all... I wouldn't be able to sleep and would stay up at ungodly hours watching uber marathons on Nick @ Night. My poison back then was Wings.

Well, guess what guys? Now it's Roseanne.

I'm starting to love it. Good, because it's a great show and should be loved... but Bad because now I cant turn away.

"But Summer, why dont you just turn the tv off?"

You aren't paying attention. I don't turn the tv on until around 4. Before that I just soak in the silence of my room and think. Bad thing, thinking. It keeps you awake worse than any other energy drink you could ever create in a lab...

I stopped this cycle once, in Miami. When I think back to it I can't specifically remember how, but I do know that it was around the time that I decided to move to LA when I started to sleep again. I stopped feeling frustrated and lost, and somehow that warmed me up more than anything else. I was happy.

Roseanne's reruns are starting to reach the final season... I need to hurry up and find my happy before it does. If not I'll be stuck watching Designing Women :(

Depression

2006-10-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

"Everyday is so wonderful. Then suddenly, it's hard to breathe"

Leave the cold,
I like it.
Go away.
Please, don't stay.

Keep me, Dark
keep to myself.
keep me here
hold it at bay.

I am a paragraph,
not merely a line.
dont cheapen me with sing-song
let the true me rhyme.

Leave the night,
I need it.
Go away.
No sun today.

Celebrity Look-Alike

2006-10-02T03:09:00.000-07:00

Ummm... 3 things:
1.Tiger Woods?! WTF?
2.Woo-hoo! Halle Berry! OMG my ego is gonna EXPLODE!!! LOLOLOLOLOOL
3.Norah Jones? Ok, this is now my official favorite site in life.

It's a girl!

2006-09-30T02:34:00.000-07:00

Wow... rare site. Look Mommy- your youngest can be pretty too!

hehe.

To my myspace friends who have already seen these pics... sorry. I had to. I'm just so proud of them... I had to show them to my family. It's not every day that they get to see me look like a female. :)

The best choice I ever made

2006-09-28T03:39:00.001-07:00

"I think I have what could be accurately called an obsessive personality. I was discussing this with Jacob last night as it relates to my moods: when I'm angry, I think really hard about how angry I am until I can barely see straight and I hate everyone. When I'm happy, I bounce around on my toes talking to myself about what an incredibly fantastic day/hour/minute I'm having. When I'm tired, I think tired tired tired tired to myself (but slowly) until my heels are dragging and my eyes want to close. Apparently I have a megaphone built into my brain that amplifies everything.

At the moment it's amplifying donuts. I've been thinking about them since I ordered my sister's birthday package. "Donut donut donut," my brain said to me while I waited for her to get it. "DONUT." My hands staged a bloodless coup on Friday night and placed an order for some donuts of my own with, I admit, little resistance from the rest of my body (particularly my mouth). "Donut," said my brain, "good job, Dianna, donut." I keep checking my mail to see if my order has been shipped yet. Unshipped, unshipped, donut, donut, where are my donuts? Unshipped. It's been one whole business day since my order was placed; can I write to veganessentials and plead with them to figure out what's wrong?

At this point it's almost certain that if I don't get donuts this week I'm going to die. It's true that there are few authenticated cases of death from donut deprivation, but I'm unconvinced that I won't be the first. The word "donut" is throbbing in my head like the Tell-Tale Heart, threatening to be my undoing. Don't believe me? Try counting how many times I just used it in a three-paragraph blog entry."

Alright... so many of you will agree that the above statement fits me like a glove. Hardy Har Har. But if you did, then you'd be missing the point of me showing it to you anyway. The point?

DONUTS.

VEGAN DONUTS.

Today I was DEVASTATED to find out that Krispy Kreme donuts were not vegan friendly. Seriously, devastated. So much so, that I considered becoming vegetarian instead of vegan. This of course is a culmination of a lot of stuff over the last few days, but my thoughts were no joke and I probably would've turned by the end of the night.

If not for the blog entry I read above.

If you go to google and you type in "Can vegans eat donuts?" (which is what I did) then you will get a couple of random links, and this: http://snoqualmie.cementhorizon.com/archives/003677.html

I opened it, and it led me to the answer to my prayers. Not only was this girl EXACTLY like me, but she was feeling the EXACT SAME WAY I was feeling at the time. And better yet: she pointed out oh-so-blatantly that there was such a thing as happiness for the vegan crowd.

And so I started an expedition. 2am. Donut time. I found a vegan donut place close by and Chris and I went to check it out. Can I say, awesome?

It's on Glenoaks in Glendale, called Sesame Donut, and the nightshift guy is Billy... he's very sweet and he slipped us like 5 donuts for free. Thanks Billy!

OOoooohhhh yyyeeeaaahhhh

Chris and a cinnamon bun

Yeah, that's right- 2 at a time baby!

One box of 2 that we brought home.

Cool little antique coffee maker :)

Total, sublime happiness.

I've eaten enough donuts in the last 20 minutes to last a year, and the boxes are still full of more. Really- I'm ecstatic. I knew it would be hard becoming a vegan, but the temptation to turn was never so bad as it was today. But God (and whatever others) up there must be really sweet... every time it gets tough they throw me 500 pillows. Thank you so much! It just deepened my determination to keep doing what I'm doing... Every fork I've come across in this road has just led me to bigger and better things. 90% of the amazing food I've tasted and the places I've been I would have never been able to experience if I wasn't a vegan. So I think I'm heading in the right direction.

If God thinks I'm doing a good job by not eating his animals, then so be it. I'll try my best to keep him happy. I hope he knows how thankful I am to him for making this easy for me. :)

Getting ready for the prom

2006-09-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

Note: Anyone looking for sketch crawl pics... dont worry. I'll have them up by FRIDAY.

As I may or may not have previously mentioned, roommate Sophia is taking movie special fx classes. This encompasses many many things, the main emphasis being on MONSTER MAKEUP.

"Monster Makeup?" You say, "What's that?"

Well, my naive reader, monster makeup, aptly put, is the makeup that is done behind the scenes to make "monsters" look convincible in front of the camera. It can consist of the smallest cuts and bruises to full-fledge head and body prosthetics. And this process, specifically if you want it to look believable (which most, if not all, filmmakers do), can only be done by a select group of people.

Enter the FX team.

Suffice it to say that no good FX team is fresh out of the batch. Nope... each and every player must go through years and years of practice until they can even be CONSIDERED good enough to be part of this complex cast. Sophia (and her classmates), must do the same. And what else are roommates for, if not for practice?

:)

So last Thursday and Friday Me, Chris, and Louie went to help out (Louie for only thursday). For 6-7 hours (8am to 2pm-ish) each day we sat in little actor chairs while they polished they trade. AND THEY DID AN AWESOME JOB! Ignore all of the above, I think we got some pros up in this house!

We brave few

Meesey and Louie lost their hair!

Maybe I should have washed my face better?...

Prosthetics. Beautiful. Who needs plastic surgery?

L to R: Luis the dead punk zombie, Meesey the jolly young st. nick, and Me the leper

Leprecy rocks!

Chris and Louie, and pumpkin head...

End of Day #1... Summer tired...

Me on Day #2... and some new molds

Sophia GLUES the skin cap on me. That's right: GLUE

5 of the maybe 12 prosthetics used

Final blow: Fire Victim. How disgustingly delicious!

Taking it off... Sophia looks tired, because this one took almost 8 hours.

Me, free, and happy.

Cool huh? If you notice, each pile of monster mash took from 6-8 hours. Puts a new light on those actors who have to do a full day's worth of acting/action AFTER going through all that, huh? Mucho respect.

And yes, of course I kept it. But then I threw it away, cuz it started to smell :)

Twizzlers are

2006-09-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

the bane of my existence

Plunged into perpetual sunset

2006-09-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

Sunny California. 2pm.

And the sunlight on my car is a deep sepia.

Above the swatch of blue sky is a new horizon- a darker one. I noticed it first while turning onto Vineland... and not by spotting it visually. I noticed it because my body was reacting to the things I was seeing around me. A 'miracle hour' overlay surrounded all of the things on the street. Lusty yellow and dusty brown engulfed everything. I started to feel tired, and a little relaxed.

Why? Because I thought it was sundown.

And then I felt the heat around me and turned my car's AC on... strange, I thought. The nights now were getting cold. Why do I need the AC?

Then it hit me: it's early afternoon.

There is a big cloud of brown in the sky. Big. Really big. The view from Mulholland (where you can see all of LA) shows a dusty fog surrounding the city. Denizens of brown dust swirl in the sky, and the sun fights to be seen through the haze.

There is fire in our midst. Close by. The air is screaming it's pain.

News From Thailand

2006-09-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

A lone blogger has been spreading news over the internet:

Alpha_Binary 286 points 10 hours ago*
A Thai here, reporting live from the capital.

23:25 Sep 19 local time... All local television channels are shut down. Tanks are rolling in the city. The capital has been completely taken over by the MILITARY coup, facing no resistance. Cellphones have also been cut. It is also rumored that some government representatives have been held captive.

No blood shed so far. Streets are dead quiet.

Of course, their biggest mistake is forgetting about the Internet.

update @ 23:58 : FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT
The coup operation team have made their first announcement.

Mainly, they plan to seize over the complete control from the current "temporary" government, and hand it back to the people. Actually I don't quite get their point, since that is what we call an election, and one is due in several weeks. I will edit again should there be another event or announcement worth mentioning.

On the other hand, it appears that the only cable TV service, UBC, has recently been cut as well. Some radio stations are accessible, almost all of which are still airing regular programs. Rumors are that there are plans to take down the Internet in a few hours.

It is raining outside. This is going to be a long night for us Thais.

On an unrelated note, looks like my chemistry exam tomorrow is going to be canceled; making the first good news in several hours.

urgent update @ 0:16 : LINKS GOING DOWN?
Inside news from the Telephone Organization of Thailand confirms that all intranational CELLPHONE and INTERNET links will be cut within no more than TWO HOURS.

I will try my best to keep you guys updated until the very end. Thank you for the kind words. In these times, it feels really good to know that there are people out there, on the other side of the globe, who care.

more update @ 0:25 : SECOND ANNOUNCEMENT
The second announcement has come out.

They demand that all military personnels in service do report to the nearest commander/supervisor and do not move without explicit permisson from the operation team.

Martial law is now in effect.

ISPs are beginning to drop their service one by one.

Surprisingly, the links for both AIS and DTAC (two largest mobile phone providers in Thailand) have been restored.

even more update @ 0:40 : THIRD ANNOUNCEMENTThey declare

The Constitution, in use since 1997, VOID
All representatives, the parliament and the constitution court, VOID
Privy councillors, working normally
All other courts, in operation under supervision of the coup operation team
Thailand is now a democratic country with no constitution.

Universities in Bangkok will shut down indefinitely until things clear up. Oh lawd.

The military is all over the Communication Authority of Thailand's building. It is INTERNALLY CONFIRMED to a degree that all mobile phone and Internet links will cease to operate within, I repeat, no more than 2 hours.

Stay tuned.

@ 1:10 : ONE TV CHANNEL BACK UP
Out of the blue, NationTTV is back, alive and kicking, airing live feed of various locations throughout Bangkok full of peacekeeping soldiers and policemen. Fully armed. With tanks.

No soul has been harmed, yet. The Prime Minister, however, will probably not give up easily. On the other hand, I will need to find a backup link soon.

@ 1:22 : FOURTH ANNOUNCEMENT
The coup leader has furtherly declared (now through a woman announcer--not that I'm a sexist or anything)

The coup operation team FULL CONTROL over jobs previously done by the Prime Minister as (previously) declared by the law
Deputy minister of various ministries FULL CONTROL over jobs previously done by the now-powerless ministers, UNLESS announced otherwise
I'm trying to gather together pictures from news sites in Thailand (famous for its narrowband international link) and mirror them under a reliable host. Might take a while. If I don't report back within an hour, it probably means my link has been severed.

Update: http://flickr.com/search/?s=rec&q=coup+thailand&m=text This should help you get the picture

another live tv feed up @ 2:14 : BRIEF UPDATE
The coup operation team has just broadcasted a short video clip of a recent report of the current situation. Looks extremely one-sided, but anyway...

The leader is now proceeding to report to His Majesty the King the status of this ongoing coup'd'etat. This is going to be another historic moment indeed.

On the other hand, there have been rumors.. turns to television ..nvm

@ 2:24 : FIRST AND SECOND "OFFICIAL" ANNOUNCEMENT
from the now government-in-control (thus the renumbering). I am going to make it brief since, unfortunately, I am very tired right now.

Basically, all high-level staffs from every ministry, including head of universities, are to report to the coup leader by tomorrow to be briefed about the new policies they are about to enforce.

Also, September 20, 2006 is now declared a holiday for banks and stock markets in order to facilitate the transition process.

On the other hand, there have been rumors that the U.S. President will soon announce his stance against this coup. We can only hope his interference won't worsen things.

overall status report @ 3:11
I'm going to sleep. Dead tired. Here is a brief summary of things.

It is the middle of the night here. Soldiers have taken over all important political outposts in Bangkok. Tanks and armed guards can be seen everywhere. Traffic is still allowed to flow, though few will doubt that this is probably one of the worst times to travel.

All television channels are currently broadcasting the same stuff over and over: patriotic videos dedicated to HMKing that were used in previous coups. (It should be noted that the King Himself has absolutely nothing to do with this). New announcements are made from time to time, generally replayed twice or thrice for each, in alternative with the announcement screen (white text on blue screen of coup). Cable TV is still down, disconnecting the majority of the citizens from most, if not all trustworthy news sources.

Cellphones and Internet are up by now. It is somewhat unlikely that they will be severed again.

The coup currently holds full control over the country's governmental power, notably the prime minister's and ministers'. The Constitution has been trashed. The whole country is effectively under the martial law. As if those aren't bad enough; the flood in the northern Thailand and terrorism in the southern haven't gotten any better at all. Universities are suspended indefinitely. Banks and stock markets will take a break tomorrow.

I hope to see you then.

She did not die of old age... she died before her time...

2006-09-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

I went to the West Hollywood bookfair today. Otherwise an unspectacular event on all accounts, today's visit was quite extraordinary.

I did not know that I was empty, to be so full.

I went with Chris because he wanted to get the autograph of the creator of "Hellboy," who was scheduled to make an appearance. I packed my camera and $6. We browsed for a while, and I took many pictures, and Chris lined up with his comic book in hand. After Chris got the autograph he received a phonecall, so I decided to keep looking around on my own.

And that's when I saw it.

Across the lawn of the West Hollywood library sat a regular booth (quite small actually, about the size of a desk among booths big enough for demonstrations and artwork). At it sat a young woman, quietly writing while an older jewish lady sat waiting across from her. Curious, I got a little closer.

The handwritten sign on the booth said FREE PSYCHIC PET READINGS.

Hmmm, I thought... Cleo is so uncomfortable around the house, and she's been with us for a year... maybe I could give this a shot. It's free, right?

So I waited. The "pet psychic" was the young woman- the name on the table brochure read 'Karen Gonzales'- and the way she worked was she would ask some question and then start writing. Apparently whatever soul was speaking to her at the time would send it's message through pen in pad. The old lady (who had with her a picture of a very mangy, yet happy Golden Retreiver named Suzie) was taking a bit longer than expected, so my mind wandered.

I started to think, what if she could talk to dead pets too? Maybe I should ask her about Eclipse.

It was a throw away thought... something that I wouldn't have remembered if the old lady hadn't finished right when I thought it. And since it was still in my mind, I said it out loud as I sat down.

"Do you do dead pets or just the ones that are alive?"

Karen was charming. She had a sweet smile and a quiet nature about her. She shook my hand.

"We can try both, if you want."

I agreed (despite trepidation- there were people waiting behind me). Again she smiled and turned to a fresh new page on her notepad.

"What are their names?"

"Umm... Eclipse and Cleo"

"And are they doggies or kitties?"

*awkward pause*

"Ummm, well both are cats."

Again, smile. Turn of a page. And with that she started writing. I felt uncomfortable... the sun was on my back and I could feel drops of sweat crawl down my arm. God please, my kingdom for a breeze.

She only took about 5 minutes- no, less. And then she stopped, and looked up. And this is what she said:

"The first one we'll do is Eclipse. She says she wants you to know that she did not die of old age... she died before her time. I'm getting that it was not a sickness that killed her, more an accident. She had eaten something that was not good for her- I'm getting some sort of constriction in the throat. She had something stuck in there, and you tried to feed her but it wouldn't work. That's why she died. She said it wasn't your fault, and there's nothing you could have done. She says you blame yourself for it, but not to feel bad. Even though you couldn't always be around- you were very busy- the time she had with you was a good one. She said she was very happy with you, and you were very good to her."

By her second sentence I was sobbing. Eclipse died a year ago in August. I had come home to Texas for a week visit, and even though she was fine and happy on the first night the days following it she steadily took a turn for the worse. She would not eat, would not drink, and could hardly walk for her dwindling energy. I took her to the vet 3 times (spent my next month's rent on shots and the like) but the vet told me it was probably just her time: she was probably just dying of old age. Mommy didn't think so, because she remembered that my first night back Eclipse had hunted down and eaten a bird. I went to the vet one last time, but an x-ray would have cost as much as I had already spent, and I did not have that money. I tried force feeding her through a plastic needle, and did so for the last 2 days. The night before I left Eclipse had struggled up the stairs to my room and spent the night on my floor. I went back to LA the next morning, and Eclipse died a day later.

The psychic went on:

"Now Cleo is the cat you have now. Cleo feels you are restricting... you're very tense. It seems that all of the kindness and freedom you showed Eclipse is being held back somehow on Cleo. She says that after what happened to Eclipse you have not been so relaxed, almost like because of what happened you think you must prevent it from happening to Cleo by being more strict with her. She doesn't think you understand her, and she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around you. You played with Eclipse more, and you let her have more freedoms. I feel that if you let Cleo have a little more freedom, a little more space, in 3 weeks or so she'll be more comfortable around you."

I was shaken. Bumbling. I had gotten Cleo a month or so before Eclipse died. When I heard the news of her death I shunned Cleo. Cleo looks the spitting image of Eclipse in her youth, and I felt that by showing Cleo affection I would be replacing Eclipse's place and doing her a dishonor. So for another month or so I ignored her, only looking at her when I needed to feed her. I gradually got better, but I've still been restrained towards her.

I didn't want Eclipse to think I was replacing her.

So many things were running- no, racing- through my mind. Karen had used only a page of her notepad, but yet she had read me a novel. How could she know?! How did she... oh my god...

"Can I ask you something?" I say.

"Yes of course."

A slight breeze started to blow, and the sun gave me some room. "Are they happy?"

Karen's face lit up at this, and she took my hand. "Oh very much so!" She said, "Don't worry about that... I can tell you have a good understanding of animals- more than most. They are very happy. Very, very much."

And that was it. Trembling, I reach for a handshake. As she takes my hand I pull her in and give her a big hug... and she pats me on the back. I take her picture, and then I leave.

And of all the pictures I took today, that was the only one I uploaded for you to see. Everything just wasn't as interesting afterwards.

I can't put anything into words... I'm an idiot. But if you could only imagine how I felt at that moment, and how I feel now. Love is all around me. It's so thick- I can taste it. When we got home I went outside and sprawled in the front yard and felt the breeze tickle my hair. And I knew, I KNEW, that I wasn't alone.

And if you've ever lost anyone close, don't worry. You aren't either.

Karen Gonzales can be reached online, at karen@beyondthisworld.com or www.beyondthisworld.com. Or, if you wish to speak with her, call her: 818.882.4383

The Stanford Prison Experiment

2006-09-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

In the summer of 1971 24 college students were rounded up and taken to a make-shift prison inside the walls of a Stanford basement. By the toss of a coin, 12 students were assigned the role of prison guard, while the remaining 12 were assigned the role of prisoner.The 24 students involved in the experiment were picked, through much deliberation from the researchers and pyschologists themselves, because of their apparent "normalcy." Each and every student involved signed up voluntarily (for the price of $15 a day).

The project was originally planned to span a period of 2 weeks. It lasted only 6 days.

The events that went on during those 6 days and 6 nights (well documented and video-taped) were- by all standards- dehumanizing, immoral, and sadistic. It is a horrific account of the powers of the prison system in our society today, and a sad insight on the affect it has on the men and women who control the prison as well as those incarcerated in it.

It has made me rethink the way I view my own definition of criminal punishment.

Take a look:

- The Official site: http://www.prisonexp.org/

- Video by the 'warden': http://video.google.com/videoplay docid=2683701783583080634

- Entry in Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_prison_experiment

- About the end: http://www.stanford.edu/dept/news/pr/97/970108prisonexp.html

Astounding, isn't it? It reminds me of the Milgram Experiment in 1961, were volunteers were asked to press a button that 'electricly shocked' an unseen person in solitary confinement, the shocks gradually becoming stronger in voltage each time the volunteer pressed the button. With each shock they could hear the begging and screaming of the person in the other room, but because they were commanded to by a superior they continued administering the 'treatment.' 67% of the volunteers involved completed the treatment, knowingly pressing the button the maximum amount possible (the final shock surging with 450 volts of electricity), despite the fact that the person in the other room had since stopped making noise.

Remember: they were all VOLUNTEERS.

There are so many negative implications toward our country's current politics and procedures when dealing with nation-wide AND international problems that it makes me dizzy. What is the difference between punishment and obedience? What does this say of the cognitive dissonance theory and the power of authority, especially in America today? Things are happening in this world that by normal standards are atrocities of everything we- as a nation- should stand for, but yet we agree to it all and placate ourselves by thinking that that is how it has to be. How do we distance ourselves and become the independent variable in the experiment? When do we suddenly see through the eyes of the uninvolved bystander, who has not seen the events leading up to it all, in which we base our whole arguement?

And what do we do with it all now?

Someone refill my OCD pills

2006-09-08T23:19:00.000-07:00

They changed brands of toilet protector paper at work today.

You know- those thin sheets of paper that you get from the cardboard hanging box purely for the safety of guarding your tush from exposure to others?

Those.

They changed them. I can tell.

*sigh*

SO CUTE!

2006-09-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

Tranquility and Rikka

2006-09-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

The below was posted by Rikka today. How ironic, the day I tell Bryan "in 2 months I'm leaving E" is the day that she posts exactly how I feel about it.

If ever you had any doubt then Rikka's words should answer them all:

Without just one nest
A bird can call the world home
Life is your career

Written by Styx Sxi from Hong Kong, China

Styx has the best MySpace Bullets by far. After lines like that it's really great to start another useless work day, isn't it. Life is not about going to work 5 days a week saving up for retirement funds when you're young. Life is about experiencing and testing for new things. Don't stay in a habit, this can only lead to depression and sadness. I'm a traveler, you should be one too. This doesn't mean that I want to go to jungle to search myself. I love the art of business. I want to do something that I can call (our) own and original and real customer service. Say: It was really nice to brake some boundaries for you. Not offer the same old cheese everytime. Mouses are getting bored. The most used thought nowadays... I wonder...

Random:
- Labor Day in San Diego = Eating crab by the bay (freshly fished, so vegan), walking through real haunted houses in Old Town, and experimenting with pineapples, strawberries & coconuts for pina coladas. All while listening to Chuck Barry. Oh- and while I suck at chicken fights in the pool, I can still play a mad game of "diving through ranch dressing".
- Even without all that, it's nice to see old friends.

I'm more lonely than i know

2006-08-31T01:53:00.000-07:00

Fran calls me 'little lost soul.' I don't know if I felt it before or if I'm just being affected by her eloquence, but I feel it now. My brain echoes it.

Where have you guys gone?

Bran: In DC, with Kevin, her amazing fiance. She took the midnight train to Georgia.
Carole: Where are you honey? I miss talking to you...
Chau: Just had her second child. A boy. Adorable.

Something pulls at my sleeve and wants some attention when I look through Chau's pics. Her, and Lucas, and her lovely family. How HAPPY Chau looks. And when I look at Brandi with Kevin... I dunno. I'm not at all romantic, and I've never wanted a family (mine is perfect already- how could I ask for more?) but there is something...

Somewhere in me is a leaky sink.

Let's take this outside...

2006-08-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

I've started running in the mornings.

Outside.

With Chris.

Excruciating.

Forget the fact that I still run at the gym at night, or that I even have a fun time doing so. Forget the fact that, at night, in the gym, I can run 3 miles and hardly get a stitch or lose a breathe. Forget the fact that me and my machine kick butt and go distances I have never gone to before.

Running outside is DAMN HARD.

I ran a mile and a half outside today. I suffocated. I sweated. I died. And this is within the first 15 paces. Needless to say I finished (barely) but had to stop a whopping THREE times in between (I never stop at the gym) AND HARDLY COULD MAKE IT HOME.

WHY? Why is something I do every night (and still do!) SO hard JUST because of the location I do it in? I HAD TO CANCEL MY YOGA! AND MY NIGHTLY WORKOUT WITH GRACE! *&$#@!

You can imagine my frustration.

So I looked it up, and apparently (duh, Summer), there is somewhat common knowledge linked to my problem:

-The treadmill belt offers some help by pulling your feet back underneath your body, so you are potentially exerting less energy to move your feet and legs than if you were not on a treadmill.
-When you run indoors on a treadmill, you do not have to overcome wind resistance. The lack of wind means you'll spend less energy running four miles on a treadmill than you will running four miles outdoors. However, it may depend on how fast you are running. For the average person, running 5 - 9 miles per hour (mph) will result in little difference. Some studies say outdoor running expends up to 5 percent more calories; if you run faster than 9 mph, running outdoors could utilize up to 10 percent more calories because you are working harder against wind resistance. Other studies say there's no difference. One study demonstrated the way to balance energy use between indoor and outdoor running is to set the treadmill at an incline (or grade) of 1 percent.
-Running indoors maintains or offers stable elements. Runners not only avoid wind, but also other potential natural elements, such as cold air, rain, or sand (if you run on a beach), which demand extra energy.
-Running on a treadmill versus pavement (the composition of the track surface you run on is unclear) provides a softer surface, making it a little easier for your joints. People with knee pain or soreness might opt for a treadmill versus the road outside for this reason.

Eh. That's ok. My failure this morning only made me more determined to finish tomorrow. I'll get this down soon enough. :)

Random:
-I filmed a movie this weekend. It took 5 minutes to write the script, 5 hours to film it, and about 5 seconds for me to lose patience with my Final Cut Pro. STUPID NON-DIGITIZING LOSER! WHY CANT YOU WORK?!!?!?!?!?!?!
I'll post pics and (hopefully) the final product in the next few day. I'm trying to make a habit of it... a movie every 2 weeks. You guys will have a lot to watch soon. :)
-I also went hiking. Yet again with Chris. :) Yet again, just about died. AND AGAIN: can't wait to do the harder trails.
-I ALSO helped with E!'s Red Carpet Special at the Emmy's this year. 10 hours worth of work my friends.
-AND I CLEANED MY ROOM! Where is all this energy coming from?!
-Han Solo must have spent BILLIONS fixing up his Millenium Falcon. I know, because I spend my budget's equivalent on mine. :(
-URBAN'S HOUSE PARTY NEXT WEEKEND! SAN DIEGO HERE WE COME!!!
-Did I mention that Spike Lee's 'Inside Man' is AMAZING? I had heard about it from the internship- it was supposedly one of the best scripts in Hollywood all season... but now that I've seen it I'm SO JEALOUS that I didn't get to read it because it rocked my socks off. Rent it. Love it. And tell Clive Owen that he has a beautiful Filipino girlfriend waiting for him in North Hollywood. :)
-ANOTHER one of us is now in the show Entourage. First Miska was an extra, and now Dan has a reacurring role. Congrats Dan! Awesome.

My name is Summer, and I gasp like to run.

2006-08-26T02:48:00.000-07:00

Average distance this week: 3.25 miles
Average time: 27 minutes

Not bad, but could be better. Alas, I've been at it for a month and one week now- I should be on 5 miles! I'll work harder at pushing myself next week.

I've found cool motivation though:
1. Shopping for new clothes cuz my old ones fall off
2. Reading blogs of first time marathon runners

Also: I need to get better running shoes. My Durangos (named so because I got them one clear, chilly morning in Durango, Colorado) are pinching my toes and making them numb halfway through my first mile. I find it distressing imagining what i would look like without my 10 littlest appendages. But alas #2- better running shoes mean more $$$. *sigh*

Food update:
-I FOUND VEGAN ICE CREAM! Needless to say the 2 packages I bought last night are already 50% gone.
-Morning Star ANYTHING is very very tasty. I highly recommend this brand... look for it in your freezer isle.

Pics next time, promise :)

Random:

four jobs I have had in my life:
1. valet driver
2. foot model
3. physical trainer
4. subtitling coordinator

four places I have lived:
1. Texas
2. Miami
3. California
4. xxxxxxxx *still working on #3

four tv shows i love to watch:
1. Family Guy
2. Passport to Europe
3. Unsolved Mysteries
4. Cowboy Bebop

four places I have been on vacation:
1. New York
2. Grenada
3. Canada
4. Half of the US

four websites I visit daily:
1. reddit
2. perez hilton
3. msn
4. youtube

four of my favorite foods:
1. rice
2. anything mommy cooks
3. anything daddy cooks
4. ice cream

four places I'd rather be right now:
1. running in Italy
2. surfing in the Philippines
3. swimming with the whales of Alaska
4. sky diving over Scotland

four favorite bands:
1. Norah Jones and her very handsome band
2. Nat King Cole (does he count as a band?)
3. Chicago
4. Bee Jees

R.I.P PLUTO + A RESPONSE

2006-08-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

The few planets of the Milky Way Galaxy have lost their littlest brother. See here.

And what do other people have to say about this?

Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey…and Pluto?

by Natalie Finn
Aug 24, 2006, 8:15 PM PT

The planets may be out of alignment, but Disney is sticking by Pluto.

In response to the news Thursday that a team of astronomers had demoted the icy little sphere to "dwarf planet" status, the Seven Dwarfs themselves took time off from hacking away in the diamond mines and romancing Snow White to issue this statement, via their friends at Walt Disney World Resort:

"Although we think it's Dopey that Pluto has been downgraded to a dwarf planet, which has made some people Grumpy and others just Sleepy, we are not Bashful in saying we would be Happy if Disney's Pluto would join us as an eighth dwarf. We think this is just what the Doc ordered and is nothing to Sneeze at."

Mickey Mouse's dog and best pal, Pluto first appeared in 1930 in the Disney cartoon The Chain Gang, as a bloodhound unleashed to find escaped felon Mickey. To this day, he neither wears clothes nor gloves, and he has prompted endless discussion as to why Goofy can talk and Pluto can't.

Also in 1930, astronomers discovered a round object orbiting the sun 3 billion miles away. The shadowy mass was deemed the ninth planet in the solar system and named Pluto, after the Roman name for Hades, the Greek god of the underworld.

"I think the whole thing is goofy," Disney said through its rep, Mickey Mouse. "Pluto has never been interested in astronomy before, other than maybe an occasional howl at the moon."

So although a Caltech astronomer told the Los Angeles Times that "Pluto's out," the canine version will always be top dog at Disney.

That is, the top dog at Disney that doesn't speak and that walks on four legs. Sorry, Goofy.

YET ANOTHER REBUFF ON FORBES' CAREER WOMEN HOOPLAH (see previous post)- THIS IS STARTING TO GET REAL ENTERTAINING :)

2006-08-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

Forbes' Female Trouble
So what if career women are divorces waiting to happen?
By Jack Shafer
Posted Wednesday, Aug. 23, 2006, at 6:08 PM ET
[Note: Forbes deleted from its Web site the story discussed in this piece some time Wednesday afternoon. But as Tom Waits once sang, you cannot unring a bell: A blogger grabbed the body of the article and posted it here.]

The furious blog reaction to Michael Noer's Forbes piece, "Don't Marry Career Women," posted to the Web yesterday, makes the piece sound like an ugly example of "backlash" journalism. If you're not familiar with the genre, backlash stories are the kind feminists believe are 1) full of beans and 2) designed to keep women down.

Classics of the backlash genre include Newsweek's "The Marriage Crunch" cover story from two decades ago, which alleged that a 40-year-old unmarried woman was "more likely to be killed by a terrorist" than to ever wed; Sylvia Ann Hewlett's book Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children, about older women's biological clocks running out; and the New York Times Page One story from last fall about women at elite colleges who intend to spurn careers in favor of motherhood.

The blogs entries collected by Technorati accuse Forbes of culling the academic literature for fodder that will shove women back into the kitchen; send them back to the 1950s; and force them to put their biscuits in the oven and get their buns in bed.

But I've yet to read a blog item or a protesting e-mail from a reader that convinces me that the article—as opposed to the deliberately provocative headline—really insults women, career or otherwise.

Some of the sensational findings presented in the Forbes piece appear to be gender-neutral and hence don't bait feminists at all. For instance, Noer holds that the literature indicates that "highly educated people are more likely to have had extra-marital sex," and "individuals who earn more than $30,000 a year are more likely to cheat." So, if career women are bad marriage bets, so are career men. It's a wash.

Noer also cautions against marrying career women because it's "financially devastating." "[D]ivorced people see their overall net worth drop an average of 77%." But if your overall net worth is going to drop an average of 77 percent, wouldn't you want your net worth to be higher, which it could be if you marry a career woman, as opposed lower with a non-career woman?

The nine slide-show entries appear to be a holding pen for crap Noer couldn't shoehorn into his overstuffed thesis. The headline to the first one, "You are less likely to get married to her," is a non sequitur. That you are less likely to marry her can't be a reason for not marrying her. The literature cited in the second slide, which is about divorce, refers only to the number of hours women work—not their education levels—and hence doesn't seem to apply to Forbes' definition of "career women." The fourth slide, "You are much less likely to have kids," doesn't allow that many "career women" don't have kids by design. If you don't want kids and don't have them, there's no tragedy, right? The fifth slide seems to be playing fast and loose with the facts. Its headline asserts, "If you do have kids, your wife is more likely to be unhappy." The item is footnoted to an academic study and a USA Today story about the academic study. According to USA Today, the study found that affluent parents experience reduced marital happiness after spawning compared with middle-class parents. If this observation is about joint income, not a woman's career, what's it doing in the story about not marrying career women?

I won't quarrel with the seventh slide, which tells men, "You'll be unhappy if she makes more than you," or the eighth, "She will be unhappy if she makes more than you." If you find yourself in the predicament of being unhappy about the income disparity within your marriage, take my advice: You're going to be unhappy about something, and if you're unhappy about this please shut up and go buy yourself a Fiji vacation.

Before my female readers break their nails pounding out angry e-mails to me, they should consider the piece's fundamental weakness. Forbes' definition of a career woman is extraordinarily broad, including any woman who has a college education, works 35 hours a week, and makes more than $30,000. So, if you define non-career women as all the "undereducated" who work part-time and make less than $30K, it becomes painfully obvious why female careerists are more likely to divorce than non-careerists: They can better afford to get out of an unhappy marriage than their sisters.

That may be bad news for all the schmoes getting dumped, but it's great news for the gals. So, go ahead, young ladies. Get your degree. Even go to grad school. Gun for that corner office if you want to and get the guy. If you divorce, make sure to stick him with the shared subscription to Forbes.

*******

Don't ask me to get upset about slide six—"Your house will be dirty" if you get married to a woman who makes more than $30,000. The same goes for slide nine—"You are more likely to fall ill" if your wife works. What upsets you about the piece? Bore me with your fury at slate.pressbox@gmail.com. (E-mail may be quoted by name unless the writer stipulates otherwise.)

My Thoughts
-Shafer totally picked up on my thoughts with the 'definition of a career woman" statement. Can I get a hellz yeah?

I can't wait until the next one. LOL

ARTICLE: WHY YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY CAREER GIRLS AND- BEST OF ALL- REBUTTAL: WHY THAT SHOULD NOT MATTER

2006-08-23T20:16:00.000-07:00

Don't Marry Career Women
Michael Noer 08.22.06, 6:00 AM ET

Guys: A word of advice. Marry pretty women or ugly ones. Short ones or tall ones. Blondes or brunettes. Just, whatever you do, don't marry a woman with a career.

Why? Because if many social scientists are to be believed, you run a higher risk of having a rocky marriage. While everyone knows that marriage can be stressful, recent studies have found professional women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat, less likely to have children, and, if they do have kids, they are more likely to be unhappy about it. A recent study in Social Forces, a research journal, found that women--even those with a "feminist" outlook--are happier when their husband is the primary breadwinner.

Not a happy conclusion, especially given that many men, particularly successful men, are attracted to women with similar goals and aspirations. And why not? After all, your typical career girl is well-educated, ambitious, informed and engaged. All seemingly good things, right? Sure…at least until you get married. Then, to put it bluntly, the more successful she is the more likely she is to grow dissatisfied with you. Sound familiar?

Many factors contribute to a stable marriage, including the marital status of your spouse's parents (folks with divorced parents are significantly more likely to get divorced themselves), age at first marriage, race, religious beliefs and socio-economic status. And, of course, many working women are indeed happily and fruitfully married--it's just that they are less likely to be so than non-working women. And that, statistically speaking, is the rub.

To be clear, we're not talking about a high-school dropout minding a cash register. For our purposes, a "career girl" has a university-level (or higher) education, works more than 35 hours a week outside the home and makes more than $30,000 a year.

If a host of studies are to be believed, marrying these women is asking for trouble. If they quit their jobs and stay home with the kids, they will be unhappy (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2003). They will be unhappy if they make more money than you do (Social Forces, 2006). You will be unhappy if they make more money than you do (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2001). You will be more likely to fall ill (American Journal of Sociology). Even your house will be dirtier (Institute for Social Research).

Why? Well, despite the fact that the link between work, women and divorce rates is complex and controversial, much of the reasoning is based on a lot of economic theory and a bit of common sense. In classic economics, a marriage is, at least in part, an exercise in labor specialization. Traditionally men have tended to do "market" or paid work outside the home and women have tended to do "non-market" or household work, including raising children. All of the work must get done by somebody, and this pairing, regardless of who is in the home and who is outside the home, accomplishes that goal. Nobel laureate Gary S. Becker argued that when the labor specialization in a marriage decreases--if, for example, both spouses have careers--the overall value of the marriage is lower for both partners because less of the total needed work is getting done, making life harder for both partners and divorce more likely. And, indeed, empirical studies have concluded just that.

In 2004, John H. Johnson examined data from the Survey of Income and Program Participation and concluded that gender has a significant influence on the relationship between work hours and increases in the probability of divorce. Women's work hours consistently increase divorce, whereas increases in men's work hours often have no statistical effect. "I also find that the incidence in divorce is far higher in couples where both spouses are working than in couples where only one spouse is employed," Johnson says. A few other studies, which have focused on employment (as opposed to working hours) have concluded that working outside the home actually increases marital stability, at least when the marriage is a happy one. But even in these studies, wives' employment does correlate positively to divorce rates, when the marriage is of "low marital quality."

The other reason a career can hurt a marriage will be obvious to anyone who has seen their mate run off with a co-worker: When your spouse works outside the home, chances increase they'll meet someone they like more than you. "The work environment provides a host of potential partners," researcher Adrian J. Blow reported in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, "and individuals frequently find themselves spending a great deal of time with these individuals."

There's more: According to a wide-ranging review of the published literature, highly educated people are more likely to have had extra-marital sex (those with graduate degrees are 1.75 more likely to have cheated than those with high school diplomas.) Additionally, individuals who earn more than $30,000 a year are more likely to cheat.

And if the cheating leads to divorce, you're really in trouble. Divorce has been positively correlated with higher rates of alcoholism, clinical depression and suicide. Other studies have associated divorce with increased rates of cancer, stroke, and sexually-transmitted disease. Plus divorce is financially devastating. According to one recent study on "Marriage and Divorce's Impact on Wealth," published in The Journal of Sociology, divorced people see their overall net worth drop an average of 77%.

So why not just stay single? Because, academically speaking, a solid marriage has a host of benefits beyond just individual "happiness." There are broader social and health implications as well. According to a 2004 paper entitled "What Do Social Scientists Know About the Benefits of Marriage?" marriage is positively associated with "better outcomes for children under most circumstances," higher earnings for adult men, and "being married and being in a satisfying marriage are positively associated with health and negatively associated with mortality." In other words, a good marriage is associated with a higher income, a longer, healthier life and better-adjusted kids.

A word of caution, though: As with any social scientific study, it's important not to confuse correlation with causation. In other words, just because married folks are healthier than single people, it doesn't mean that marriage is causing the health gains. It could just be that healthier people are more likely to be married.

And now the awesome part:

Counterpoint: Don't Marry A Lazy Man
By Elizabeth Corcoran
Studies aside, modern marriage is a two way street. Men should own up to their responsibilities, too.

Girlfriends: A word of advice. Ask your man the following question: When was the last time you learned something useful, either at home or work?

If the last new skill your guy learned was how to tie his shoes in the second grade, dump him. If he can pick up new ideas faster than your puppy, you've got a winner.

I'm not usually a fan of dipstick tests, particularly when it comes to marriage and relationships. But a downright frightening story written by my colleague, Michael Noer, on our Web site today drove me to it. According to the experts cited by Michael, marrying a "career girl" seems to lead to a fate worse than tangling with a hungry cougar.

OK, call me a cougar. I've been working since the day I graduated from college 20-odd years ago. I have two grade-school-aged children. Work definitely takes up more than 35 hours a week for me. Thankfully, I do seem to make more than $30,000. All of which, according to Michael, should make me a wretched wife.

In spite of those dangerous statistics, my husband and I are about to celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary. You'll see us snuggling at a mountain-winery concert this month, enjoying the occasion. I don't think I'm all that unusual--so it seemed like a good time to test Michael's grim assertions.

The experts cited in his story think that professional women are more likely to get divorced, to cheat and to be grumpy about either having kids or not having them. But rather than rush to blame the woman, let's not overlook the other key variable: What is the guy doing?

Take, for instance, the claim that professional women are more likely to get divorced, because they're more likely to meet someone in the workforce who will be "more attractive" than that old squashed-couch hubby at home.

Women have faced this kind of competition squarely for years. Say you marry your college heartthrob. Ten years later, he's working with some good-looking gals--nymphets just out of college, or the more sophisticated types who spent two years building houses in Africa before they went to Stanford Business School. What do you do? A: Stay home, whine and eat chocolate B: Take up rock climbing, read interesting books and continue to develop that interesting personality he fell in love with in the first place.

Note to guys: Start by going to the gym. Then try some new music. Or a book. Or a movie. Keep connected to the rest of the world. You'll win--and so will your marriage.

There is, of course, the continual dilemma of who does the work around the house. But if both spouses are working, guess what? They've got enough income to hire someone else to fold laundry, mop floors, etc.

Money is a problem? Honestly, the times money has been the biggest problem for us have been when we were short of it--not when one of us is earning more than the other. When we have enough to pay the bills, have some fun and save a bit, seems like the rules of pre-school should take over: Play nice, be fair and take turns.

In two-career couples, Michael frets, there's less specialization in the marriage, so supposedly the union becomes less useful to either party. Look more closely, Mike! Any long-running marriage is packed full of carefully developed--and charmingly offsetting--areas of expertise.

For us, the list starts with taxes, vacation planning and investment management. My husband likes that stuff, and it leaves me yawning. Bless him for doing it. Give me the wireless Internet system, the garden or just about any routine home repairs and I'm suddenly the savant. Tear us apart, and we'd both be pitiful idiots trying to learn unfamiliar routines.

Michael is right that longer work hours force two-career couples to try harder to clear out blocks of family time. When we do, though, we get to enjoy a lot more. We understand each other's career jokes and frustrations. We're better sounding boards on what to do next. And at dinner parties, we actually like to be seated at the same table.

The essence of a good marriage, it seems to me, is that both people have to learn to change and keep on adapting. Children bring tons of change. Mothers encounter it first during the nine months of pregnancy, starting with changing body dimensions. But fathers have to learn to adapt, too, by learning to help care for children, to take charge of new aspects of a household, to adapt as the mothers change.

So guys, if you're game for an exciting life, go ahead and marry a professional gal.

My Thoughts:
-Hello? Is Michael Noer in the 18th century?
-"a "career girl" has a university-level (or higher) education, works more than 35 hours a week outside the home and makes more than $30,000 a year." WHAT?! I haven't even come close to what my career goals are, and I've already surpassed this definition by a landslide. Get with the times dude, it's called 'paying the bills' (no matter what sex you happen to be).
-"he's working with some good-looking gals-- What do you do? A: Stay home, whine and eat chocolate B: Take up rock climbing, read interesting books and continue to develop that interesting personality he fell in love with in the first place." EXACTLY. If Michael is complaining about women having more opportunity to check out the competition at the office he should only look back to the last 100,000-odd years of men doing exactly the same thing.

"I'm madly in love with you and it's not because of your brains or your personality."

2006-08-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

Little Miss Sunshine- the best movie this year.

Hands down.

Last weekend was moving/movie weekend. But before I get to that, let's all give a nice, frustrated farewell to Raven, Ryan, and Luis; all of whom are no longer working for the beautiful networked named E! Entertainment.

See you later space cowboys!

I must admit, my own schedule is feeling a little lighter now too. My adventure through the Underground has come to an end. I went through 2 productions: Zoom, and License to Wed. Lotsa fun, yes, but in all seriousness it will be nice to get some sleep finally. And now I'll have more time to write.

For Raven's last day we went to the Seoul Korean restuarant in K-town. Very nice. We would've done something for Ryan and Luis (we were thinking of karaoke) but there was just too much going on.

My VERY DELISH vegan dish. It's called Boom Boom, right guys? :)

It was pretty awesome. The group (I couldn't share, but I was happy with my food so that's ok) ordered the Jing-Gee Skihan. It's where you put pots of water to bowl in front of the people and bring out a HUGE dish of meat and another of veggies, along with dozens of small side bowls with misc cool extra foods. Everyone mixes the meat and veggies in the boiling water (like fondue, but better apparently) and digs in. Afterwards the waitress comes in with a huge dish of noodles, to which she adds to the now meat-flavored broth. Again- dig in. THEN, to top it off, she comes back in with rice and eggs, and mixes THAT up in the broth. And it's all finished with a very sweet, yummy rice drink at the end. Bryan calls it 'survival eating.' He says Koreans probably made it up because they needed to make use of all the food they could. Cool.

Oh- and before I get back to the matters at hand, can I just mention that sweet and sour thai tofu ROCKS? IT'S FANTABULOUS! OMG So crunchy and yummy! Thank you take out thai!

:)

So, as i mentioned this weekend was moving/movies weekend. Saturday we welcomed 1 new roommate and 3 new guests. Roommate = Chris (Meesimo!)

Guests = Chris's Daddy, Louie's friend Bette Davis Eye's, and Peter's friend's turtle.

Hi Chris' Dad!

Peter's Best Friend

I accidentally eavesdropped on a hunting expedition! (I was taking a pic of the prey and didn't see the hunter until I took the picture hehe)

So what does that bring us to? 5 Roommates, 3 Guests, 1 Turtle, 4 Spiders & 1 Cat.

Sweet!

Chris did the whole roadtrip from Miami to California in like less than a week. Shame shame... he should have done like we did- taken his time. The world is too beautiful to not stop at every corner. But he had some stuff shipped here seperately, so I guess he had a time limit. Anywhoo, I helped him go to the train station to pick his stuff up. All together, me, him & his dad carried in over 1,000 pounds of stuff.

Random wagons at the train station = good photography practice.

Ach! I don't remember packing THAT

Photography practice #2

No! Watch out! Those are sharp!

So, now to the movies. I saw A LOT this weekend. Top 5:

1. Little Miss Sunshine
2. Miller's Crossing
3. Snakes On A Plane
4. Mutiny on the Bounty
5. Sling Blade

Little Miss Sunshine... again, best movie of the year. I don't care how much it makes in the box office. If you don't go see it then you're really missing out on something special.

Miller's Crossing... I CANT BELIEVE I HADN'T SEEN IT YET. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Cohen Brother's- you have yet to leave me dissappointed. I love you. This is my favorite of yours so far (and let me tell you, beating out Lebowski & Fargo is pretty tough)

Snakes On A Plane... I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE M*&%$F*&#% SNAKES ON THIS M&$%#F$*% PLANE! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL See it with a crowd (a camp movie crowd- not a regular movie crowd) and this will be more entertaining than a night out on the town. LOVE IT.

Mutiny on the Bounty... I'm a classics girl, of course I love it.

Sling Blade... Good, but I think I was expecting too much. But still, good.

Random:
-Thank you Collin: Now I'm really into house music. It's so happy yet deep. A big plus is how it keeps me pumping through my workout.
-Getting naked in the locker room at the gym has gotten easier for me. Thank you beautiful big ladies with no shame. :)
-Emmy's next weekend and Urban's the weekend after that. Will I NEVER get rest?
-Dane Cook is a little overrated.
-Self defense classes start in 2 1/2 weeks! Yay! And, at the cheap price of $26 each, I'm also thinking of taking Photography and brushing up on my writing classes. Nothing like studying Shakespeare to keep a chick going, right?
-www.feralchildren.com Devastating. Another reason why I question God's existence, and YET ANOTHER reason supporting the fact that animals are better than us. Get over yourselves overzealous christians: anyone who thinks animals dont have souls needs to wake up and smell the world.
-Andy, you're right. SWISS CHOCOLATE IS THE BEST. Why? Because it does not always contain milk, therefore Summer can eat it. :)
-RIKKA!!! I LOVE YOU!!! OMG You're moving here? Where? HERE here? Awesome! When you come we can enjoy all those cemetary movies you're missing out on- my treat (let's not mention that it's free...)

Updates!

2006-08-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

4 Types of updates today: Food, Family, Furniture, and Fun. This is what I get for waiting so long to update my blog...

FOOD

My veganism has come out in full force. I'm starting on my 3rd week and I doubt I will be slowing down anytime soon. Why? BECAUSE THE FOOD IS AWESOME!

LA is such a great place to live for vegans. Honestly, I don't think it would be this easy in Miami or Texas. I recently discovered this AMAZING vegan thai place on Melrose and Fermosa called Barbose Thai. It's quite a happening spot at night but during the day it's really quiet and I get more time to chat with the owners (who are strictly vegetarian). Awesome. If you ever go I highly suggest the yellow curry with veggie chicken- Grace and Raven inhale it when I bring it to work (they are adamant meat eaters) and for me to actually eat it I've had to STOP bringing it in.

Barbosa Thai

Also: The (insert number here) Annual Tofu Festival happened in dowtown LA this weekend. OMG AWESOME. I made a rare trek to the area just for that, and I am not disappointed whatsoever.

LA Tofu Festival

Booth upon booth of tofu creations- about 50- surrounded by misc clothing and accessory booths to help raise funds for Little Tokyo (they were sponsoring the event).

I ate my HEART OUT. MMMMMmmmm. Doller per token- 1-2 tokens per dish! HEAVEN! I've never had tofu before so this was an experience. I must admit, most of the dishes were just tofu squares with flavoring... but some were pretty awesome. Also: ASIAN people LOVE TOFU. OMG SO MANY asian people were there, and a surprising amount of older filipinos. FILIPINOS EAT TOFU! They're vegetarians and vegans too! Who knew?!

Old filipino men LOVE tofu!

Mmmm.... food...

Tofu with Chilli and Garlic

Tofu Stir Fry with Green Peppers and Onions

Tofu Thai Barbeque

Barbeque Tofu Stew

Fried Banana Taro with Fresh Coconut Milk (straight from the coconut, the vendor cracked it open in front of me! OMG delish!)

Tofu Curry. The line for this one was almost 30 minutes long, and after having tasted it I understand. I could not tell this was tofu- the texture was awesome and the curry great. I felt so bad that I went through that line and only bought one plate. :( Oh well- lesson for next year!

Also, lastly... I can't have butter (because it is made from milk) so lately I've been kind of sad. But guess what?! I FOUND VEGAN BUTTER! YAY!!!

Corn and vegan butter!!

Lovely. What's next?.... oh yeah- Family!

FAMILY

Sorry guys, no pics on this one. I just want to announce that my sister and brother-in-law will be having yet another girl, named CAMERON BYRD! This one for sure will be the tomboy. She's the youngest, and BK was hoping for a boy so badly that baby Cam will probably have boy in her blood :)

Also: Shannon and Roberto just found out that their baby will be a BOY! CONGRATS GUYS!

FURNITURE

Ok- Filmmaker House updates. 1) It can no longer be called the filmmaker house. With Chris moving in next Saturday, that'll make 2 graphic artists, 1 theatrical artist, and 2 filmmakers... so now the house has been re-named The Artist House. *sigh* Where the filmmakers at?! You guys gotta come and help me and Peter represent!

2) We moved our beloved fridge back into the house (the one that we have to kick to close). Yay! Welcome back fridge! She had been demoted to the backyard for a few months while we took care of the Alm's (actor family) fridge... but they moved back to LA and took back their fridge.

Peter, George, and Louie bring our baby back from the dead.

3) We got a foosball table! YAY!

Because I needed more men in the house.

4) We got a new futon! Yes, yes... we retired the two leather couches in the front of the house. We had to. Cleo the-cat-of-the-year peed all over them. But that's okay, because now we have the foosball table and old futon where the couches used to be, and the new futon in the back living room. Score!

5) We have a new inhabitant of the Artist's House backyard.

Ain't she gorgeous?!

AND LAST BUT NEVER, EVER LEAST: FUN

The last few weeks have been very full. Thank you God. Last saturday night Sophia and I went to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for their weekly film screening. It's a pretty cool setup they have- film fans from all over bring blankes, food, and alcohol and sit on the grassy knoll in between celebrity graves and enjoy an open air movie. Last week's was Manhattan, the Woody Allen film. Awesome. Gershwin, I love you- you can do no wrong.

Me and Sophia

The grassy knoll.

This week's screening was Alfred Hitchcock's Pyscho. Again- awesome.

Also, E! Entertainment had it's yearly Spotlight party, where the company sponsors food, drinks (alcohol on the job!), and a concert for their employees. Last year I couldn't make it to the party, and Kanye West was the performer. But this year was Ludacris and I definitely made sure to make it- and luckily I was there FRONT AND CENTER throughout the whole concert, while Ludacris did ALMOST EVERY HIT HE'S EVER HAD (plus a couple new songs). How great is that? The camera was on the front row the whole time, and the next day while watching E! News I saw myself groovin to the music. So cool.

Getting drinks, and mingling with the crowd. See the crane in the back filming?

Me and bossman Bryan. By this time we were both extremely wasted. Bryan's happy, too, because he just won the Employee of the Month award, and got to go on stage.

Raven and Grace. Again, wasted.

Vivi and Helene. Vivi got a new haircut!

E! employees, working hard.

The one and only picture I got of Ludacris before my camera battery decided to die. It's a good one though :) He got a new haircut too... and he's so cute with it!

The view from the stage, taken by Bryan while he was accepting his award. I'm in the front!

The night was so much fun. It was a shame that I still had work to do afterwards, but I was pretty drunk so it ended up being fun. And don't worry- Luis drove me home :)

Finally...Louie's friend Colin decided to up and move to LA from Miami, so he's crashing at our house until he finds a place. Here, for your entertainment, is Louie and Colin at the bank.

LOL

Well folks, that's everything. All I have done since the last time I talked to you. :)

Random:
- Cleo's being punished. She's been locked in my room for the week :( The cool thing though is that now when I come home she actually seems happy about it, and shows A LOT of affection.
- I've started to base my workouts on distance instead of time. It used to be, I would workout for 40 minutes and that's it. Now I work out until I've run 3 miles. I'm getting pretty good :)
- Tomorrow is Raven's last day at work :( Devastation is hardly the word.

I'm so frustrated!

2006-08-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

My brain is going 500 miles per hour and it's so hard to grab a coherent thought right now.

WHY I'M FRUSTRATED

1. I feel desperately uneducated/ignorant/young ALL THE TIME. My sentences don't sound smart, and even if they do they hardly ever pertain to anything that is minutely important to the world today. For example: I haven't read the extensive works of Whitman, Thoreau, or *gasp* Shakespeare. My big-words-list consists of mono-syllabic creations like 'cool.' And my governmental/political knowledge is, though sound, contained primarily by snippets of office conversation and flipping past NPR during the morning commute.

2. Superman is a fictional character, and no one person can actually save the world. Of course, that means that no one person can destroy the world too, but that doesn't cheer me up much. Humankind is too hungry for self gratification to be on the good side of the spectrum. Myself not excluded.

3. If there was a God, why would all of this pain & suffering be happening? Ah, the million dollar question. God loves us, yet where is God when bad things happen? When children go starving, or people get beaten for no reason, or animals get tortured... when a picture of a starved baby in Africa crawling towards a village 10 miles away while being picked at by vultures waiting for him to die wins a Pultizer prize, or when half of a nation's youth cares only about a socialite's choice of shoe and ignores their comrades at arms. (Maybe I should ask instead why we think anything is happening just for us. I mean, the dinosaurs probably thought everything was happening for them, but they are now just archaic finds and stories for a younger species' children. Maybe God made the world for sharks, and we are just mere decoration.)

*sigh*

You know, there are so many more frustrations for me, but I've complained enough. I think those are the top 3 for now. I do believe in God- yes, Mommy- but it gets rough when the edges start to crack and the outside world creeps in.

Random:
- Corinne Bailey Rae, I love you. You make me giddy as a school girl (probably because your music brings me back to those days).
- Raven, my workout partner, has kicked my BUTT. Every other day is weights day, and by god I swear there are more things you can do with those shiny gym machines than my imagination ever created on it's own.
- Bye Bye Miska! We will see you back here soon.
- Hello Chris!
- I LOVE '10 Things I Hate About You.' It makes me happy like Corinne Bailey Rae.

Spirited Away

2006-07-30T15:41:00.001-07:00

COMIC-CON.

Brilliant.

Last weekend was a Hayao Miyazaki film. I stepped into a magical world of pirates, lightsabers, and thousands of ravenous children (ages 1-70) rejoicing in sci/fi and fantasy.

Seeing that it was to be my first time to experience this phenomena (one which for the last 4 or 5 years I had heard about in awed whispers from my animation and graphic design friends) I decided I should come prepared. I had things to see, and people to admire! I had to schedule every second of my weekend! Enter: Summer's Comic-con Guidebook

I made it at work before going to Bryan's and James's.

Contents:
-San Diego Convention Center (SDCC) map.
-SDCC Mezzanine map.
-Print out of Badge Barcode
-Directions to and from Urban's apartment to SDCC
-Friday Event Schedule
-Saturday Event Schedule
-Sunday Event Schedule
-Autograph List w/Booth Locations
-Print Out of Special Guests

Hard core Geekdom 101. But in my defense I was partially going to Comic-con for research in my other job and I needed to make sure I covered all my bases.

*laugh* Yeah right. I thought about work a total of 0 times once I stepped foot on the SDCC grounds.

Anywhoo... pics!

Trolley tracks in front of SDCC

Friday Afternoon at the Con

Is that a gun in your pocket or...?

BTW, there were about 500,000 of storm/clone troopers there. YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED IT DARRYL!

My hero Brian Froud (on the right on the big screen) talking about making the sequel to The Dark Crystal, to come out sometime in the next 2 years. 90% Puppets! I could hardly hear the rest of what he was saying becuase of the screams of adoration from fans. Oh yeah- and the line for this program was about 2 hours long.

Good Grief! The Peanuts Booth!

Dinner with Bryan & James

Look at how happy I am after my first day. Exquisite.

So since the Con was in San Diego of course I had to take advantage and stay with Urban. Hi Urban! I hadn't seen him since he can up to LA with Val for E3... and I got to be the first girl to 1. Stay the night in his new apartment, and 2. Sleep on his new king sized bed (strictly platonic).

And can I say, Total Swank. Urban's new "apartment" (as he calls it- I call it a James Bond Ladies-Man Condo) is 2 stories with a gated front foyer ALL JUST FOR HIMSELF on top of a hill overlooking suburban SD. SWEET. He got it because he's making mad money now designing environments for Sony's Everquest game. I got to go furniture shopping with him every morning (the Con doesn't open til 10am) and watch him play World of Warcraft every night. Total college heaven.

Urban originally thought that these shorts would get him kudos in front of Bruce Campbell. *cough*

This Batman was over 7 feet tall. And guess what?...

...he was made completely of Legos for the Lego booth! AWESOME!

Princess Leia (she made this costume!)

LOLOLOLOL Urban with Princess Leia

The new coverart for the upcoming issue of Spider-Man.

Drooling over the Star Wars booth. These are all life sized! BTW, Carrie Fisher, David Prowse, and Jango Fett were ALL there signing autographs. The line for that one was only about 20,336 hours long.

No Optimus! Urban is one of the good guys!

I'll save you Urban!

Look at that happy bystander in the middle! LOLOL

SNAKES ON A PLANE! SWEET! Sam Jackson was there to sign autographs, but who cares? IT'S SNAKES, ON A PLANE!

Me and my boyfriend- have you guys met?- taking some time alone.

Ok, before the next pic I need to give you guys some background info. If you go to my room at home in Texas you will see two things: Unicorns and Fairies. Why? Because of Peter S. Beagle and Brian Fround. Peter S. Beagle wrote the book 'The Last Unicorn' which, when I was in first grade broke my heart into a million thousand pieces. Since then no one has been able to argue me out of believing in Unicorns. And Brian Froud? OMG. He created the worlds of 'The Dark Crystal' and 'The Labyrinth' and all of those wonderful fairy books. For anyone growing up in the 80's, HE MADE our imagination. I specifically remember in preschool watching 'The Dark Crystal' EVERY DAY. This man is profound.

And both were scheduled to be at Comic-con.

Honestly, when I found out I was more in shock than anything. Here, within my own reach, was a chance to meet 2 men that affected my life SO MUCH that not a day goes by without some semblance of how they have done so. Every step I've made since graduating high school (college in Miami, moving to LA) were indirectly done so because of these men (I only have 5 or so influences in my life outside of my family, and these are 2 of them), who fed and nurtured the artist in me all during my young years.

Every step I took in Comic-con was scheduled around meeting them.

Brian Froud was the first. I went to his program on Friday (pic above, where he is on a huge tv screen) to try and see if I could talk to him. But there were SO MANY people there that it was impossible. I was quite dejected. But then Val (Urban's...girlfriend?), who has been to Comic-con every year since, like, birth, told me that Brian Froud was a friend of hers and she would bring me to him on Saturday.

And OMG. She DID.

Honestly, I don't know what got into me. I'm not some girly-girl or anything, but as I stood in front of his booth (clutching my special edition Dark Crystal dvd for *please God* a signature) I shook. I couldn't breathe. This was Brian Froud! BRIAN FROUD!

BRIAN FROUD

And then the guy in front of me left and there he sat, smiling up at me.

Val "Hey Brian, this is my friend Summer. She's a fan of yours."

Mr. Froud "Hello Summer"

Summer "OMG. You're Brian Froud! You're my hero!"

*sigh*
smooth.

very smooth.

He's such a sweety! He laughed, took my dvd, and did a SKETCH and signed it. A SKETCH! And then, shy, when I asked if I could take a picture with him, he said "of course!" and put his arm around me a gave a big grin.

Awesome.

THANKYOUVALTHANKYOUVALTHANKYOUVAL!

After that Me, Val, Urban, and Val's friend Frank went to Dick's Last Resort to have some lunch. If you're ever in San Diego I HIGHLY RECOMMEND this place. Noisy, Dirty, and Rude.

AWESOME

The waitors and waittresses yell at you. Couldn't care less about you or your appetite. If you ask 'how much is this?' they respond 'if you have to ask, you can't afford it.' If you need napkins, they throw packages of it on your heads from above, causing uproar throughout and started paper ball fights with the patrons. People flick food and laugh and yell. And you hardly get what you ordered the first time around. I loved it. If I was rich I would make the trek from LA to San Diego so I could go there for lunch once a week. And the food was awesome.

Stick in a quarter and get your meal (the vegan in my now kinda itches with this picture, but when I took it I thought it was kinda cool).

Urban, Frank, and Val

I couldn't stay for all of lunch, though. Ray Bradbury (author of Farenheit 451) was signing autographs at 2pm and, seeing how the trend was long lines and long wait times, at 1pm I made sure I was in line.

Long story short, I didn't get to see him. Mislabeled tables, confused guides, unknowledgeable comic-con volunteers... in the end after 45 minutes of waiting at THE WRONG TABLE me and about 20 other people had to run from one side of the convention center to the other (a feat all it's own) just to be REJECTED once we got to the wrong place because we were 5 MINUTES TO LATE and the line was closed. A little irritated (Okay- A LOT irritated), I went and CONFIRMED Peter S. Beagle's location and plopped down in front of his table an HOUR AND a HALF before he was to show. Apparently, others had experienced my same disappointment, because I was not the only one in line.

Darth Vader believes in unicorns.

This was an adventure in itself. The Peter S. Beagle line was full of ebay vultures, guys with bags full of 10 copies of a single book asking for signatures. They would cut line and have the authors on the booths to the right or left sign their free programs, then sneak over to Peter S. Beagle and have him sign for 10 minutes. I was the 10th in line, but ended up being like 20th because of them. As I was stepping up to Peter S. Beagle, with him beckoning me to come up (I was tearing up by now, because of the shock of my previous frustration and because I was MEETING PETER S. BEAGLE) two vultures stepped in front of me. But-

Ebay Vultures "Sir, could you-"

Peter S. Beagle "NO."

Ebay Vultures "But sir, we've waited-"

Peter S. Beagle "I said NO. This little girl has been waiting and I believe it's her turn, please step out of her way."

TOTAL ELATION.

I bring him my Last Unicorn book and he smiles at me and looks at my name tag.

Peter S. Beagle "Are you Summer?"

Me "Yes!"

Peter S. Beagle "Thank you for being patient..."

OMG. MY HEROES ARE NICE! They speak softly! They are polite! And they seem to be genuinely caring individuals without egotistic inclinations!

AWWWW!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM!!!

THAT'S PETER S. BEAGLE! SIGNING MY BOOK!

Suffice it to say, my life was complete. I was on cloud 9. It was Saturday afternoon, only half-way through comic-con, and I could go home RIGHT THEN and know I just had the one of the best experiences of my life.

After that I relaxed, put away my guidebook with all my schedules and must-see appointments, and had fun.

I don't know who he is, but if there's a snowstorm tonight he's going on my tires.

Awesome! He even has a ball of ice!

This guy was on the atkins diet for a year, and lost 100 pounds!

I was so mad when I saw this pic. I had Urban take it because I was SO SURE that I was taller than them and I'd be able to bring home proof to my roommates that I was NOT A HOBBIT.

Free fans to ward off record-breaking heat.

Watching the annual Masquerade from the crowd spill-over room. The line for the actual Masquerade was about 6 hours long, so this substitute was fine for me.

James got tired and sat down for a second at a booth. And people started lining up for his autograph! LOLOL

Bryan's goal for the Con this year was to get artists to draw sketches in his sketch book. He just barely made it for this guy.

Well, that's it for now. I have about 200 pics I COULD show you, but my flickr account is the free kind and alas, my memory has been filled for this month. I had a great time, though, and can't wait until next year.

"I did not know that I was so empty, to be so full" - The Last Unicorn, Peter S. Beagle

Random:
-Falafels! MMMmmmm....
-I'm so disappointed in Beyonce and Janet. Their new singles are awful. Christina, Fergie, Justin & Nelly Furtado... they know where the money's at. And DON'T GET ME STARTED ON JESSICA AND (Gwen Stefani wannabe) PARIS HILTON. PUKETASTIC.
-The power turned off at work for 2 hours Friday night, so me and Luis (being the only night workers around, and being incapacitated by electrical doors and elevators) had cool psuedo-camp fire time. Awesome.
-Have I told you guys that Mommy rocks? Well, she does. I was nervous about telling her about my veganism (consider the astoundingly violent reactions I was getting from close, personal friends) but she was one step ahead of me! She had see the video and was already planning for vegan shopping when I called! I LOVE MY MOM!
-What's with weddings? For the last 2 years I haven't been able to get away from them! And I'm not alone, either... Angel is always talking about going to weddings and so are 2 of my friends from Miami.
-Thanks for the advice Kelly- I'll have to taste them. I'm going shopping today, so I'll look and see if I can grab some. :) When are you going to start writing again? INQUIRING MINDS WANNA KNOW!
-Happy Birthday Miska! Miska is leaving Wednesday mornig- oh no!

A Wealth of Information

2006-07-29T17:00:00.000-07:00

So, because I don't want to eat lettuce leaves all my life, I've been doing some research. Below is a list of links where you can go if you wanna know about some vegan-friendly foods. Honestly, this is more for me than for you (so I can go on different computers and still be able to access my list of links).

- http://www.peta.org/accidentallyVegan/
- http://www.caringconsumer.com/labels.html.
- http://www.caringconsumer.com/resources_companies.asp
- http://www.caringconsumer.com/resources_foodguide.asp

Cheerios are on the list! And Capt'n Peanut Butter Crunch! Ummmmm.... Here's hoping that soy milk tastes good!

Also: Some company info:

http://www.caringconsumer.com/pdfs/companiesDontTest.pdf
http://www.caringconsumer.com/pdfs/companiesDoTest.pdf

A Who's Who in the world of Vegetarians and Vegans (which, by the way, includes Einstein, Newton, DaVinci, AND [studies point to] Jesus):

http://www.goveg.com/celebs_famous.asp

And, lastly, an article:

http://www.goveg.com/veganism.asp

Can I say... awesome?

2006-07-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

"And don't even get me started on... the mentality of avoiding things new and unknown just to stay "safe." - Angel

My whole life rolled up into one simple statement. I thought I was the only one in my family to think that way! Veggie kudos Angel- may the powers that be grant you happiness beyond your imagination. :)

I've gone vegan!

2006-07-27T23:45:00.000-07:00

You heard right. Food's number one fan (me) has foregone some of it's most pleasureable temptations. And you know what- I'm proud of it!

This is of course primarily connected to the video I posted in my last blog. I was heartbroken when I watched it yesterday. Luis showed me at work, and for my last hour there I couldn't stop crying. BAWLING. Like, snot coming out of my nose sobbing. I sobbed all the way home- I cried myself to sleep. I even shed a couple of tears when I woke up.

and don't get me started on how my appetite has gone

I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders (cliche, but so true). I'm happier than I have been with myself in a long time. And my choice came with no qualms or hesitation, just this weird clarity and calm telling me "You know what? Maybe you're actually right for a change." Of course, it'll be hard getting through Christmas in Texas (bye bye 98% of all filipino food), but it's damn well worth a try.

Surprisingly, of the 12 people I've told today only 1 gave me positive feedback (you're awesome Miska!). Everyone else acted threatened, condescending, amused (in a negative way), were belligerant, or downright aggressive. They automatically gave me a week (which means I'll last a year just to prove you guys wrong, hehe). But in all seriousness, why is that? I am in no way threatening you with your life- I'm not asking you to change with me, and I didn't insult you. Why must you take something like this and make it into a bad experience? When I announced it at work I was surrounded for almost 30 minutes by questions of "You know you can't eat (insert food here)?" and "You know this will be too hard for you?" AND someone even stood up and said "Well, I'm going to go have me a BIG STEAK."

Honestly, why? It's kind of like someone saying 'I believe in Jesus' and me responding with a 'Satan is my best friend.' Is that really necessary? Yeah, you can have fun with it- that's fine. But a little support with your jabs would be nice.

Anyway... let me stop grumbling. I'm happy and if you're jealous then just look the other way.

For your info, MISC QUESTIONS ASKED TODAY:

What's the difference between vegetarian and vegan?
Well, vegetarians will only not eat meat. So they will have a big slab of butter on their corn and be okay with it. Vegans, on the other hand, will not eat meat AND anything coming from animals (animal by-product). So in essence I cannot eat butter, ice cream, chocolate, cakes (bye bye Brandi's wedding cake), or anything else that doesn't come 100% from the ground.

Will you actually be able to go without (insert food here)? And what if you're on a deserted island and the only food you can have is meat?
For the first question- I don't know if I don't try. And honestly, someone offered me chocolate today (my favorite substance in the whole world) and I was almost disgusted with it. I kept thinking about that poor cow in the video, and the agony on his face while the farmers were doing things to him. For the second question- my turning vegan is more a protest of the meat packing process of farms and factories in America. If I am fishing I will eat my fish, or if I go to a small farm where the animals are treated with respect then I will have the milk. After all, it is a natural need. I WILL NOT, however, support what is being done for the sake of money.

But what about ice cream?
What about it? Sure, I'll want it (desperately) every now and then, but I don't need it to live. And for protein- there's tons of protein everywhere, you just have to know where to look.

For more info, go to www.goveg.com

:)

Random:
-I've worked out everyday this week. My average is about 1 1/2 miles of running + 1 1/2 miles of walking a day. Go me! I don't think I'd be able to get through it without my itunes phone (thanks again Bryan and company!). Some music that rocks with working out:
-Anything Black Eyed Peas
-Christina Aguilera:Fighter
-Madonna:Ray of Light
-The Postal Service:Such Great Heights
-Pussycat Dolls:Buttons
-Nelly Furtado:Promiscuous Girl
-Justin Timberlake:Sexy Back
-No Doubt:Just A Girl
-Coldplay:Clocks
-Anything Jay-Z

I totally recommend them :)

Surprisingly Britney Spears doesn't help me. Neither does Beyonce, but I was expecting that because Beyonce goes off beat so much with her diva screams that how could anyone ever expect to keep tempo with that?

-I've officially got ONE non-family reader now!(I know, what's wrong with her?) Her name's Kelly, and she's from Canada. Everyone say Hi Kelly! Thanks much for your compliment chica! Go check her out, give some support: http://misspurplepanties1.blogspot.com/
-Poor Angel is still having bad dreams. My question is: how can you make Abraham Lincoln a bad dream? lolol Angel's brain thinks too much.
-Comic-con updates coming this weekend! I promise!
-My beautiful car Angie has finally been registered in California! Goodbye old license plate: B60SSN, heeeello new one: 5UVM269.
-HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY TAYLOR!!!!!

Meet Your Meat- Why I Can No Longer Eat It

2006-07-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

This is not for the weak hearted, yet I still advise you to see it (I could not finish it - watch out Mommy). It is wrong, inhumane, and should be stopped. If you're still interested afterwards, there are enough Peta movies on youtube.com to keep anyone educated.

10 seconds of my pleasure is not worth all of this pain.

"...because this is not what wings are for."

Which, at best, is nothing but an excuse...

2006-07-20T01:35:00.000-07:00

I REALLY should be packing right now.

Like, seriously. It's 2am, I have to get up for work at 8am, work BOTH of my jobs until midnight, then crash at Bryan's for Comi-con. AND I still have to PACK for Comi-con.

But I can't.

Because tomorrow, after the dust settles,

I

will

be

in

COMI-CON!!!!

COMICONCOMICONCOMICONCOMICONCOMICON
COMICONCOMICONCOMICONCOMICONCOMICON
COMICONCOMICONCOMICONCOMICONCOMICON

...and I'm too excited to concentrate on anything else. :)

OMG Comi-con. The heaven for heathens, children of the 80's whose heroes rode starcraft and battled rogues in worlds that all at once were more exquisite and devastating than anything our own could give us. A place to be among those like yourself, after feeling for so long that no more of you existed.

Comi-con.

Understandably I can't think enough to coordinate my brain cells for packing.

...

You know, this is really nothing but an excuse for me. Originally I was not supposed to write anything more in my blog until I came back from Comi-con weekend with adventures and powerpoint pictures, but this energy I feel helps me because
1. I desperately have been wanting to write about a pet peeve of mine on here, and
2. Writing in my blog during times like these supports my other favorite hobby: Procrastination.

But lets move along and talk about my pet peeve before I crash.

SUMMER'S PET PEEVE:

Bathrooms.

Honestly, why? WHY can't I have a nice experience in a bathroom? THE WHOLE BENEFIT to working nights is that there is no bathroom traffic. No self-conscious holding back of natural instinct. No nervous cough to cover what should be a socially acceptable noise/smell but in reality is AN APPARENT TRAVESTY to your "precious little over-sensitive shell."

YOU BASTARDS.LEAVE ME ALONE.

I already have to watch my bathroom manners at home, were I have 5 roommates in unguardedly close proximity at all times. ALREADY I have to catch myself before walking into my internship bathroom, THE ONE bathroom that they have in that damn small house. BUT PLEASE, PLEASE just let me enjoy the sanctity of the bathroom at work.

DON'T talk to me while I'm sitting on the throne. DON'T come just to look at yourself in the mirror for 30 *&%$ MINUTES while I'm holding it in. DON'T sit in the stall right beside me if the other 50 are open and clean. NEVER sit and chat with your friends at the sink. DON'T rattle my door or look in the slit to see if anyone is there. AND FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, DO NOT mess up MY stall - my one little favorite stall in the corner with the broken lightbulb against the wall, and leave it uninhabitable for me!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

When I grow up I am going to have a huge bathroom with ONE BIG TOILET just for me. Away from the hub-bub, away from the party - a private santuary FOR MYSELF.

good...great...I'm glad I got that off my chest...

Now I need to pack.

Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn—by Dave Barry

2006-07-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

Funny, yet so true...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Miska the Actor & The Girl in Me

2006-07-17T02:13:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a surprising amount of time with Miska lately. Even though he's leaving in less than a month (like Darryl and Andy before him, his future is determined by the US government) I find my chats with him are more just random acts of friends bonding than forced companionship 'because he is leaving.'

Miska, my friends, is the prime example of the struggling artist. More so than Andy and Darryl in my mind, because where Andy and Darryl were trained on many different ways to express their art (and therefore can do various jobs to stay- or get back into- the country) Miska, being an actor, can only act. He's been good so far- he's in the new Oliver Stone movie about Sept. 11, was in the show Entourage, and did a 3 month run of his one person show. But of course that means nothing. For actors work is an entity that comes and goes- it is the sunshine of a life filled with all four seasons. And the US government does not see this "job stability" as good enough to merit a working visa.

But Miska has always known this. It doesn't matter- never will. You fall, you get up. It's admirable, the drive that my roommates show. I have no doubt that I will see Miska again, and soon.

IN OTHER NEWS:
I have official joined the ranks of "female." Rejoice, Mommy and Hazel, your youngest is no longer inept of culturally common knowledge regarding the pursuit of feminine frivility.

And it's all because of Angel and Bim's epilator.

See, I try. I TRY to help myself be better. Case in point: the epilator is a one time $50 purchase that will last long enough to be cheaper than 5 years worth of disposable razors. It is "a steal." So to further my self-betterment I decide to step into the realm of cost-effective living and buy one. I even got the one in the pink box, because as a feminine product I assured myself that of the multiple choices in the Target female isle I could not go wrong with pink.

Don't get me wrong- it works. Hurts like a b*$%#, but it works. I have no use for it except for on my legs (I'm too scared to put it anywhere else) so after 3 hours of torture I end up with baby bottoms for limbs.

Eh. It works.

Well... after about 2 1/2 - 3 weeks I start to itch. I think nothing of it at first, maybe buy Cleo a tic collar, then go about my business. Then Shannon and Roberto ask us over for a swim in their pool and I pull out the epilator again.

And guess what.

I have ingrown hairs.

I'm not talking about one or two bumps. These bastards are EVERYWHERE. ALL OVER MY LEGS. AND LONG. AND UNTOUCHABLE. I run my hand over my skin and it feels smooth, but I SEE HUNDREDS of black hairs lying there, laughing at me.

HOW DISGUSTING.

And this is all over both of my legs! Ugh. You know that feeling when you're watching some scifi/scary movie and they show scenes where worms crawl into someone's skin and walk around? I FELT LIKE THAT. (OMG I'm even shuddering as I type this!)

puketastic

Well, immediately I get up to go to the store to buy a hack saw. But on my way, our new roommate Sophia stops me. I explain to her my hysteria and she sits me down. "Summer, do you ever exfoliate?" she asks.

"Uhhh..."

"Do you even know what that means?"

"Of course I do!" (Of course I didn't)

"Well, you know how you put lotion on everyday, right?"

"Uhhh..."

*sigh*

So she goes through the shpeel. About exfoliation and moisturizing and lotioning and everything. Me, being the uber example of non-girl, had no clue about anything that she was talking about. Hours passed, and she was still explaining things. Seriously- my guy roommates knew more about all of it than I did.

But, because of the insectual sensation I was receiving from my legs, I nodded, smiled, and promptly bought everything she recommended.

Shopping List:
-Ultimate Pomegrade-seed Exfoliant (use 3 times a week while showering)
-Loofah hand glove (to use w/exfoliant)
-Dial Daily Care soft liquid Exfoliant (for everyday use)
-White puffy thingy for liquid soap application
-Biore Exfoliant for Face with citrus & mango
-Neutrogena SPF 15 Moisturizer
-Aveeno Lavender and Mint Body Lotion

Well... it works. Well. Amazingly well. I've been on this regiment for two weeks now, and look at my legs:

Like New!

I must admit- girls know what they're doing. This stuff makes me feel really good. Like fresh and stuff. It's a bit rigorous (honestly, now I spend like an hour of my day getting ready) so I don't see myself doing it everyday for the rest of my life, but at a smaller level I wouldn't mind it. It inspired me, this girl stuff, to try out other things I've previously neglected.

Like flossing, for example. And Listerine. And excersizing (I'm starting to do the 5 Tibetian Rites everyday, and my am I spry!).

And you know what? In some crazy, ironic way, all of this girl stuff has released something inside me. I feel free. Fresh. New.

And, most importantly:

*shhh...can you keep a secret?

I've been writing!

Pearly Semi-whites

2006-07-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

I went to the dentist today (hi Thuy-people!). I think I lost maybe 20 pounds, I was sweating so much... after all, I haven't been to one in like 5 years. And even though it was fast, easy, and (almost) painless, I had a rough time. Honestly: it wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't hating it every second I was there. Every second. And then I go to pay the front desk and they smile at me and say, "No- it's free!" and I feel like an ass. Which brings me to:

SUMMER'S GUIDE TO LOVING LIFE
LESSON #1: STOP HATING EVERYTHING

For example:
I HATE the dentist BUT they make my teeth pretty, and if it hurts it's my own fault
I HATE the doctor BUT they keep me healthy and alive
I HATE work BUT it pays well (stop complaining) and I have awesome benefits. Plus my coworkers are great, it's not hard, and I'm not doing physical labor for minimum wage
I HATE my financial situation BUT I still went to MacDonald's this morning, didn't I?
I HATE my unhealthy physique BUT I still went to MacDonald's this morning, didn't I?
I HATE my unmoving career BUT I'm not making an effort to write anything
I HATE SallieMae BUT I have a fine college degree sitting at home
I HATE the California Department of Motor Vehicles BUT . . .

hmmm... I'm stuck on that one...

Obviously I could delve deeper and go into why I shouldn't hate gas prices or the people who post adorable pictures of free cats on craigslist, but I think you get the point. From now on I'll just concentrate on loving everything. Since most of my life revolves around food, family, friends, and films, that shouldn't be too hard. :)

"Heroes are firefighters, doctors, and good samaritans. Legends are people who do what the rest of us cannot- live life the way they want to."

My Mom is Awesome LOLOLOL :)

2006-07-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry Mommy- I hope you didn't want to keep this private because I couldn't help it. It was too sweet and cute for me to resist putting it on here. If you want, tell me and I'll take it down. :)

Summer,
just a few comments/qs before i forget...

did you mean : for all intents and purposes? or 'intensive?' is this a typo?

you are blogging quite well, really proud of you! and NO, having babies or getting married can't make me prouder of you...these things will happen in their own happy time for you. the lucky guy is still out there being prepared to be the right one for you, believe you me...

for now, you'll just be my very pretty and talented youngest daughter who is also in (undergoing) the preparation stage to be the right one for that Right Guy...

and as for me, I already (and will always)

love you...

Mommy

Even doctors don't know what I am...

2006-07-12T03:55:00.000-07:00

Ok- seriously I'm not trying to copy Angel or anything but she keeps saying that she's a 7 and I just had to see what she was talking about so I checked it out. It's the Enneagram test, where by answering a series of questions doctors figure out what number best fits you- each number coinciding with a personality type.

So guess what. I'm a 3 & a 5 .

AND a 4 & a 6.

WHAT?!

Explanation: My first try I take the test very honestly, considering each question and choosing the first answer that pops up (and not changing it even if i feel i should). Then the results come on: "It is not clear from these test results which Enneagram type you are."

My Score? The highest 2 are 5 & 3, both at 13 points. Second highest are 4 & 6, both being at 12 points.

The test says "You might also benefit from taking the test again later" so I do. This time I do it without considering everything, just jumping through and with all honesty picking the single most first thing that pops into my head.

Results? "It is not clear from these test results which Enneagram type you are." Highest score this time is 6 & 4 at 13 points, Second highest being 3 & 5 at 12.

WTF?! How f*$ked up is it that I'm the weirdo with multiple personalities? Is that even possible?

While I specifically love the fact that I'm a 5 (after all, 5 IS my favorite number) at the same time the fact that I'm a 3, 4, & 6 is SO CLEAR to me after I read the personality descriptions that it borders on the obscene. What am I supposed to do?! I fit everything! Does that mean I am nothing?! I am not individual? Am I an ultimate product of our society, with equal amounts of everything obtuse so tightly wound that even tests such as these cannot differentiate between the individual and it's maker?

WHAT AM I?!

Note: Bryan would say that I am being overly dramatic. But how can I help it, when I am a 3, 4, 5 & 6?!